You are being WAY too nice and understanding here. She’s not a normal person. This is not what normal grandbaby excitement looks like.
This woman is narcissistic, controlling, and manipulative. HER impact on others doesn’t matter, only others’ impact on HER.
Therefore, she does not give any shits about YOU, about your HUSBAND, or about your boudaries, outside of how they impact her.
She wants a baby and you are currently standing in her way of that, so you are the enemy and she’s going to entirely disregard your boundaries and desires and try to wear you down.
She wants access to your pregnancy information and the baby once it’s here, so she’s testing boundaries NOW, disrespecting your wishes NOW, and manipulating the situation NOW to establish a pattern of her dominating and you giving way. She’s doing this in hopes that if she establishes this dynamic now, she will be able to bend you to her will once the baby’s here.
If you become more stubborn and outspoken in your boundaries (as you 100% SHOULD), she will immediately become the Victim and go whining to your husband about how mean you are and why don’t you like her, she’s never done anything to you.
Google Covert Narcissist. Read Rethinking Narcissism.
Educate yourself and educate your husband so that you two can get on the same page regarding his boundary-stomping mother. He will likely need time and work to come out of the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) that she’s instilled in him.
She’s not just excited. She’s insensitive, disrespectful, jealous, and entitled. Babies do NOT need their grandparents. They need their parents. They need their parents together, on the same page, focused on them, not distracted by, or fighting about, the harpy grandmother. Your husband needs to understand this, and you need to be SURE he understands this before TTC.
100% do NOT have a come to jesus talk with this woman. She will not hear your words. She didn’t hear the words your husband spoke to her before. Just improved her behavior for a short period of time until it was “safe” to be her true self again. She is NOT going to change. And if you write her any long emails or letters, or sit her down for a long talk, she will absolutely DARVO (Defend her actions, Attack you (verbally), and Reverse who is/was the Victim and Offender.) She will also take everything you say out of context and paint you as an overly sensitive meany-pants to all friends and family.
Do not JADE with her (Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain.) State your boundaries simply and clearly, state repercussions if your boundaries are disrespected, then change the subject.
“MIL, this is the last time you are to ask about or mention the possiblity of my being pregnant or of us having children. If you do it again, we will be taking a break from any communication with you until we feel ready to be around you again. Would you please pass the salt?”
If she tries to argue: “MIL, as I just said, this topic is not up for discussion. If you persist in this line of questioning, we will leave and block you from all communication until we feel ready to recommence our relationship.”
If she continues: Stand up, gather your things, leave. Block her on text and SM. Black hole any attempt to communicate. Until you feel ready to reach out to her.
I know this sounds extreme. But this is literally the ONLY option that puts you back in the power seat and shows her you will not be disrespected or controlled. And it is likely the ONLY option that can salvage a long-term relationship with this woman. Anything less means you’re allowing yourself to be disrespected and disregarded, and you WILL begin to resent and hate her. If your husband doesn’t get firmly on your side, you WILL begin to resent him as well. You don’t want to bring a baby into that sort of mess.
If you enact firm boundaries early and often, and enact consequences, there’s a chance her behavior could improve, and you could salvage a low-contact relationship in the long term.
Go to DWIL nation to read all the stories of the women who did NOT take a firm stand early on and who are now in super rocky marriages or divorced. Or who are happy in their marriages, but are now entirely cut off from their in laws.