(Closed) My MOH hates weddings, or maybe just mine…what do I do? (long)

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Wow, that’s awful of her to be such a Grinch! It would be tricky to change your Maid/Matron of Honor now since it’s so close to the wedding, but on the other hand, if she hasn’t been much help at all, it wouldn’t make much of a difference. I would lean towards replacing her. She has shown her true colors and even though she’s been your best friend, she seems pretty willing to throw it all away. The job of the Maid/Matron of Honor is to make the bride’s life easier… by demanding that you tell her what to do doesn’t help at all. By whining about her duties (YES she has to stand up there the whole time, WTF?), she’s just stressing you out more and the entire time you’re up there you’ll be preoccupied with how her attitude is affective you. Bad vibes during a happy ocassion is not cool.

If you can live with the possibility that she’ll be mad at you or not be your friend anymore, I would say pick a new Maid/Matron of Honor.

Post # 5
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

I don’t think your requests were unreasonable, but I do think she’s made her point. She’s not really willing to do much to help you out except for show up the day of the wedding. Unfortunately, if you try to replace her now, I think your friendship will be over. So, unless you’re prepared for that, I would probably keep her in as your Maid/Matron of Honor.

I know you guys talked the other night, but can you sit her down and try to have a better conversation with her rather than a blowup? It’s clear that you’re upset with her for not being involved, and it’s clear that she’s quite bitter that you’re getting married, but maybe you could ask her where the bitterness is coming from? It’s a shame that a 20 year friendship is ending up this way, but try to work it out. If she doesn’t want to be a huge part of the wedding, then you have to be ok with her just showing up the day of in order to keep the peace. Your friendship might improve even!

Post # 6
75 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

It’s unfortunate you friend is acting this way, but it’s not the first time I’ve seen it happen.  My sister complained about all the same things, yes, right down to complaining that she’d have to stand during the ceremony for our other sister’s wedding, and having to pay to alter the bridesmaid dress, even though the dresses themselves were a gift from the bride.

Here’s my two cents:  Tell your friend that you value her friendship so much that if she’d rather step down, you’re sad but willing to do let her do that in order to keep your friendship intact.  You’d love for her to share in your wedding activities, but if it’s putting pressure on her, and making her not enjoy the role, then you’d rather that she be a happy guest than an unhappy Maid/Matron of Honor.

Couching it in those terms lets her feel that 1) your friendship matters more to you than having her perform duties she’d rather not do; 2) that she’s in complete control of the choice of being Maid/Matron of Honor or guest without you being upset; 3) you’re not complaining about her, judging her lack of enthusiasm, or being “selfish.”  (You’re not being selfish, btw, but in her twisted perspective she may be reacting to that.) 

Whatever is going on with her – jealousy, anxiety, sour grapes, objecting to feeling obliged or pressured, or something personal that’s completely unrelated to you, I think those feelings are something you can’t control.  But if you try to see it from her perspective, help her feel understood, then I think she’ll be more honest about her decision to be Maid/Matron of Honor or step down.  

Though it would be nice to know why she’s feeling and acting this way, it’s not as important as helping her feel that either choice is ok.  If you react with anxiety or anger, then she’ll just become more passive and/or aggressive.

I know my eldest sister who did all this complaining, felt obliged to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man for our middle sister, because we were both hers.  But the middle sister and I both would rather that our eldest sister simply had said, “hey thanks for the thought, but I’m juggling some other things right now, so no thanks.”  How much easier on everyone it would have been had she just been honest at the beginning! But my eldest sister has a passive aggressive streak, so the middle sister had to put up with it.  On the other hand, I asked the middle sister to be my Maid/Matron of Honor and the eldest is not a Bridesmaid or Best Man at all, and her daughter is not a flower girl.  And I haven’t heard a single complaint about it.

I think you’re situation is tough, but completely salvageable.  If you can be strong enough to mask your anxiety and put concern for her feelings first, I think everything will work out in the end.  I think if she feels understood, she’ll be more cooperative in her role, and if she’s really not up for it, you have your backup plan in place.

Good luck!

Post # 7
690 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Wow, talk about not even trying to hide how jealous she is of you. Now that you are planning YOUR wedding, all of a sudden she hates weddings? Please. If it were me I would tell her to get over herself or you will replace her. You don’t need her negativity ruining what should be an amazing once-in-a-lifetime experience for you.That is not something that real friends do.

If she didn’t want to be involved and supportive, she should have turned down your request, respectfully, to be your Maid of Honor.

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