(Closed) My marriage isnt working and it’s my fault… LONG…

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
201 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m really sorry that you’re going through all of this. Even though you did know about his faults and BS, it’s NOT your fault that the marriage isn’t working. It takes two people to make a marriage, and he’s the one failing miserably at it. Try not to blame yourself so much for HIS actions and behavior.

I think you should talk to some close friends or family that you can trust about what you’re going through, and see if someone can help you out financially- spot you some cash, let you stay with them temporarily, ect.,  while you get out of this marriage. You deserve much better than what you’re getting right now and it may be hard, but you’ve got to start working to get yourself out. It may shock your family a little bit, but they’ll be there for you. You may be divorced, but then you can live your own life and do what makes you happy, and find a man who treats you the way you deserve to be treated.

The great thing about hindsight is that you can learn from your mistakes and learn about who you used to be and why you did what you’ve done in your life. So, use what you’ve learned and work to ensure YOUR happiness in life. Don’t let fear keep you unhappy. Best of luck to you. 

Post # 4
Member
1571 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Was it the best idea to marry him knowing what you did? No.

Is it your fault this marriage is not working? No.

You call yourself stupid a bunch of times in your post. It seems to me like you suffer from a poor self esteem rather than stupidity. You say you are in counseling. I hope you are discussing how to build yourself up as an individual rather than just your marriage. Any girl with an ounce of self respect would have realized she deserves better than what you have been dealing with.

I hope you can find a way to get out, and I hope you can find a way to love yourself the way you should.

Post # 5
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

From a legal prospective, divorces without children are quite easy these days. I wouldn’t necessarily put too much weight on that for your decision.

Ultimately though, you knew in your gut this wasn’t right before you did it, but were impulsive anyway. Why would you spend 100 times more time finding ways not to end it than you did before getting married. That’s backwards. Divorce is not the end of the world and I think that your parents would never scoff at you for leaving a man that has cheated on you numerous times.

Where there is a will, there is a way. You can get out if you really put your mind to it.

Post # 7
Member
1370 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Hidden:Sweetheart, NEVER believe there is no way out.  I stuck with a relationship that was horrid out of pride, and shame, and I regret THAT more than I regret anything else.

Call your family, a cousin, parent, grandparent, a friend, an ex, anyone who you can talk to, stay with or borrow money from, anywhere.  Start making plans, sell stuff if you can like old jewellry, odds and ends you’ve had lying around forever, furniture that you don’t use.  Open a bank account that your husband doesn’t know about.  Save some pennies, get a job flipping burgers, walking dogs, whatever you need to do to get some independence back! 

From the tone of your post, you are at the point of no return…I’ve been there, it hurts, it’s so hard, and you can’t see how you face another day or how you’re gonna get out.  Take it a day at a time.  Your husband isn’t abusive, so as long as you don’t feel in danger, wait it out and make a plan.  Get your ducks in a row and do it all at once.  When I left my emotionally abusive ex, I bided my time.  I packed here and there when he was out, the little things he wouldn’t notice.  I made calls about a storage locker, moving info.  I had friends on the line to help make my way home (I was 27 hours away from “home”) where I could overnight, take a breather, recharge.  On the day I left, I packed my truck while he was at work.  When he got home, I was ready to pull out.  I said goodbye, he didn’t believe me, until I pulled out of the yard.  It was the MOST liberating day of my life!  I had no money, my parents loaned me $500 to get home with, no job, no idea what I would do when I arrived in my home town.  But I did it and moved on.

You CAN find the way out if you are ready, and it’s what you truly want.  Women are amazing creatures of strenght and self preservation.  You can do anything you need to do to stay safe within yourself.

Post # 8
Member
2385 posts
Buzzing bee

Get out. you’ll thank yourself in the end.

Post # 9
Member
1962 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Listen to what @shyviolette: & @LMD84: have to say. Even though you decided to marry him regardless of his faults it is not your fault that the marriage is not working. Tell yourself this as many times as you need to. It is his fault that he is not a decent man and willing to commit to the relationship like you have. Blaming yourself will only hurt you in the end.

Ditto on EsqBailey‘s second paragraph as well.

Post # 11
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

did you guys marry because your husband was being posted overseas?  contact your FRG or legal and ask them for help, you might be able to get sent back home on space A travel

otherwise get out – you husband has proven himself to be unfaithful so why would you want to stay, you deserve better. you deserve to be in a loving, supportive, faithful marriage and being happy.  i understand to be divorced so soon/young etc isnt a shining moment but its your current path to a better life so dont be afraid to take the step and goodluck

 

Post # 12
Member
7777 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

First of all, you are not stupid. Your actions were foolish and impulsive, but you are not stupid. You really need to stop blaming this on youself. He is the one cheating, he is the one lying, he is the one who is making himself emotionally, mentally and physically unavailable to you. 

You need to find a way to leave this situation. I know it is going to be humiliating to admit this to your family, since they think you have it so together, but in the end it will all be worth it. Just because you made a vow that you weren’t going to get divorced does not mean that you need to stay in a bad marriage. Please, please contact your family and friends and see if there is any way that they can help you get home.

If you need help getting out, you may also consider contactng the family services center on the base and seeing if they have any resources for people in your situation. They may be able to offer you some kind of help. It’s worth checking out. 

Post # 13
Member
1962 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Hidden: Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are an amazingly strong individual. The proof of that is here in your posts. You’ve recognized that there is a problem with your relationship and you want to do something about it. If leaving is what you want to do then I believe that you can make that happen. 

You have all of us bees here to lean on. I know it’s probably not feeling as useful as it could since we aren’t there with you physically. If your family has been there to support you this far I think you should contact somebody that you are closest to and let them know what’s going on. I’m sure that they will be there to welcome you into open arms and help you along. 

Please try to not be so hard on yourself and do what is best for you right now. Remind yourself that you are a strong, beautiful, and intelligent individual. I know it sounds silly, but saying these things out loud to yourself can often do a world of wonder.

Post # 14
Member
2522 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

You’re not stupid.  You need to believe that you’re worthy of someone better because you are.  It is in no way your fault for him cheating and acting that way.  I really think you should call someone you’re close to and confide in them, your mom, a sibling, a best friend.  Hiding it doesn’t make it go away and you’ll only internalize it more.  I’m so very sorry, you do not deserve to be treated this way.  I would speak to several lawyers and see what the possibilities of divorce are and depending on how long you’ve been married, perhaps an annulment?  I don’t think I could stay in a marriage like this and I don’t think counseling would help b/c he clearly doesn’t respect you or your dignity.

Post # 15
Member
7291 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Your posts bring tears to my eyes as well!

I’m heartbroken that there are women thinking they deserve shit like this and always accepting victimization. You are better than this situation, man and circumstance. Nobody deserves anything. Just because you had a moment of weakness doesn’t mean you deserve a life sentence of hell.

Get your stuff together, call up your support network and go. Don’t question yourself or worry to much about how it will all work out: it will.

Don’t think about him or worry about him ethier. Clearly he expresses in his actions , words  and refusals that he doesn’t need you, appreciate you or deserve you.

You will NOT be a failure in your families eyes. Even if they are shocked or surprised that you did something, oh well! If they are true family, you will become priority and nothing, will come between them and you.

Thinking and praying for you! God is a God who provides and gives strength and hope. Its up to you to put it in action!

Post # 16
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think that even admitting that you want to leave to a bunch of internet strangers is the first step. The next is picking up the phone and calling your parents. Take a leap of faith for once.

The topic ‘My marriage isnt working and it’s my fault… LONG…’ is closed to new replies.

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