(Closed) My MIL is matching my wedding look!!

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 16
3606 posts
Sugar bee

Wearing white to someone else’s wedding is unacceptable. Your Fiance needs to unequivocally tell her that she cannot wear that dress and she needs to find something else. As far as the lipstick and shoes go, it’s annoying but I would let those slide. 

Post # 17
10501 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

View original reply
vintagefemme :  

Can you talk to her sister , who you think she would listen to and  to and have her firmly say this will not  do? If she  and Future Father-In-Law could combine forces perhaps.

I agree with the pp who said  there is no way she doesn’t realise what she is doing , she  wants to wear that damn dress for  a reason ( unless it’s  typo , in which case sorry I  got it wrong,  I see you say your partner is your fiancée, so I am wondering  if perhaps this is some passive-agressive commentary on your same-sex marriage .)

Wharever the situation,  best let the shoes and lipstick go , and concentrate on the dress aspect .  Someone needs to get that thing   off her!

Post # 18
14000 posts
Honey Beekeeper

If Mother-In-Law was writing for etiquette advice, I’d tell her a white dress is inappropriate according to traditional etiquette and permissible according to liberal etiquette as long as it is not bridal looking.

But she’s an adult, and she’s not asking. You don’t get to tell your guests what they can and can’t wear unless they are your own children. 

Her own son has already given his opinion. You should now drop it. 

Post # 19
1632 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Pretty sure I’ve seen this movie…

(Sorry if image is huge, I’m on my phone.)

Anyway, yeah, this is 100% intentional, especially if others have tried to talk her out of it. She knows what she’s doing, and yes, it’s weird. But at this point I’d let it go and let her look silly. Your Fiance can tell her unequivocally not to wear it, but are you guys willing to disinvite her if she doesn’t relent? Unless you are, then I don’t think asking or demanding is really going to have any effect at this point.

Post # 21
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Just suck it up! She’s definitely in the wrong, but you know what? She won’t see it that way if you make a big deal about it and cause a fight. MIL’s can definitely be difficult to deal with, but you’ll be dealing with her for decades to come. It’s not worth straining your relationship. And really, it probably seems like a bigger deal to you than it will to other people. You’ll be beautiful, and the veil will really set you apart. (:

Post # 23
185 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

With everything you have said I think letting it go is probably for the long term best. I would think about, maybe, changing your shoes and lipstick, and not telling her. Unless you are absolutely set on what you have already chosen. If you are any type of shoe fiend, yay new pair! 

Post # 24
1260 posts
Bumble bee

I would also let it go, but I understand why you aren’t thrilled about potentially matching your Mother-In-Law. What will your fiancee be wearing? I’m trying to get a mental image of how it will all look together.

If she won’t listen to her own daughter and sister, there’s not much you can do. If there’s a “getting ready” process, perhaps she could come visit you. Maybe seeing you in your dress will make her realize that she’d be more comfortable in her original dress. But if not, just try to let it go.

Congratuations on your upcoming marriage!

Post # 25
2141 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017


View original reply
pbubs :  see I agree with the first bit completely but not the last

you start by saying ‘put you foot down’ and ‘firmly’ and ‘not up for discussion’ and ‘doesn’t need to agree’ which is all correct

but then say tell her ‘prefer’ and ‘ask’ and ‘choose’ which is the exact opposit of the first part… these words allow her to do what she want because they are not firm facts but requests

the OP should say ‘our one rule was no white and your dress IS white and you ignoring everyone saying its white doesnt change that – wear something else posibly the blue one or dont attend’

no ‘if you could’, no ‘please will you’, no ‘we really prefer it if’ – just the straight up fact that its your wedding, its downright disrespectful, its childish to even consider she would be allowed to do this and it wont be tolerated

Post # 26
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Are you having a photographer? What if you shifted the blame a little:

“the photographer said that on camera the two fabrics are going to look almost identical and thinks it would look odd. He asked if it was possible you wear a brighter colour and after chatting to him, I tend to agree. Would you mind wearing the blue dress, or we can go shopping together if you would like?”

If she adamantly disagrees then maybe that’s where you have to really put your foot down, but hopefully you can avoid too much tension.

Post # 27
1183 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
cantthinkofagoodname :  What a great idea. Remove the discussion of is it/is it not white and focus on ‘it will LOOK white’. She can’t arge with that. If she insists on wearing it knowing the implications (which are obvious but we’ll humour her) then I’d be getting your Fiance to put his foot down. 

I think the rule of no white at weddings is daft, but  you judge the dress on the situation. Even by my very loose regard for traditions, a white lace dress that is basically a wedding dress and matches the bride is the most ridiculous attention seeking decision I’ve heard. She seriously needs to reflect on her motives here. 

Post # 28
14000 posts
Honey Beekeeper

It will “look” white is a ridiculous argument. Either it is or it isn’t. I’m starting to wonder if it’s beige on top of white and not the other way around. Do you have a photo of the dress or something similar? 

The guidelines are there for guests. But you don’t get to enforce these things. 

Post # 29
305 posts
Helper bee

Maybe she thinks it’s her wedding

Post # 30
9385 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

I’m with not pussyfooting around

for your Fi to say:

“mom, the thing is is you are making me and my bride uncomfortable by demanding to wear this dress. Everyone has tried to persuade you but you refuse to listen. We can’t force you to do anything, but I want there to be no doubt in your mind: you choosing to wear that dress and in particular those accessories that mimic my brides so closely makes both me and her uncomfortable on our own wedding day.  We love you so much and know you love us too… which makes your choice to ignore how what you are doing affects us more baffling and hurtful than if it had been from a random guest. We hope you will reconsider, but of course will love you despite the fact we feel you are wearing a bridal look if you don’t.”

Key: stop trying to convince her her look is bridal. It doesn’t matter if she agrees. What is important is that the two actual brides think it’s bridal.

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