Post # 17
I would tell her that she can no longer use you as a cover but I wouldn’t ever tell her husband. Right now he might only be verbally controlling, but if not having a turkey sandwich made him rage and yell at her, telling him that she’s sleeping with someone else would probably end with her dead. He doesn’t sound physically abusive, be he seems to have anger issues and enjoys being in control, so it’s not a stretch to assume he would react violently if he ever found out.
Post # 18
Tricky situation. While I would normally say that you should limit your involvement to just not telling the spouse and not allowing yourself to be used as an excuse, I think this situation is a little different.
If she is truly miserable in her marriage and there are concerns for her safety with her husband’s anger issues, her using you as an excuse may help protect her from his anger if he finds out. However, it would be best for her to leave her husband before continuing on with this new guy. If she is affraid to leave him because of what he may do, I think you should be a supportive friend in helping her get the resources and help to be able to leave him safely. Perhaps if she felt more comfortable about leaving she would focus her attention on that for the time being versus continuing on with this new guy behind her husband’s back.
Post # 19
@Anonymous_Bee20: By The Way when I said don’t answer her calls I didn’t mean don’t talk to her anymore but just make sure that YOU call her at times when she doesn’t know so can’t use you as an excuse…or email…or text.
As other posters have said, maybe you can find some help for her. The local DV centre or women’s helpline.
Post # 20
@Luayne: I’m going to see if we can have lunch together today and I can talk to her about everything. I’ve always encouraged her to leave her husband because I have seen first hand how terrible he is. However, she is insistant about staying with him until she finishes her degree.
Post # 21
Tell her not to use you as a cover story, but that you’ll help her out if/when she decides to leave her husband. The fact that she called you in front of him probably means he’s already suspicious.
Post # 22
@lalalyanne: ITA, was going to say the same thing. On my wedding day I wanted people I loved that were positive and good role models…not my cheating friend.
Post # 23
@Anonymous_Bee20: I have a friend that cheats on her boyfriend all the time, but we have a rule that she has to make up her own excuse and not involve me. It doesn’t affect our friendship.
Post # 24
@Anonymous_Bee20: Glad you are going to talk to her. I understand that you want to help her however she needs to leave him when SHE is ready or she’ll just go back. She probably wants to finish her degree first because that will be empowering for her and she will be able to be self sufficient.
Hope your talk goes well. Keep us updated.
Post # 25
@Anonymous_Bee20: Okay to me this sounds like a total case of not wanting to be guilty alone. She probably couldn’t handle her wrong doings and thought she would shoulder the guilt onto you. She probably feels less guilty if someone else knows and she probably feels even MORE secure if the person she told is now also a partner in crime. She is using you and I am sur eit makes her feel better. I would tell her you do not condone the actions but cannot tell her how to live her life and if her husband were to call you to discover her location that you would not lie and say she was with you. If she was a good friend then she would not have made you carry her shame. Wash you hands clean and get out of it.
If I were you I would kick her out of the bridal party and not for cheating but for getting you involved. I would think my Maid/Matron of Honor had more love for me than that.
Post # 26
@Anonymous_Bee20: IMO if your that close with her you need to tell her straight out. WHAT IF she tells husband that shes with you and you run into him or he calls you?? Would you lie right to him for her? I think you need to tell her to stop using you. What kind of friend does that to another?
Post # 27
I think there’s a potential that she (and child) may eventually be under real danger if the husband turns out to have the potential to abuse. This is all me just guessing though based on the signals. If that is the case, I think you should be her supportive friend and look out for her health and wellbeing, and focus on that, but you absolutely can let her know you don’t feel comfortable being the cover. Let her know you’re here for her and find resources for her to read up on options for divorce, how to take shelter, build up some money on the side, etc. I actually think there’s a real danger sign that he’s controlling her money and her friends.
Post # 28
I wouldn’t have her as Maid/Matron of Honor or a bridesmaid. What she does is her business, but she stepped way over the line when she used you as a cover.
She would be out of the wedding ASAP if she did that to me.
Post # 29
Very tricky situation! Of course, you have done the right thing by deciding that you will no longer allow yourself to be used as a cover for her cheating.
However, you could offer to be used as a temporary cover for her meetings with a therapist and with an attorney, to help her figure out how to extricate herself from her unhappy marriage. And then go WITH her to these meetings.
IMO, women who stay with men solely because they want to be “supported” are pretty sorry creatures. But it sounds like there are other factors at play here, including possibly paralyzing fear in an abusive situation.
Good luck with this!
Post # 30
It’s been a few days since I’ve been able to update. So as far as I know, Jane has had sex with her new lover twice. I haven’t talked to her since Friday afternoon when I ran into her at the college, so it’s probably more now. She wouldn’t answer my phone calls this weekend to meet up for lunch. I texted her all evening Friday and called her Saturday with no response.
So now I feel angry at her. She used me as an excuse, and now she can’t even text me back about having lunch? I’m afraid this affair is going to get the best of her. She was so wrapped up in this new guy Friday afternoon I couldn’t believe it. She said she was going to tell him she was done with him because she “only wanted no strings attached sex” but I don’t think that’s going to be the case.
She is getting no affection from her husband, but they have sex all the time apparently. So why is she having a physical affair with someone instead of an emotional one? You would think it would be the other way around.
Post # 31
@Anonymous_Bee20: Her physicial affair might be meeting those emotional needs…she might be able to talk to him and really enjoy her time with him. It’s much harder for a woman to find someone to have an emotional affair with, than to find someone to have a physical affair with that she can imagine becoming into something more or providing her with an escape for her current relationship.