(Closed) My MARRIED brother is on Ok Cupid

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 16
1443 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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prettyinpurple11:  I would definitely call him on it. If it’s nothing, he will reassure you. If it’s something, he needs to be called out on his crap. 

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BMoreBecc:  +1 I have a brother that makes me question the entire institution of marriage, but I call him on it and don’t make excuses for him just because he’s my brother. He knows How I feel about the matter without a doubt. 

Post # 17
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

For all you know they have arrangements and she’s totally aware (and might have her own profile somewhere). Assuming your brother IS cheating, you have many options:

Option 1: Print out the notification and confront your brother. Tell him to get his shit together, that his wife deserves better, etc. It will embarrass the hell out of him but he’ll probably just learn to be more careful about hiding it in the future. 

Option 2: Tell your brother’s wife. This is throwing a live grenade on their marriage, and it’s probably not your place to do that. 

Option 3: Get into his profile and learn the extent of his transgressions, then fuck with it (“interests: milking ferrets”, answer messages sent to him, etc) or delete it all together. This will probably have a similar outcome to option 1. 

Option 4: Pretend like nothing happened. Lose respect for your brother and sit back as your resentment festers and eventually corrodes your relationship with him and his wife. 

Option 5: Leave a “Not my problem, but know that I know” note. Out of sight, but not out of mind.

Its a shitty situation with no non-shitty solution.

Post # 18
4054 posts
Honey bee

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MissTNBookworm:  Oh, I call mine on it too. I mean I love him, of course. He’s my brother. But he’s just not the best husband. He is a great son, a great brother, and a great uncle. But a great husband? Nope! Oh well, what can you do? *Shrugs*

Post # 19
1449 posts
Bumble bee

If you remember his user name I would go on OKCupid and find out before you say anything. It says when the last log on was, so you can see if he’s logged on recently, and you can see what he put his relationship status as.

Post # 20
7973 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

If you’re really suspicious about this, you could always log in to OK Cupid yourself and check out his profile. I’m not familiar with the site, but many sites list dates when changes were made to the profile etc. If you really believe he’s active, you could even message him through your fake profile and see if he responds. That will probably give you an answer one way or another.

… of course, if you’re actually going to do this, you should tell your husband first, lest he thinks you’ve secretly signed up to the site to do the dirty behind his back!

Post # 21
3839 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

Personally I’d stay out of it. As other bees pointed out you don’t know what the contents of the email were. It could be he just never bothered to close the account. It could just be junk. They could be swingers. It could be any number of things but I’m not sure it’s your place to dig into it. 

Post # 22
7425 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

I was going to say maybe it’s an old profile until I saw you said they’ve been together for 10 years, I think that makes it far less likely. I still get notifications from eHarmony, and I haven’t been on the site in probably 5 years.

I think you should definitely say something to your brother. I would probably say something like, “Hey so when I used your iPad the other day, your email was open and there was a notification from ok Cupid. What’s going on?”

I wouldn’t have a problem saying something like that to my siblings, but I’m not sure what your relationship with your brother is like.

Post # 23
1040 posts
Bumble bee

Id slap my brother upside the head. Say something. You may prevent him from making the biggest mistake of his life. 

Post # 24
476 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I would not say anything. Kill the messenger, anyone? It’s their marriage, it’ll work out eventually.

Post # 25
362 posts
Helper bee

I would 1000% talk to him about it. If he has a perfectly good explanation for it and you both have a good laugh, great. What you DON’T want to happen is for sh*t to hit the fan soon (or worse, in a couple of years) and it comes out that he was cheating on his wife the whole time and YOU knew anything.

You’d feel AWFUL, and you’ll over-analyze every instance you’re with them and every detail of their relationship and drive yourself crazy until then, so just bite the bullet and bring it up in a non-accusatory way and cross your fingers your brother’s not one of those guys…

Post # 26
5077 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

I’d ask him about it, but I wouldn’t go flipping out and telling his wife or accusing him of cheating or anything like that. There could still be an innocent explanation or it could be that his wife knows about it and is fine with it. 

It’s possible that it’s spam. It’s also possible that it could be an old account, though 10 years seems a bit much, but maybe they broke up at some point during that 10 years and you didn’t know about it. I have an in a relationship coworker who made an account just for fun to see what people we knew/worked with had on their profiles (she was actually matched with a really weird coworker, which is funny).

My point is, that you don’t know that he’s cheating at this point, so accusing him isn’t going to do any good. I’d just casually ask him about it.

Post # 27
10627 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

I joined OK Cupid (at least I think that’s the right site) way back when it was more about quizzes and less about dating – although both existed.  I got emails well after I had forgotten my account info and it had switched to be much more about dating.  I finally got fed up and just blocked it.

I also agree about the spam, I’ve had that from other dating sites I’ve never touched.  Sometimes they can grab some info from stuff on other sites.

So it really could be nothing!

Post # 28
1323 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

he’s your brother. not just a friend. you can do it! 

Post # 29
7881 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Ditto the other PP who recommend asking your brother about it. It would still be worth a shot to log in to okcupid to confirm his activity level (or lack thereof). 

Post # 30
123 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: Beach

I keep an OK cupid account and look at it from time to time because (99% of) the people on there are so weird and the messages I get are pure gold. 

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