(Closed) My MOH dropped out 6 weeks before the wedding!!!

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 62
Member
5870 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

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@karma92:  Then I think you should drop her as a friend.  Be  clear with her that she’s not in the wedding party, decide if you still want her there as a guest (probably not) and tell her.  It’s going to be friendship ending, but it doesn’t sound like a friendship worth saving.

 

Post # 63
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@karma92:  I think a phone call or meeting up for coffee might have been a better approach.  I totally understand where the anger and disappointment is coming from, just sometimes in person we can hash things out a bit better, and no risk for misunderstanding through text.  She may have seen beyond your anger, and actually seen how incredibly hurt and sad you are about her little regard she has for you.  Reality is, if she feels this strongly about not seeing her ex, then you probably don’t want the drama to go along with it on your big day!  But if you are truly uninviting her and making the decision for her to no longer stand up for you, I think you should sit down face to face, so she can see just how difficult it was for you and how hurt you are.  But if you do go through with it, be prepared for this friendship to be over.  As much as you’re hurting, she’s going to be upset as well.  Her dropping out, especially last minute seems pretty immature IMO.  Unless they had a dreadful breakup, or he was abusive towards her, I don’t really see why they can’t spend a few hours together one day and put on a happy face.

Post # 65
Member
1833 posts
Buzzing bee

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@peachacid:  she said she was 21 in a post about a month ago

Post # 67
Member
9083 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@karma92:  Since your post has been scathing about her and her life I am pretty sure she saw right through your apology. You still feel the things you orgiinally said or why else would you have created this thread.

You think she has been a bad friend? What kind of friend have you been over the months? Have you once tried to talk to her about how she is doing and feeling? Or has it just been weddding stuff? Have you tried to take her out to do soemthing fun that might cheer her up or like what you said in your post did you just invite her to do wedding stuff.

And by the way your Bridesmaid or Best Man are not required to do anything for your wedding planning and that includes coming to appointments. It is YOUR wedding so you and your Fiance are the ones to plan it. Is it nice if someone comes sure but you shouldn’t be holding it against her if she doesn’t. I get the feeling that you are just looking for excuses to dump your friend because she didn’t help you as much as you wanted.

Your friend has obviously been through a tough break up that she isn’t over. Maybe she needs the money from the band and that is why she is still there. Maybe she needed to stay in the band in order to prove she was over him. There are many reasons why she could be doing the things that she is. It sounds like this poor girl could use a true friend to talk to and who might help her, be compassionate etc. I say let her go so that she find that person.

Post # 69
Member
3771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

You know if a many people (who are strangers from all different parts of the world) get the same vibe from you, and are mostly all giving you the same advice- it might be time to step back and take a look at the situation a little differently.

I think you were the one that completely blew this out of proportion, and were not a goo dfiend in the way you treated her. I have read all the updates, and still think you really handled this poorly. I am so confused as to how in any way she embarrassed you…

Post # 70
Member
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@karma92:  

NO…actually, you have now officially dumped her.  AND asked her to not even attend your wedding.  Sounds to me like she has had a tough time with the break up and you don’t give a $hit.  You really need to go back and read what you have posted about yourself here.  It’s not pretty.

Post # 71
Member
9083 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@karma92:  Stop being so defensive. It doesn’t help your cause at all.

I asked those questions because it definately wasn’t clear from your posts that you were trying to be a good friend and that all that seemed to matter to you was your wedding.

I don’t need any magical internet powers, I just needed to read what you wrote to get those feelings.

I think you could really benefit from following

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@ieatunicorns:‘s advice regarding going back over what you wrote. Maybe try to read your posts as an objective stranger might.

At the end of the day you knew your friend was going through a hard time with this break up and you still went beserk at her. You basically are putting a party over a friendship.

