My Messed up family

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
709 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@ashleyr0512:  Ok, that’s effed. If everything seemed to be smoothed out, why would your day choose your brother’s wedding over your’s?! That just makes me sad. 

Post # 4
Member
2783 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

WTF?

I am a big fan of giving people the benefit of the doubt. But just…WTF?

Your brother sounds like a self-centered brat, and your dad should under absolutely no circumstances be indulging this behaviour, espesically given the fact that you have been (based on your post) pretty reasonable in reaction to this half-sister debacle.

You need to call him stat and talk to him about this.

 

 

Post # 5
Member
8446 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@ashleyr0512:  *HUGS*  Just remember, through all the ugliness of family drama, you get to marry your Fiance.  Sometimes I think as brides, we just need to focus on that part.  Otherwise, you run the risk of being driven insane by your families.

Post # 6
Member
4439 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@ashleyr0512:  HOLY CRAP!  I am so sorry all of this is happening.

Maybe given your brothers record he won’t go through with the wedding?  If he does and your dad goes there, yes that will suck for you but given the drama that’s happened it will be a blessing in disguise that there won’t be any arguments set off over the situation?

Have you tried talking to your dad?  

Post # 7
Member
3230 posts
Sugar bee

@ashleyr0512:  Wow, that’s horrible! Please try to make the best of it.

Post # 8
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@ashleyr0512:  That whole thing sounds a little toxic to me.  I’d be inclined to tell him that if he wants to eliminate my wedding from his day, he can eliminate himself from my life, starting with my phone number from his phone.

 

I’m so sorry.  That’s awful.  *hugs*

Post # 10
Member
629 posts
Busy bee

First off, your brother sounds like a write off. I would love to say there’s a way to fix this, but he’s a bitter brat and I don’t think you need to do anything about him.

Your dad – I would say you need to confront him. Be straight up about everything, that you didn’t totally walk away from him when he left your mom after a 22 year affair, and that you’re actually embracing this part into your own wedding day, and after all that to abandon your wedding for your brother’s quickie courthouse jealousy wedding is unforgivable, and if he isn’t there, he shouldn’t expect to be there for any future grandchildren on your side.

I’m usually a lot more diplomatic, but I find this just wrong on so many levels.

Post # 11
Member
4439 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@ashleyr0512:  If you’re going to cut communication with your father after the wedding I don’t see how it would be a problem if he’s not present during the ceremony and for pictures.

Post # 12
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

While there’s a lot of info in this post, it seems to all boil down to three things:

1. My father has been cheating on my mother with the babysitter since shortly after my younger brother was born, and has two children with her. This situation was only revealed during wedding planning.

2. My ne’er do well brother, after years of treating women like garbage, has suddenly decided to marry the mother of his child, on the same day as my wedding which has been planned for a year.

3. My father has decided to attend my brother’s wedding over mine, even though mine was scheduled long beforehand.

So, some ideas:

I’m wondering if 3 is related to 1. There’s little info in the letter on the current situation between him/your mom/his fiancee, although we know her daughter is still included in your Bridal Party. Are they cordial, or is there constant conflict and drama? If it’s the latter, maybe he’s using your brother as an excuse to avoid what he thinks will be an unpleasant situation at your wedding. 

Your brother’s behaviour seem like a desperate bid for attention. It’s very difficult to grow up in the shadow of a “perfect” older sibling, and his history of underachievement and acting out isn’t that unusual. His entire life, he probably felt that your parents preferred you over him (whether that was justified or not), and holds it against you; this is a way to get back at you AND put his parents in a difficult position. Also, maybe your parents decided together that your dad would go there and your mom would stay at yours, to avoid accusations from your brother that they,re ignoring his wedding.

Post # 13
Member
1844 posts
Buzzing bee

You know, I come from an incredibly toxic family too.  I lost my parents when I was little and was raised by my mom’s incredibly toxic sister.  I do get it.

After some serious counseling and soul searching I came to a place where I still love these people but I keep them at quite a distance.  I live in a different state on purpose.  Never regretted that decision.  I still love them, but I sure don’t like them.  I don’t spend time with them and it has made my life much more peaceful.

Let your dad go.  Just let it go.  Focus on your wedding right now and have a lovely day.

Post # 16
Member
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I too live on the other side of the world to get away from what’s left of my crappy family.

When I got married the 2nd time, I decided that neither of my parents would be invited.  I wouldn’t have known where to find my father to invite him (not had contact now for nearly 24 years) and I just plain didn’t want my mother there.  

I agree with hermom…let your father do whatever he will.  You’ve got better things to concentrate on than a bunch of supposed ‘adults’ who can’t act that way. 

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