(Closed) My MARRIED brother is on Ok Cupid

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 61
Member
268 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

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Dragonfly715:  way to go! My thoughts exactly!  Just bc he is her brother he is still being a cheater! 

Post # 62
Member
25 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2015

definitely take a screenshot of his page, and confront him.  He may be your brother, but your SIL deserves to know, if it is what it looks like. Have him explain himself, and judge what to do next after that.    You wouldn’t want someone to keep this from you.

Post # 63
Member
7426 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

The chances that he’s in an open relationship and his wife is totally cool with this are really slim. If he truly was in an open/swinging relationship, I doubt he would list himself as “Single”. Plus, I assume that if he was open/swinging, he would be on a website dedicated to those things.

Confront your brother, but don’t catfish him.

Post # 64
Member
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

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jbella: yah he’s that dumb. like totally his style to go watch a TED talk and be like “omg engineers made this it must be the best thing in the world!!” and I’m pretty confident he wouldn’t meet anyone on that website he’s the most shy guy I know… I trust him, if I didn’t believe him I wouldn’t be with him now of course… until I find real evidence but nope never happened.

Post # 65
Member
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

I totally agree with PPs! Call him out! Don’t tell your SIL, but I’d be all over my brother!

Post # 66
Member
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m in an open marriage. My DH is on OK Cupid. He doesn’t put his photo up in case he comes across someone IRL, which is very likely to happen. Our friends all know, but it’s not like he wants coworkers to know. We definitely don’t fit the stereotype of “swingers”. I know he has tried being both completely up front in his profile or just explaining his situation in a private message. While your brother could be in an open marriage, odds are he’s just old fashioned cheating. I think it’s even less likely that he’s doing it out of simple curiosity, boredom or to mess with people. I would absolutely confront him. 

Post # 67
Member
18 posts
Newbee

There are three possibilities:

1. He is 100% committed to his wife and this is all a misunderstanding. (Extremely unlikely, given his high message response rating.)

2. He’s using the site, but he would never follow through to meet anyone IRL (despite what his profile says.) Where he gets thrills from the messages, pictures and attention. Cheating emotionally is the same thing as cheating physically, but I have more hope for their future if it was on-line only.

3. He’s gleefully having sex with other women, potentially bringing home Save-The-Date Cards and making babies.

One ridiculous idea is to prank call him and see who he chooses to receive a romantic bouquet of roses (Google: War of the Roses KDWB.) You might get the name and address of his mistress.

The problem with confronting your brother is he will respond by deleting his account and covering his tracks better in the future. Basically, you need proof, otherwise it will be your word against his that he’s actively using that website. Maybe take screenshots? I know this isn’t popular, but catfishing him is going to be the quickest way to get proof.  

Giving your brother a heads-up to delete his account will only delay the inevitable conflict of your SIL finding out that your brother is a cheater. He’s not going to stop just because you found out!  

I’m so sorry this is happening!  And I’m also sorry for the hate your brother and his wife will (probably) give you for being the messenger.  But your SIL needs to know the truth before she moves forward with her plans for TTC.

Post # 68
Member
9406 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

I agree with PPs who say–just talk to him about it, or his wife if you feel that is more appropriate.  Making an account to talk to him online is just making things complicated and wierd.  

 

Post # 69
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: Victoria Wedding Chapel

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MrsWizard:  Again, I would just talk to him about it. If you want to trick him into meeting you, that’s up to you. However you do it, just talk to him. It’ll eat you alive if you don’t say something, and that shouldn’t be your burden.

Post # 70
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I also second the idea of messaging him to ask what he’s looking for. It may be the only way to get an honest answer out of him while he thinks he’s getting away with it, and before he’s confronted and tries to cover his tracks. Also make sure you get screenshots of EVERYTHING for proof. Another option is to meet with just your SIL, show her the proof, and say you would appreciate if she told him she found out “through a friend” and not through you.

Post # 71
Member
2730 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Talk to him but be cautious of his answer. He’s your brother, you should be able to tell if he’s coming up with some phony story. And if he does try to say “Oh, I just created this account for X, Y, Z… no cheating here!”. Then say, “great, so I’m assuming SIL knows about it? I’m going to ask her right now”. If he lets you, do it and see what she says. If he tries to stop you, you know he’s lying and call him on it. If you’re 100% sure he’s cheating after that, I’d give him a time frame to confess to his wife or you will.

Post # 72
Member
471 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Drury Lane Oakbrook

 

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MrsWizard:  Agree with PPs to talk to him and fins out what’s going on.  For what it’s worth,I met my Fiance on OkCupid a couple years ago and deactivatd my account, but Fiance and I occasionally still get e-mails from OkCupid on our birthdays or to advertise for us to join again.

Post # 73
Member
1270 posts
Bumble bee

If I had a brother I would give him hell for this. Cheaters are the absolute worst! I think you should arrange for a “date” with him and throw it in his face when he shows up, then threaten to tell his wife if he doesn’t close the account and confess to her. He’ll know then that cheating will not be considered acceptable by either his wife or his family, and maybe he’ll come to understand the gravity of the offense. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself knowing my SIL was trying to concieve a child with a lying scumbag (brother or otherwise), and who knows, you may actually save their marriage in the long run.

Post # 74
Member
999 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Whatever you do, please DO NOT catfish your own brother. Reasons: 

1) As PP already mentioned, no one wants to get a surprise dick pic from their brother. 

2) The average female OKC user is not going to message a dude with a cartoon character for a profile picture. So when you do, it will either (a) look immediately suspicious, (b) be ignored by your brother, leaving you with a random catfishing thing that was UNSUCCESSFUL (awkward), or (c) cause him to potentially change his behavior in a way that is immoral on his part, toward you — his own sister! Gross.

3) He could be on there for many non-nefarious reasons and it will just be embarrassing that you went to those lengths in order to “teach him a lesson”.

4) You’re not the infidelity police, you’re his sister. Talk to him, don’t online spy on & bully him.

 

Post # 75
Member
999 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

And just to reiterate, YES to giving him hell in person and confronting him about this. NO to catfishing.

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