Post # 1
She is toxic. At first I thought it was just me, but some of the other girls have felt the same way recently as well. She is constantly condescending and acts like she is hot shit and knows everything, but she isn’t.
I will admit when we first became friends in college, I was the same way. But that was 5 years ago when I was immature and.. well quite frankly a bitch! I feel I have grown up since then and have learned a lot more about respect and just life in general since then…We recently took a vacation (me and some of my bridesmaids and her) and she was rude, condescending, really self centered and inconsiderate, and quite frankly just a bitch the entire time. Two of the girls, who had initially thought that maybe I was just stressed and such when I would say how I was feeling “icky” about her came to me and told me that she talked shit to them and basically she made them uncomfortable too!
It was a weekend for my bachelorette and she kicked up a fuss when we didn’t do what she wanted (we did more of what she wanted than ANYONE else). It’s really hard to explain how it all went down without giving too much away, but she made me absolutely miserable. I don’t want that kind of person around me on our wedding day… I dont’ want to have to watch what I say in fear of her putting me down or being condescending with me, I just don’t want her there anymore.
It’s really close to the wedding, but I’m at the point where I’m willing to pay for her dress and just be done. I know you’ll say to talk to her, but… she isn’t the type you can talk to. She is manipulative and will only upset me more…I know, because I tried to talk to her about something similar for my bridal shower and she basically went all “well if I don’t get my way, maybe I won’t come” … I wasn’t even “allowed” to tell her how /what I was feeling.
ETA: The reason I said she brings out the worst in me (title) is because I feel I have to be fake around her, and almost act how she acts when we’re alone because it’s the only way to prevent her from turning on me more.. but I don’t like how she talks about some of my other good friends and how I feel I can’t defend them with her. That’s not who I am or who I want to be.
Post # 3
@anonamee23: Well just know that if you ask her to step down you are probably ending the friendship altogether. It sounds like she’s just a terrible friend, so it’s not much of a loss. Do you have mutual friends? It could put a strain on those friendships too, but it might be worth it so you don’t have to deal with someone like her on your wedding day. Your Maid/Matron of Honor should be your best friend, not a “frenemy.”
Post # 4
You are in control of your behavior and reactions to another person, so if you truly feel like she brings out the worst in you, stop hanging out with her. I am always baffled when I see post like this, why have someone as your maid of honor behaving like that?
I think it’s either one of the following:
A. Weddings are stressful and can bring out the worst in you and her
B. For whatever reason this wedding has caused her to act differently and they may be some underlying reasons why
or what typically is more then likely in these cases
C. She always behaved like that, you probably always hated it and disliked her behavior, and you somehow thought she act differently during the wedding planning process, which I think foolish because people like that tend to double down and get worse in those types of situations.
You can end the friendship, and ask her to leave the wedding, or tolerate her and her bad behavior and have someone bringing negative energy to you on your wedding day.You are in control of the situation and yourself so you need to decide what you are going to do about it. Good luck.
Post # 5
- Wedding: September 2014 - Manhattan Church Rec Center
@housebee: Your Maid/Matron of Honor should be your best friend, not a “frenemy.” <
Post # 6
@TwoCityBride: I think you are right. She really has always behaved like this but when I Was younger I was the same… I out grew it I think and grew up and realised how wrong it was but then I think for a while I kind of just let it slide because I was used to having her there and I hoped she would grow up too, but she hasn’t and ya.. I’m over it.
ahhh.. Frenemy. that’s a great way to put it.
Have any of you ladies had to cut someone/anyone so close to the wedding? how did you do it?
Post # 7
Ew… I would just write out how you feel (since she won’t let you tell her) and email it or send it or give it to her in person and ask her to step down. I mean do you really want someone like that in your life?
Post # 8
@anonamee23: I’m just curious but why did you make this person your Maid/Matron of Honor to begin with?
If she’s not open to talking and is basically making everyone miserable and if you are absolutely sure there’s no resolution, then yes, pay for her dress and ask her to step down. This will mean you are severing the friendship but it sounds like you’re ready to do that.
Post # 9
Post # 10
@anonamee23: Can you talk to her?
One of my MOH’s is very much like this. And like you, I outgrew it. But she didn’t. Ultimately, I know she’s a great person but she doesn’t let it shine as much as she could. I am really firm but kind with her. I realized she is who she is and I love most of her but I don’t have to let the parts I’m not crazy about let me down. I keep my distance and just focus on the good stuff. Not everyone is going to act how we think they should just because we get married. 🙁 This was hard for me to get.
