My MIL and her grandbaby fever

posted 9 months ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee

She needs to stop.  If or when you chose to have a child is none of her business.  She is not just excited she is over the top and borderline obsessed.  Her comments are rude and inappropriate.  Her whinning about not watching your dog and complaining that you are even thinking about moving are huge red flags.  Imagine what she will be like if you decide to have a baby.  Check out the What to Expect When you are Expecting Forum: overbearing mother in laws.  The level of inappropriate behavior is shocking, creepy and in some cases criminal.  My suggestion is that you and your husband have a sit down with her and kindly ask her to stop with all the baby talk and that you will have a baby when you and your husband are ready. You are not  an incubator.  Also if you do get pregnant set firm boundaries from the start.  She sounds like the type who would demand to go to doctors appointment, demand to be in the delivery room and take pictures of you nude and post them on Facebook, demand and whine to be the first one to hold the baby and ruin your bonding with you child by demanding to come over everyday after the baby is born and baby hog.

Post # 47
Member
2487 posts
Buzzing bee

I consider MIL’s approach a terrible invasion of your privacy, but as the mother of sons and as an absolutely dotty grandmother of 3 under 2 1/2, I also can sort of empathize with her rather poignant desire to “join the club”.

If you can be VERY firm but also gentle, I’d tell her that you CANNOT and WILL NOT listen to comments about babies until YOU YOURSELF open the conversation to them, and that it’s your way or NO WAY. 

I’d also make another attempt to get HER SON on board with your discomfort. You would be in a much better situation to control the discussion if you were presenting a united front.

GOOD LUCK WITH THIS!!! FIRM, but also kind……

Post # 48
Member
2493 posts
Buzzing bee

ann.reid.9277 : 

I understand you’re a grandmother, and that gives you another perspective. But I feel like I often seen you on awful Mother-In-Law threads advocating that the abused and disrespected DIL try her hardest to be gentle and kind with the batty old hag who has been abusing and disrespecting her.

I hope you can appreciate that being nice to an abusive, controlling, rude, and entitled person should not even be a consideration. As women, we are already conditioned by society to be too nice for our own good.

I can not understand your motivation for telling abused women to be NICE to their abusers – UNLESS you identify with these crazy, manipulative, overbearing, bat-shit-crazy MIL’s.

If you do, then you need to refocus your attention on yourself and stop handing out this toxic “advice.”  If you don’t, then you should probably stop being a BSC Mother-In-Law apologist. 

Post # 49
Hostess
1599 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

ann.reid.9277 :  at this point I wholly disagree, there’s no need to be kind to someone who clearly isn’t extending the same courtesy. 

Your Mother-In-Law is batshit and it’s time for you and Darling Husband to lay down the law. 

Post # 50
Member
995 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

this weird shit happened to me too and i ended up being very direct with her. it actually worked and she hasnt brought up kids at all since. its been lovely.

 

i want to add that giving you baby items at your bridal shower is really gross and fucked up. shame on her for that.

Post # 51
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

duchessgummybunns :  i agree with you 100%. 

ann.reid.9277 :  Your advice is flawed and just wrong. The OP clearly stated that she has been nothing but nice to her Mother-In-Law thus far. They have even asked nicely for mil to STOP and she hasn’t. The mil has a willful desire to disregard anyone’s feelings but her own. That behavior does not merit any further niceties from OP or her son. If someone tells you to back off and you don’t? You don’t get endless “nice” warnings. Someone with healthy boundaries, and a life of their own wouldn’t be pushing so hard and invating someone’s privacy. 

Grandparents have NO SAY in grandkids. No say in their childcare and no say in their upbrining. NO parent is required to account the time of their own child to anyone. I also find the trend of grandparents feeling owed time with grandchildren to cover for their lonely non-fulfilled life to be gross. No one is responsible for anyone’s happiness but their own. If a grandparent is even considering grandkids as an answer to a fulfilling retirement they need to check themselves. Grandkids aren’t a retirement plan. NOPE. A retirement plan that is normal is full of the same things as a non retirement life would be. Their own friends, activities, hobbies etc. Grandkids are an added joy not THE joy. 

Post # 52
Member
45 posts
Newbee

I couldn’t agree with what most of these bees have said more. As an old timer here I can’t imagine treating my DIL like you have been treated. One of my daughters came to me, after 5 years of marriage, and told me her and her husband have chosen not to have a family. I have to say it was hard to hear because they would have been THE MOST awesome parents. I told her I understood that it was their choice and she would never hear a single word about from me, it’s not my business. I think I would simply tell Mother-In-Law, it’s hurtful when you continue to bring this subject up, please stop it.

At least you don’t have to put up with an uncaring Mother-In-Law. Thirty one years ago I had an ectopic pregnancy. It was devastating to say the least. Thirty years ago at Christmas, when all my husbands family was gathered, we made the announcement that we were pregnant again with what would be our fourth child. After the congratulations by his siblings and their spouses, my Mother-In-Law blurts out that I should have an abortion, that no one needs four children. She even told me she would help in finding a proper facility for the procedure. I walked out of the room and barely spoke to her for the last 18 years of her life. Funny, when that life came to an end, that fourth child that she said we didn’t need, was the one who sat in the hospital with her, fed her rubbed her legs and feet, and tried to make sure she was comfortable in her last days. I don’t know if her taking care of her grandmother had anything to do with it, but #4 went on to become a NICU and Pediatric ICU nurse and is now studying for her masters in Nursing Administration. 

The best that you can do is to be you. Be understanding that your Mother-In-Law can be a horrible person, put her in her place with kindness and be grateful that she raised the wonderful man you married.  Obviously she did something right. Best of luck with your health issues. 

Post # 53
Member
2572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

justmadethis :  I’m sorry Bee that behavior is way overstepping the line. 

I understand the urge to want grandkids. I am a baby lover and I’m always excited when someone is expecting. And with it being your Mother-In-Law, I don’t think it’s inappropriate if she asks once or twice when you guys are planning on having kids. But it sounds like her relationship with you is centered around that. 

I agree with PP that you need to have your husband sit down and explain to her “we want to accomplish X, Y and Z before we ttc and we want you to respect that.”

Post # 54
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Oh bee, while I totally agree that you and your husband’s timeline is NO ONE ELSE’S business, I have no idea if I’d be able to resist throwing the heart condition in her face to guilt her.tongue-out You are stronger than I.

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors