(Closed) My MOH is driving me crazy!! (Super long)

posted 10 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Bee
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park

You don’t have to be nice. Be direct and just ask her. Tell her what your feelings are and why you are having them. Try not to be accusatory, just honest.

If all else fails, just "fire" her.

 

There is no way to make sure she isn’t a bitch on your wedding day. 

Post # 5
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I’m not sure what kind of best friend would be treating you like this.  She needs to be called on the fact that she is acting like this.  Maybe she doesn’t realize it; maybe she realizes it but isn’t realizing how it’s affecting you; maybe she realizes it and is doing it on purpose.  Regardless, it needs to be stopped, and you owe it to yourself to say something.  I’ll bet that if you act as the bigger person and bring up the issue openly and honestly, it will make you feel better.  And it may also make it stop.  But who knows – people do what they want, sometimes regardless of others.

 good luck….. don’t let her win.  this is YOUR day, not hers.  don’t let her make it about her.

Post # 6
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I’m not sure why you are looking for a *nice* way to ask what her problem is, when she is obviously being quite rude to you (so much that other people comment on it).  I would go ahead and let her know that you have had problems with her attitude for a while, but figured that it was temporary and she would be more enthusiastic and supportive.  But now its gotten to the point that other people are noticing, and asking you what is going on, and so you really need for her to get in line.  If there is some way you can help her to feel better about this, that’s great, but otherwise all she really needs to know is that you won’t listen to it anymore – if she doesn’t have something supportive to say, she should just say nothing.  Then you need to stand behind that – if she gets negative on the phone, just tell her you can’t listen to any more of that, and hang up.  If you’re in the same room, either walk away or ask her to leave.  I agree that it sounds like she is jealous, and trying to get some attention for herself, and maybe she thinks it sounds clever to make sarcastic comments and say nasty things about your Fiance.  You just need to let her know that you’re not going to put up with it anymore.

You don’t say why she’s your Maid/Matron of Honor.  If she is actually your friend (and I can’t see how, when she’s so nasty to you) then you can let her know that you aren’t sure your friendship is going to survive her behavior.  But I kind of wonder why she is your MOH?  If you seriously think that she’s going to cause a problem on your wedding day, and she’s behaving this badly now, I would consider letting her know that if she can’t behave in a supportive manner, you don’t want her to participate.  You shouldn’t have to listen to that kind of stuff at all, let alone on your wedding day.  You can dismiss a member of your bridal party you know – there are lots of posts about it.  It would cause some temporary drama, but it sounds like it would make things much more peaceful for you.

Post # 7
Member
754 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

When I was my best friend’s Maid/Matron of Honor, when I was helping her get ready (we were alone), I looked her right in the eye and asked her "Are you sure?"  She looked back at me and said, "Yes."  She divorced him after a very unhappy two years of marriage.  We’ve talked about that moment and she said she wished she would have told me no.  I guess her mother asked her the same question a little before I did.  He was a great guy, just not a man she was in love with, and everyone saw it. 

Now, I am NOT trying to defend the actions of your Maid/Matron of Honor, I would’ve told her off.  I am also not saying your situation is anything like my friend’s.  There were better ways for your friend to communicate with you, she obviously chose to be nasty.  I am sorry you don’t have a more supportive friend.

Post # 8
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

Honesty is the best approach, but I don’t think you need to ask her "what her problem is" because whatever the answer is, now is not the time to deal with that, especially if she says something crazy that you don’t like. That can open up a whole other area of unnecessary stress, especially if it turns out that there’s no resolution. You need to tell her that if she doesn’t like your Fiance, that’s fine, but that trying to convince you not to marry him, and making snide comments about everything every time you turn around, is not how you want to spend one of the happiest days of your life. Let her know that this isn’t the time for all of her opinions and dislikes and annoyances – this is a time where she is supposed to be supporting you and participating in the celebration (without the attitude). Period.

I have been married for 6 weeks now, and still haven’t spoke to my Maid/Matron of Honor since the wedding. She sniped and bitched almost throughout the whole planning process (nothing I did made her feel special enough compared to my other friends who were BM’s). I sincerely regret having her as my Maid/Matron of Honor and literally feel like choking her every time I think about it. Not because of the things she said, but because of her incredibly inappropriate timing of when she decided to say them. Also, her  sourpuss has shown up in pictures to the point where some people have asked me what her deal was? Those are not the kind of memories you want for your wedding day. It requires too much energy during an already stressful time, to deal with someone with an attitude, on top of the fact that it takes away your joy. Let your Maid/Matron of Honor know that you can’t tolerate what she’s doing right now, and hopefully she will care enough about you and is mature enough to handle that.  

