Post # 16
Wearing white to someone else’s wedding is unacceptable. Your Fiance needs to unequivocally tell her that she cannot wear that dress and she needs to find something else. As far as the lipstick and shoes go, it’s annoying but I would let those slide.
Post # 17
Can you talk to her sister , who you think she would listen to and to and have her firmly say this will not do? If she and Future Father-In-Law could combine forces perhaps.
I agree with the pp who said there is no way she doesn’t realise what she is doing , she wants to wear that damn dress for a reason ( unless it’s typo , in which case sorry I got it wrong, I see you say your partner is your fiancée, so I am wondering if perhaps this is some passive-agressive commentary on your same-sex marriage .)
Wharever the situation, best let the shoes and lipstick go , and concentrate on the dress aspect . Someone needs to get that thing off her!
Post # 18
If Mother-In-Law was writing for etiquette advice, I’d tell her a white dress is inappropriate according to traditional etiquette and permissible according to liberal etiquette as long as it is not bridal looking.
But she’s an adult, and she’s not asking. You don’t get to tell your guests what they can and can’t wear unless they are your own children.
Her own son has already given his opinion. You should now drop it.
Post # 19
Pretty sure I’ve seen this movie…
(Sorry if image is huge, I’m on my phone.)
Anyway, yeah, this is 100% intentional, especially if others have tried to talk her out of it. She knows what she’s doing, and yes, it’s weird. But at this point I’d let it go and let her look silly. Your Fiance can tell her unequivocally not to wear it, but are you guys willing to disinvite her if she doesn’t relent? Unless you are, then I don’t think asking or demanding is really going to have any effect at this point.
Post # 21
Just suck it up! She’s definitely in the wrong, but you know what? She won’t see it that way if you make a big deal about it and cause a fight. MIL’s can definitely be difficult to deal with, but you’ll be dealing with her for decades to come. It’s not worth straining your relationship. And really, it probably seems like a bigger deal to you than it will to other people. You’ll be beautiful, and the veil will really set you apart. (:
Post # 22
Part of th issue is that she’s so incredibly wonderful otherwise. She has been really helpful, especially lately and just washed and ironed all the vintage handkerchiefs we’re giving to our guests. She is also going to have guests sign a table runner and then hand-embroider their names into it as a wedding gift for us. I know she loves me and 100% supports our marriage, and I’m certain it’s not a homophobic thing. Maybe she’s overwhelmed about her first child getting married and not being their primary family any more or something. Or maybe it’s just a really big day and she’s focused on giving a toast in front of everyone and being seen by so many people. She keeps saying she wants to wear it because she feels more comfortable in it than the blue dress.
My partner is convinced that she really just doesn’t see it and will realize it on the day or once she sees photos and will feel weird or embarrassed about it. Future Mother-In-Law keeps insisting that it’s not really white because it has nude lace over it, but it is definitely more of a white dress than I’ve ever seen anyone wear to a wedding. I love my Future Mother-In-Law and I don’t want to hurt her feelings or make her uncomfortable, but I know people are going to notice and comment on it, and I think she’ll end up feeling really uncomfortable anyway.
Now that the shock of it has worn off, I think I’m just going to let it go. I’ll mention it to her sister and she may talk her out of it, but whatever ends up happening, I’ll get to marry the love of my life. It’s not my job to prevent my Future Mother-In-Law from embarrassment, and at the end of the day, I’d rather not confront her because that will be stressful for me.
thank you all so so much for your advice and support, I really appreciate it. Reading your comments has made me feel better and feel justified in my feelings, and I think that’s what I needed most. I’ll let you know what happens!
Post # 23
With everything you have said I think letting it go is probably for the long term best. I would think about, maybe, changing your shoes and lipstick, and not telling her. Unless you are absolutely set on what you have already chosen. If you are any type of shoe fiend, yay new pair!
Post # 24
I would also let it go, but I understand why you aren’t thrilled about potentially matching your Mother-In-Law. What will your fiancee be wearing? I’m trying to get a mental image of how it will all look together.
If she won’t listen to her own daughter and sister, there’s not much you can do. If there’s a “getting ready” process, perhaps she could come visit you. Maybe seeing you in your dress will make her realize that she’d be more comfortable in her original dress. But if not, just try to let it go.
Congratuations on your upcoming marriage!
Post # 25
see I agree with the first bit completely but not the last
you start by saying ‘put you foot down’ and ‘firmly’ and ‘not up for discussion’ and ‘doesn’t need to agree’ which is all correct
but then say tell her ‘prefer’ and ‘ask’ and ‘choose’ which is the exact opposit of the first part… these words allow her to do what she want because they are not firm facts but requests
the OP should say ‘our one rule was no white and your dress IS white and you ignoring everyone saying its white doesnt change that – wear something else posibly the blue one or dont attend’
no ‘if you could’, no ‘please will you’, no ‘we really prefer it if’ – just the straight up fact that its your wedding, its downright disrespectful, its childish to even consider she would be allowed to do this and it wont be tolerated
Post # 26
Are you having a photographer? What if you shifted the blame a little:
“the photographer said that on camera the two fabrics are going to look almost identical and thinks it would look odd. He asked if it was possible you wear a brighter colour and after chatting to him, I tend to agree. Would you mind wearing the blue dress, or we can go shopping together if you would like?”
If she adamantly disagrees then maybe that’s where you have to really put your foot down, but hopefully you can avoid too much tension.
Post # 27
What a great idea. Remove the discussion of is it/is it not white and focus on ‘it will LOOK white’. She can’t arge with that. If she insists on wearing it knowing the implications (which are obvious but we’ll humour her) then I’d be getting your Fiance to put his foot down.
I think the rule of no white at weddings is daft, but you judge the dress on the situation. Even by my very loose regard for traditions, a white lace dress that is basically a wedding dress and matches the bride is the most ridiculous attention seeking decision I’ve heard. She seriously needs to reflect on her motives here.
Post # 28
It will “look” white is a ridiculous argument. Either it is or it isn’t. I’m starting to wonder if it’s beige on top of white and not the other way around. Do you have a photo of the dress or something similar?
The guidelines are there for guests. But you don’t get to enforce these things.
Post # 29
Maybe she thinks it’s her wedding
Post # 30
I’m with not pussyfooting around
for your Fi to say:
“mom, the thing is is you are making me and my bride uncomfortable by demanding to wear this dress. Everyone has tried to persuade you but you refuse to listen. We can’t force you to do anything, but I want there to be no doubt in your mind: you choosing to wear that dress and in particular those accessories that mimic my brides so closely makes both me and her uncomfortable on our own wedding day. We love you so much and know you love us too… which makes your choice to ignore how what you are doing affects us more baffling and hurtful than if it had been from a random guest. We hope you will reconsider, but of course will love you despite the fact we feel you are wearing a bridal look if you don’t.”
Key: stop trying to convince her her look is bridal. It doesn’t matter if she agrees. What is important is that the two actual brides think it’s bridal.