Post # 11
@Zhabeego: That’s a good question, and I’ve been asking myself the same thing…I think it is because I have stepped back from a lot of my friends who only want to party and have kind of stepped into more of a domestic role. She’s also doing the domestic thing so we had that in common, and was one of the few friends I had who understand the relationship thing and that my priorities have changed from the time I was 20/21… But I just feel she doesn’t respect anyone and it’s getting to be a problem
@Coral99: I’m not saying she should act a certain way- other than respecting me and my friends. I’m not asking her to kiss my ass, but I am asking her to be a decent person and not put us down or talk to us like we’re morons JUST because she thinks she is right (which, she happens not to be about 90% of the time) She really belittled us this weekend and acted like she was top dog and running the show…
Post # 12
@anonamee23: I agree she should do all those things as your friend, not just as Maid/Matron of Honor. I do totally get where you are coming from. I’m just saying you either have to accept her as is & maybe keep your distance or step away completely. That’s what I was trying to convey.
She just isn’t “there”. I know it’s hurtful & frustrating & I’m sorry you are going through it.
Post # 13
Yikes. Normally I don’t advocate asking people to step down, but it doesn’t sound like you want to be friends with this girl any more (and I can’t blame you). I would explain to her, either in person or via email, that you feel as though you’ve drifted apart and that you don’t have much in common any more. You appreciated her friendship in college, but it’s just not working any more. Tell her you don’t think you should hang out any more and say you think it’s best if she wasn’t your Maid/Matron of Honor. I would try and avoid blaming her for stuff as it would just create more drama.
Good luck and I’m sorry!
Post # 14
@anonamee23: Can you give examples of what she says/does? I’m really just being nosey here but it also might help to know about what she’s actually doing and saying.
When I was in my early twenties I had a frenemy that was really obnoxious. She was all into trying to impress people, was really competitive and tried to “outdo” everyone in our circle.
Even then, I knew she was obnoxious but it wsan’t until I had a few years under my belt that I realized just how ridiculous, foolish and shallow she was – and that she also lived well above her means just so she could feel like she was ahead.
If your friend feels the need to put others down then she’s likely very insecure and/or immature. If you can realize that it might lessen her ability to annoy you.
Post # 15
I had to ask my Maid/Matron of Honor to step down about a month ago. She was selfish, mean and made it clear that our friendship was a burden she didn’t have time for. She wouldn’t meet me in person, so I wrote her an email explaining that our friendship had faded and I didn’t think it was best for her to be the Maid/Matron of Honor. I offered for her to just be a Bridesmaid or Best Man but then she said no, but she’d be a guest at the wedding. In the end, I told her there wasn’t a friendship to salvage and that it made me very sad. She flipped out, but man was I glad it was over! She stressed me out and clearly wasn’t a friend. It sucked because my grandma had already made the dress and I had previously tried to smooth things over, but it got so bad that I just had to be done.
If you don’t mind the friendship being over, I’d just send her an email explaining that it makes you sad, but there isn’t anything left to the friendship and it would be better for everyone if she stepped down out of the wedding.
I hope you get this solved quickly! I know how stressful it is!
Post # 16
@Zhabeego: okay as an example.. we went Out of Town for my bachelorette and my dad graciously offered to cover accommodations (which for teh girls we had was expensive enough and obviously something he didn’t have to do) when we got there, the VERY FIRST THING she did was call me in my room (yes he also made it so nobody had to share beds) was “omg your parents actually like this place? It’s kinda dumpy”.
2- She told one of my friends it was a complete waste of time because she’s going back in November, and we didn’t drink the whole time (it was my bachelorette and I got sick… BECAUSE she dragged us all tired and stuff to a hot dog place and insisted we try the craziest stuff- I hate hot dogs and it was super hot out- then she dragged us around looking for this other stupid thing she wanted and ended up not even having) she drank a lot this weekend but the rest of us just weren’t feeling it
3- She was really pushy and aggressive… we were at a bar and had just gotten drinks and she finished hers but I was taking my time (because I didn’tw ant to get sick) and she starts like shaking me and going hurry up, meanwhile poking my stomach.. like wtf and generally just made snarky remarks about how we were slow if we took our time or we were wasting her time, or whatever. It’s all out of context now but hard to explain
On a more regular basis, she’ll talk down to you and call you sweetie like your an idiot not like the caring way, and like pet you like you’re a dumb dog… you know? just condescending “I’m better than you” shit. She literally has to one up you no matter what and has an opinion on EVERYTHING.. and ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS feels the need to share it, no matter how inappropriate.