Post # 1
My best friend, let’s call her Jane, is cheating on her husband with a man she met less than a week ago. They’ve been married for a couple years and she’s always been unhappy, but why cheat? Why not leave him? They have a young child together and she has told me in the past the only reason she is still with him is because he supports her financially right now. I keep waking up everyday feeling super guilty for knowing this information and not knowing what to do with it.
She told me to promise not to tell anyone. We are best friends and have been since 8th grade, so I feel like I would break her trust. I also do not particularly like her husband, he is very mean and controlling of her. He controls her money, her friends, everything. She has to ask permission to hang out with me (or anyone for that matter).
I realize it’s her life and I should stay out of it, but now she is using me as an excuse to hang out with her “lover”…She is telling her husband she is hanging out with me while she’s actually with him. I actually had a dream about it last night and I woke up feeling sick. How could someone cheat on their husband? I am engaged right now, and I couldn’t imagine being with another man. I am overcome with guilt about my friend Jane cheating-and it isn’t even me doing it!
Post # 3
I had friends doing the same, call Jane tell her you love her but you don’t support her choices. Let her know you will not be a cover story for her affair and even though you don’t want your friendship to end that if push comes to shove and she puts in a position you will not lie for her.
Second be calm and before you get tough with her maybe go over her options for divorce or for saving her marriage, tell her you concerned about how this will affect her child, tell her if she unhappy she needs to either work on her relationship or make an effective plan to get out.
This is awful and I hate being put in a position like that but your backs againist the wall and you have to do what you have too.
Tell her you support and love her, and not her actions.
Post # 4
@Anonymous_Bee20: oh my god, your Maid/Matron of Honor sounds exactly like a former friend of mine. We were friends since middleschool as well, and we weren’t BFF’s but pretty good friends, talked everyday for hours (about her troubled marriage and guys she would meet, and cheat on her husband with).
She is controlled by him, he’s psychotic, he once got mad at her and yelled at her in front of their child (6) saying she didn’t make him a turkey sandwich for his lunch for work! like literally freaking out, and this was nothing new.
You obviously can’t tell the husband, because one, you’re putting her in great danger (especially because he’s controlling) and two, you WILL lose her trust.
I would try to ease her way into finding the heart to divorce him. Guide her, give her options as a friend….give her examples of people who did it, and tell her she would still be supported financially through child support and possibly alimony.
Post # 5
@Anonymous_Bee20: I think you need to talk to your friend. Tell her that it is her life and you are not trying to control it (which isn’t your place) But what you can say is that it makes you uncomfortable to be her cover. Ask her to keep your name out of it. A good friend should understand that. Once your name is left out of it, you have no reason to feel guilty.
Post # 6
I am going to tell her I am not willing to be her cover up, it is not my place and it is making me feel awful about it.
This is why I don’t want to tell her husband because I know how he is. And also I don’t want to lose her trust and/or friendship.
I agree. I am planning on talking to her today.
*ETA: Jane just called me and had a one sided conversation in front of her husband! It went like this…
Jane: Hey so are we still meeting at Kroger’s parking lot at 9? I’m dropping my daughter off now then I will be on my way.
Me: Uhhh what are you talking about? I’m at work.
Jane: Sounds good! I can’t wait to help you pick out wedding flowers! I’ll see you there!
Post # 7
+1. I would stay friends with her, but I wouldn’t lie for it. I’d make it known that I do not agree with what is being done and I would refuse to be a sounding board to discuss it. I can look past it, but don’t throw it in my face constantly.
Post # 8
some bees might think this is extreme but my response would be to not have her in my bridal party.
Best friend or no best friend, your bridesmaid and especially your maid of honour are supposed to be there to support you in your marriage, to stand up for you on the day you say your vows and show that they stand by you and believe in you, your husband and the sanctity of marriage.
This kind of behaviour isn’t the sort of thing I’d want as my nearest and dearest example, now is a cheater the kind of person who I would want to stand up with me on MY wedding day? No way.
Post # 9
After that phone call I would definitely make it clear you don’t support this and will not cover for her. She is USING you and apparently without evening giving you a warning.
Let her know you’ll help her leave her husband if she wants, or help her get couples therapy if she wants but WILL NOT help her cheat and lie.
Post # 10
99.9% of the time I would say no way!
BUT–she’s trapped in a relationship “for the sake of her child” (in her head, at least). She might not ever leave her controlling asshole husband without knowing that someone will be there to support her and her child.
So in this INCREDIBLY specific circumstance… I don’t really blame her for what she’s doing.
Post # 11
Ugh see, that’s how I felt at first. I honestly see WHY she’s cheating. But don’t get my wrong, I am always against cheating…I just see her POV. She is not getting any love or affection from her husband. However, I really hate that I’m being used as her cover up 🙁 It makes me feel like I am somehow cheating, too!
Post # 12
I told my Fiance this story and he feels this way as well. I wish she never would have told me any of this.
Post # 13
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@Anonymous_Bee20: I would support my friend but I flat out refuse to be used as a cover story for hanging out with her boyfriend. A friend did this to me years ago and it made me feel awful to know that I was helping them lie. I hated feeling like I was walking on eggshells every time I saw their spouse.
Post # 14
It is absolutely ridiculous that she’s using you as her cover story. After that phone call, I would confront her. Let her know that you do not want to know details about her affair nor do you want to be her cover story. She is putting you in an extremely uncomfortable position and she is not being a good friend to you.
Post # 15
If she is in a controlling abusive relationship (especially with a young child) she may not just feel trapped…she may really be trapped.
The fear of her H taking away her child…because they do threaten…and quite frequently win in court.
The fear of her child being harmed if she isn’t there to protect them when they visit their father.
The fear of not being able to survive financially…no food on the table, no roof over their heads.
The fear of being alone…because even in a bad relationship there is still another person.
And the biggest one…fear of him! In abusive controlling relationships the most dangerous time is when someone is leaving/just after leaving an abuser.
I’m not saying she is right in doing what she is doing however no one knows how they would react in the same situation until they are. Controlling relationships lack any sort of emotional connection so the disconnect is there long before the relationship ends. It does not mean that she doesn’t support your marriage or believe in the ‘sanctity’ of marriage. It just means that she has probably felt so dead inside for so long and this is an emotional release.
That being said you do need to tell her that she cannot use you as an excuse. After you tell her I would suggest not answering any calls from her for a while.
Do NOT tell her H…you have no idea what that could cause.
Post # 16
This is exactly why she can’t leave. She’s afraid of him.
Their daughter acts out constantly. If I go to lunch with Jane & her daughter, and the daughter does something bad (which is really common) and Jane will try to punish her-the daughter will say “I’m going to tell Daddy on you!” And Jane instantly backs off. It’s the craziest situation I have ever seen. Jane has no control over her relationship or her child. She is still in college getting her teaching degree, and she has always told me once she graduates she is leaving her husband. I just hope that it’s true. :/