Post # 72
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

OP, I personally think you overreacted BIG TIME and for you to say “she should have put her feelings aside for our big day” makes you sound really snotty. Can you say with 100% honesty that if you and your Fiance broke up and were in the same wedding party that you would be able to spend most of the day near (or next to) him taking pictures and acting happy?? All your Maid/Matron of Honor did was tell you she was having doubts about it, I agree with PP’s that maybe all she needed was a little reassurance… I feel bad for HER to be honest.

ETA: She expects me to change my wedding day to suit her so she doesn’t have to be near him – correct me if I’m wrong (I may be, I haven’t read all the posts) but I did not see anything about your Maid/Matron of Honor asking you to change anything about your day….

Post # 73
Member
854 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Reading all of this me makes me wonder what really happened.  OP, why are you so hostile towards her and why did you ask her to be your Maid/Matron of Honor in the first place?  If she hasn’t spent much time with you did you bother to see if she is OK, if something is going on in her life? Maybe she needed a friend to reach out to her. It seems like she took the breakup really hard and maybe that was wearing on her.

Do you even care?

One thing you learn as you get older (you’re both so very young) that is you know who you real friends are and who will be with you when the going gets tough. Hopefully she is learning this lesson now.

Your translation of “having second thoughts” is “I don’t care to be in your wedding. I don’t care if it’s only 6 weeks out, I DGAF and out! Good riddance!”  That is exactly how you responded to her.

 

Post # 74
Member
2555 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

she didn’t do anything to you. she didn’t drop out. she came to you with a concern. i’d bet money that, had you told her “everything will be alright, please be my Maid/Matron of Honor, I love you” it would have been perfet. she texted asking for reassurance, not dropping out. and you went crazy on her.

Post # 75
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I think you should stop worrying about this and write her off.

Why? Well, it’s clear that you don’t have many (any?) positive feelings about her. Thus it seems to be a good thing that this happened, and she won’t be your Maid/Matron of Honor. Nothing you’ve written suggests to me that you really want her to be the woman by your side as you wed. Your irritation, as you’ve expressed it, seems to stem mostly from how she has complicated your plans and broken an  agreement (to be in your wedding). You’re also unhappy that you haven’t been feeling the love from her in months. So, yeah — I’d say it’s a really good thing she’s out of your wedding party.

I also suspect that your former Maid/Matron of Honor is quite grateful to be released from her commitment to you, because your behavior does not strike me as that of a true friend. Here’s how I think a true friend would have behaved: on receiving that email, you would have been shocked, upset, and hurt, but also concerned about her — and what this meant for your friendship. You would have called her, distressed, and said, “Oh my God! I had no idea you were feeling this way! What can I do to work this out? I really need you by my side  — you’re such an amazing friend; the day would not be the same without you as my MOH! Can we talk about this?” That your thoughts instead instantly turned to anger and resentment, and you so immediately replaced her with a new Maid/Matron of Honor, probably tells this woman that your idea of friendship is incompatible with hers.

(But I should probably disclose that I, like your former Maid/Matron of Honor, am a “femminist” who is not particularly eager for a “house…[and] baby’s”, so I may not be mature enough, in your view, to offer advice here.)

Post # 76
Member
2551 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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@daynalenore:  It sounds like your friend is really suffering with this breakup.  I imagine it would be awfully painful to be going through that at the same time a good friend is getting married.  It’s perfectly normal for other people’s relationship success to make our own hardships feel somehow worse.  When you’ve just been dumped the last person you want to see is that happy-in-love friend who is planning her wedding.

I imagine you picked this girl to be your Maid/Matron of Honor because she’s your best friend.  I’m sure we’d all agree that no event, certainly not a wedding, is worth losing a good friend over.  I’d call her up and give her a chance to tell you what’s going on.  I’m willing to bet she’s heartbroken over the breakup and can’t stomach the idea of smiling in wedding pictures next to a guy she probably hoped to be marrying someday.  Her only fault was not telling you this right after the breakup but I imagine she looked at the calendar and assured herself she’d have it together by your wedding date.

Best of luck!!

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