(Closed) My MOH doesn’t support us

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Hostess
18644 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Maybe if it bothers you, you should ask her to step down from being your Maid/Matron of Honor.  I think that having her there is just going to make things worse because you will always think about how she doesn’t approve of your relationship.  Honestly, I think the Maid/Matron of Honor should keep their mouth shut about the bride’s relationship unless there is something seriously wrong like abuse.

Post # 4
Member
4123 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Did she say why she doesn’t think you should be married?  I think her reasons have a lot to do with the answer to this question.

Post # 5
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Aww that sucks. I don’t understand why she’d still want to be in a wedding she doesn’t approve of. That’s strange to me. It sounds like she just wants the attention of being Maid/Matron of Honor because I can’t see any other reason she would want to stay in the wedding. I don’t know. I feel like you gave her the out too nicely and then she didn’t take it and now you’re just going to be unhappy with her as your Maid/Matron of Honor. Can you have another conversation with her and ask her why, if she doesn’t support your marriage, she still wants to be a huge part of your wedding? If it was me, I’d need her to answer that question – and the answer would need to be pretty damn good – to keep her in the wedding after her flat out saying she doesn’t support the marriage.

Post # 6
Member
2289 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

That’s hard. You do want someone who will support your marriage standing up next to you.

I went through something similar in that I had a couple of friends who didn’t support us because we’d gotten engaged so quickly. I had some friends say “we don’t approve of what you’re doing…but we support you” and they came around fairly quickly. The one that didn’t say that I don’t talk to anymore. The point is that – little consolation as it is –  at least she’s acknowledging that if you’re happy, she’s happy.

Anyhoo, did she mention WHY she isn’t supportive? From what’s in your post, it seems to come out of nowhere. 

Post # 7
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

You either need to take what she said seriously and genuinely think about whether or not you SHOULD be getting married to your Fiance.. OR ask her to step down. She doesn’t support the wedding or marriage, she absolutely can’t be your Maid/Matron of Honor.

Post # 8
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

I’ve read a few of your other posts about your Maid/Matron of Honor – does she say why she doesn’t support the two of you being together? I know you said they were good friends through college and he dated one of her other friends…any background there that might make her feel this way towards the two of you?

Post # 9
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

If a friend of mine said she didn’t think we should be getting married, I’d have to know why she felt that way. I’d either assume she’s off her rocker or that there is a valid concern that perhpas i’m not seeing.

She may not approve, but I think she’s trying to show she’s a good friend, no matter her feelings, and trying to move past it.

Post # 10
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Do you know why she feels this way?

Maybe you should ask her to step down as Maid/Matron of Honor since she doesn’t agree with your marriage and you’ll be thinking about it the whole time instead of enjoying your wedding.

Post # 11
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

Just wanted to chime in because I’ve been the Maid/Matron of Honor in a wedding I didn’t aprove off.  I agreed to be the Maid/Matron of Honor because the bride meant a great deal to me and our relationship was important to me.  I never explicitly told her I didn’t think they should be getting married but I would not be surprised if she knew.  None of her friends really approved of the relationship.  For what it’s worth they are still together and trying for a baby.  It was a complicated situation.

Also I think there is a difference between thinking the wedding is a bad idea and not supporting the relationship.  Once it’s done, the decision made… you support your friend, no matter that you wish she hadn’t done it.

Post # 12
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

This is a really difficult situation and I’m sorry that it’s happening to you.

I’m in a similar situation, however I’m the Maid/Matron of Honor (for my sister) who has issues with her FH.  Before they got engaged (as in months before) we were fighting constantly about his treatment of her.  I honestly was/am concerned that his possessive behaviour will make her miserable and drive her away from her family and friends.  It’s a concern for my entire family. 

That being said, I support my sister.  When she got engaged, I took them both out for dinner to congratulate them.  When she asked me to be her Maid/Matron of Honor, I said yes.  I knew it was coming and had decided that supporting her meant more to me then the fact that he isn’t the husband I would want for her.  I’m determined to be the best Maid/Matron of Honor that I can be.  

I think that once your friend agreed to be Maid/Matron of Honor, she agreed to stand with you and support YOU.  I think that she should never have said something about not supporting your marriage unless she is seriously concerned for your safety or mental health.  I agree with the other Bees that you should weigh her comments and think of whether there are any reasons that she would feel the need to say something.  After that, if you still feel uncomfortable, you should ask her to step down.  It’s great that she wants to be there for you, but unless she can be truly supportive of you and keep her mouth shut about your FH, she should step down.

Good Luck!

Post # 13
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

To me, it seems like your friend is still trying to be a good friend to support you even though she may not agree with your decision to get married. Since she wants to be there to support you then I don’t see why it should be a problem. We are all going to make choices in our lives that our friends may not understand or agree without, however the true test of friendship is when friends can put their personal feelings aside and truly just support their friend. If it were me, I would keep her as my Maid/Matron of Honor.

 

Post # 14
Member
2289 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Hear hear, curlydreamer.

Post # 15
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee

I think it totally depends on how you feel. One of my bridesmaids doesn’t believe in marriage, and particularly opposes people getting married young, and has told me so. This isn’t ideal, but she was excited for me to ask her, bought her dress on time, and listens to my wedding ideas + gives me helpful advice. and she doesn’t take every opportunity to point out how wrong I am. So I really don’t mind this at all. 

On the other hand, if she complained about the wedding and kept trying to tell me what a mistake I was making, that would probably annoy me. 

So if I were you, I would first think about whether her concerns have any merit. Often our close friends see more clearly than we do in these sorts of situations and tell us truths we may not want to hear. Maybe there are some changes you can make in the relationship with Fiance that would make both her and you happier. 

Second, I would think about how much her behavior is going to bother you, and if it is really a big deal, ask her to step down

Post # 16
Member
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I don’t want to sound harsh, but get a new Maid/Matron of Honor and kick this b*tch out of the wedding.  Who is she to say that she doesn’t support you?  If you doesn’t for whatever reason (probably jealousy), why would you want her in your bridal party?

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