(Closed) My MOH is driving me crazy!! (Super long)

posted 14 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 17
Member
17 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2008

My guess is that your friend may feel "threatened" by your FH and the fact that you’re marrying him. Marriage often changes the dynamic of friendships — particularly those between the married person and their non-married/commited friends. As the wedding gets closer, she may be thinking more and more that she’s going to "lose" you, and that she’s becoming less important to you. As her best friend, you know her best, so you know whether she’s prone to act petty or immature when things don’t go her way. Deep down, she may be happy for you, but on the surface, she may be totally sad for herself, and she’s letting it make her behave very badly.

Then again, she could just be a bad friend — the kind of person who is petty and jealous and who is catty to people. Maybe she likes being the center of attention, and she resents that you’re getting all the glory because she’s not the bride. 

My advice would be to have a heart to heart with her. I would say "Friend, I’ve noticed lately that you’ve seemed less than enthused about my upcoming wedding — sometimes to the point of being rather snarky and mean. This is really stressful and hurtful for me because, as my best friend, I love you dearly and I need your support and friendship now more than ever. I’m not really sure where the negativity is coming from, and my guess is that you don’t really mean it and maybe don’t even quite realize you’re doing it. I really don’t want to lose you as my best friend, but given the way things have been going recently, I’m not sure how our friendship can survive if this continues. I’d like to get this worked out, and I’d like to figure out what’s bothering you so much, because I really want you up there with me celebrating my marriage to FH, and I want us to continue to be close and supportive of one another even after the wedding is over. Is there anything that’s been on your mind that we should talk through?"

Keep the conversation less focused on pointing fingers at her and accusing her of being a bad friend or a rotten person. Obviously, you’ll need to point out the things she’s done wrong, even in a general way, but you can do it in a way that makes her feel less defensive. Try to frame it in terms of you (i.e. "I feel hurt when you make negative comments about my FH because I feel very confident about my decision to marry him, and I’m not quite sure why you now feel differently" as opposed to "you keep saying nasty things about my FH, and it’s pissing me off"). Make a sincere effort towards hearing her out and acknowledging her concerns and fears. It doesn’t mean you have to agree, but if you want to save the friendship you should listen and try to empathize. A little validation goes a long way too.

If she still reacts poorly even after your heart to heart, I’d seriously consider removing her from the bridal party — even if it’s done the night before (at that point, you can either keep her in because it’s "awkward" to ask her to step down, and have her ruin your day. Or eject her from the bridal party, and at least have some peace on your wedding day). You don’t have to be mean or catty about it.  Just tell her that given her behavior following your talk, it’s clear that she’s not comfortable supporting your marriage to your FH. As a result, you think it would be easier on both of you if she steps down as Maid/Matron of Honor (you can even tell her that one of the MOH’s key duties is supporting the bride and groom and helping to ensure a stressfree and happy wedding day, and that is seems as if she does not feel capable of doing this for you). If you feel comfortable doing so, you can tell her that you’d love to still have her at the wedding, if she chooses. Although, I’d also tell her that, as your friend, you would really appreciate it if she would keep her negative thoughts and comments to herself for the day so as not to upset any of your other friends or family.

Depending on how everything goes, after the wedding you may need to reevaluate whether this is someone you really want in your life — particularly as your best friend. Sometimes, people outgrow each other, and sometimes friendships just no longer work. If she can’t be happy for you, or at least "play nice" for one (very important) day, is that really someone you want to stay friends with? I sure wouldn’t. There are lots of nice, supportive people out there who I’m sure would love to be a better friend to you than she is being.

Post # 18
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2008

Since your wedding is so close and you don’t want to start tension now or be upset for your big day I would say something realy brief to her like "I’ve been sensing some negativity from you regarding the wedding and my FI- Did he or I do something to you that upset you?" or to be more direct "you’ve been acting mean lately and I want to have all my friends there to support me, especialy you"

I would have the longer, more tension filled confrontation after the wedding. Her behavior is out of line- at first when I read the post quickly I though your mom was frustrating you- but from what you have said you Maid/Matron of Honor is stepping way over the boundaries of friendship. She can tell you how she feels (but at your bachelorette party?? she has had some serious lapses of judgment). 

