- 9 years ago
Ok, so here goes.
Let me start by saying that I am already married. I am married to a man that I love, but who just doesnt know how to be a decent man. Also- that it’s my fault. I KNEW his faults before I married him (not to the full extent or in detail, but I DID know), but I was stupid and immature and in love and so many other things except rational. I was never engaged. We were broken up, then dating and a week later MARRIED. Obviously we eloped.
He cheats. Before we were married I knew of a FEW instances, but we had gotten past that. AFTER we got married I found out SOOOO much more. LIES LIES LIES. That he dated another girl until like teh DAY we got married, that the ENTIRE time we dated he was hooking up with random people. On my BIRTHDAY which he ignored me the entire day and I only heard from the next day- yea he was trying to hook up with people. I know most people will now go, “ok, you knew he was a cheater even if you didnt know ALL of it… WHY did you marry him?” Well… because I’m stupid. That’s why. I honestly cannot justify my actions except that I felt bad for him. I am a serious kind of girl. I dated so that I could find the one I wanted to marry, not just for fun or to sleep around or any other reason. I was always open and honest about my feelings and I think that this scared him and he ran and did stupid things. Now I look back and call myself an idiot. So Now we are married and he STILL LIES. I am not sure if he cheats… I dont know what to think. I Do know that he answers personal ads on craigslist and those places. He says he’s never met up with the, but how am I to know? How do you believe a liar? He is not romantic either. Never does ANYTHING but play video games. I cook him dinner, wash his clothes. clean the house, wash the dishes, pick up after his messy self, pack his lunch, make the bed, take care of the dogs (mind you I am a stay at home wife so the house IS My job, I;m not saying he should clean or anything) and he PLAYS HIS DAMN VIDEO GAMES. ALL NIGHT. From when he gets home until he goes to bed. Also… he NEVER Wants to sleep with me. EVER. I know I’m not a beauty queen or anything but I’m not hideous! His guys at work call me the “hot wife” so i cant be THAT bad. Yes I have put on a few pounds since we got married, but I’m not even chubby (not that that should even matter!!!) and he KNOWS that I’ve struggled with eating disorders and everything in the past…. but he just wont sleep with me.
Anyway I knwo I;m rambling I’m sorry. I dont know what to do. WE are in counseling for our marriage. I am in counseling for my issues. But all counseling is doing is making me want OUT. I have always been afraid of this ending… he would cheat on me and I would BEG him to take ME back. But I cant take it anymore! But there are a few things:
1. Ending a marriage is not ending a relationship- it’s legal, and paperwork, and a BIG deal. Not something that’s handled lightly. I never wanted to get divorced. I have always said I never would because EVERYONE in my family is. I Somehow thought I could avoid it. (Like I said, I’m stupid).
2. My family has SOOO much faith in me. They think I have things so put together- this would break their hearts.
3. My husband is military and I am on the other side of the world from every single friend or family member I have. Leaving wouldnt be easy and I dont know how I would afford it at all, plus I would just have to LEAVE all of my things here, PLUS I HAVE to take my dogs with me (they are my children and make it so that I can last through the day) PLUS I have nowhere to go, no money, no job,… NOTHING.
I want to leave but cant.
I dont know what I’m asking… I just dont know what to do. And the worst part is that I KNOW that this is all my fault. Maybe someone can take this as a warning…