Post # 9
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Wow.  I hate to tell you this knudsonwedding, but you need some new friends.  If this is how your best friend treats you, I don’t want to see how the rest of your friends are acting.  You most certainly can fire her two weeks before your wedding – better now then at the rehearsal, or the Rehearsal Dinner, when she makes a few cracks in front of your Fiance or his family and friends.  And you absolutely can tell her that her behavior is unacceptable.  She’s not acting like any kind of friend – your post sounds like one of the psycho Future Sister-In-Law stories.  And seriously, how long can you continue to be friends with someone who talks that way about your husband, and about you?  If she is your friend, she needs to shape up.  If she doesn’t shape up, she’s not your friend.  It actually doesn’t sound to me like she’s been acting all that friendly since about the time you got engaged – which is almost 2 years ago, according to your profile. 

Maybe she’s afraid of how your relationship will change when you’re married, but it almost sounds like she’s doing everything she can to make sure can’t be friends anymore.  Unfortunately you probably can’t spend a bunch of time babysitting her feelings right now – and doing that would probably make the problem worse, since part of her agenda seems to be that she wants to be the center of attention.  I know it’s hard to have a friend act this way, and she might get really mad if you tell her off or fire her, but you should think hard about whether a friend who treats you this way is really worth having.

Post # 10
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • V
  • 10 years ago

I don’t understand what is it about some relationships that turn happiness into jelousy….

 is she single? Married? is her wedding coming up? was it smaller than yours? All these stupid question shouldn’t matter but for some people they do….

 I’m with whoever said…"fire her"…I know is easier said than done…such bad timing! 

Post # 12
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • V
  • 10 years ago

Oh, I see how firing her is technically out of the question… unfortunately, it seems that married life has warped her personality….it happened with one of my friends…after she got married suddenly she had the best ideas, she was the more mature one, she was number one…because she was now married an "knew" better…maybe that is the case with your friend…she thinks she knows better and you and your FH know "nothing" and how dare you ignore the things she says…and dare you believe you could be better than her and her husband…

 like I said…warped!

 Good luck, if you wanna have a good time you will have to ignore her…you can still demote her or have your mom do it for you…is not pleasant but it could still be done…*hugs* 

Post # 13
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Oh, Knudsenwedding, I’m so sorry!  Your Maid/Matron of Honor sounds mentally ill, if you want the brutal truth.  I had a much much less extreme version of this happen to me, with one of my best friends inexplicably acting really inappropriately.  SHe was going to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man but now is not invited, and I haven’t spoken to her since I told her I was engaged.

I was lucky that my falling out happened before wedding planning even really got started, and it sucks that you’re only 2 weeks out, but I strenuously second (or third??) the other Bees’ opinions that you DO NOT have to keep her in the wedding.  Her behavior is absolutely unacceptable.  She IS NOT behaving like a friend.  You don’t have to forbid her to go to the Bahamas, but you don’t have to allow her at the wedding.  Please try not to feel guilty about this–you have been a good friend to her, when you were her Maid/Matron of Honor, and she is slandering you (the bridezilla comments) and trying to create dissention between you and your FI–not acceptable at all.  You have every right to surround yourself with people who love and support you, and your Maid/Matron of Honor is one of the most important people on your wedding day!

Think about it this way: which would you regret more, allowing her to remain in the wedding and probably ruin the day, or firing someone who has proven not to be a true friend?  It may end the friendship, but if so it would be HER doing, not yours.

The best of luck to you, please keep us posted on how this turns out!

Post # 14
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

Firing her would be sooo bad, especially since you have revealed that it is a destination wedding, and she is leaving this week. Unless you are ready to end the friendship forever….then by all means, fire away!Otherwise, before she puts ass to seat on any plane, call her and let her know to keep her mouth shut for the ENTIRE weekend. No negative comments accepted please. And remind her of the kind of Maid/Matron of Honor you were for her……

Post # 15
Member
2030 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I haven’t had any sort of negativity from my bridesmaids, but I did send them a little packet with my expectations. I included a paragraph about how I want them to "stand up" for our marriage, not just on our wedding day. I said I want them to keep our future marriage issues private if I come to them for advice, and to forgive my future husband when I forgive him, and to encourage us when we have trouble. The last thing I want is to have my friends discourage my marriage, so I’m very sorry that’s happening to you. Maybe you could tell your Maid/Matron of Honor what your expectations are, and that one of them is to be supportive of you!

Post # 16
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I had my ex-MOH do the same thing!!! She kept competing with me (she got engaged soon after me to a person she knew for a month. I seriously think it was just because I got engaged) and it just spiraled out of control. There were also ridiculously nasty comments, so I feel for you! It sucks that you can’t kick her out (that’s what I did), but at this point, I think you need to grin and bear it. I think it’s just too close to the wedding to confront her if you are leaving Thursday. What I would do is confront her after the wedding and tell her you didn’t appreciate her behavior in the process. See what she has to say, maybe it will go better than it did for me. Good luck!!!

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