Post # 19
Member
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I vote for you to fire her, it’s not as if she doens’t know what she is doing – it’s happening too often for her not to know. I woulnd’t even give her a chance just say "Look, I’m sorry but you’ve obviously got something against this wedding, and thats not the kind of person I want in my wedding"

You’ve paid for everything, so she’s not out any money…just boot her. 

Post # 20
Member
1485 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Well, I see how after she’s bought her plane ticket it’s much harder than if you were getting married locally.  I think you need to have a serious talk with her and let her know this really can’t continue.  Or maybe you can write her a long letter that she can read on the plane, and have the talk after you both get there.  She may not realize how she is coming across – or she may be one of those people who is so unhappy with her own situation that she just wants you to be unhappy too.  Still, comparing your Fiance to a serial killer is clearly not appropriate.  You can certainly tell her that things have gotten so bad that if they can’t change quickly you would prefer her to just be there as a guest.  That way she doesn’t waste the plane ticket, at least.  Honestly I can’t see how you are going to remain friends with her anyway, if her behavior doesn’t change.

You say that your mom has said something about this.  I wonder how the rest of your BMs feel?  Possibly you can ask them to help out – to let her know they also feel she’s behaving badly, and to even have them simply take her by the arm and walk her to the ladies room for a little talk if/when she says something inappropriate.  Peer pressure is a wonderful thing – and if it’s just you telling her she’s out of line, then maybe she can justify her behavior to herself somehow, but if its the whole group of girls that gets a lot harder. 

Post # 21
Member
222 posts
Helper bee
  • V
  • 14 years ago

I keep coming back to this post…is just so upsetting…I’ve read about MOHs who think they can do whatever they want…I’m currently my best friend’s Maid/Matron of Honor and luckily I’m not a psycho…not the bad kind anyway! :p

I support ANYTHING she wants to do is her day and I’m there to support her…even I thought she was making a mistake (which she isn’t, guy is great) I would hope to be there to pick up the pieces NOT to smash her hopes a dreams before her big day!

I know is a destination wedding and your "deadline" is thursday but if this is driving you nuts this is only going to intensify on the wedding day…is she being mean? is she gonna show up? is she gonna get drunk and insult people?…I mean you don’t want that…so have a small talk and set things a bit straight BEFORE she goes anywhere…hopefully she can get a refund or switch her tickets for something else.

Sorry, but truly if my bf had turn into a B*tch because I’m getting married she would be out of the honor position in a second… 

Post # 22
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2008

wow that’s so crazy! i would be upfront with her b/c those are really horrible things she’s saying to you and you don’t need that negative energy at all, honestly you don’t want to have regrets and this is something that will bother you all the time. it isn’t too late to let her know that you don’t want her as you Maid/Matron of Honor.  things happen n you shouldn’t let other people’s hang ups get in your way. it’s your day and she should think of you and your fiance day not about her issues.

Post # 24
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: December 1969

This is not something you should have to deal with right now.  I think you should wait until she makes another aggravating comment and just look her in the face and say "STOP."  Just tell her in the most serious tone you can, "Please stop saying things like that.  I can’t deal with whatever issues you may be having right now.  Just stop."  At this point where it’s so close to your wedding, who cares what she is going through.  She is acting like this probably because she wants it to be about her.  Don’t let her win.  Tell her to deal with whatever issues she has quietly and it can be about her after the wedding.  Right now, it needs to be about you. 

Post # 25
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: November 2021

Oh, knudson….  Girlie, you and I are in the SAME BOAT.

 My Maid/Matron of Honor & I have been "bff’s" for 11 years now and she’s shown her true, true colors with my wedding…  I’ve got a horror storIES of all my own, too (and some of your examples sound just like mine).  I feel your pain because at the end of the day, while you’re trying to focus on all that’s absolutely wonderful with your day, you’ll always have that crap that she’s pulling in the back of your mind – no bride should have to have a bitchy, self-serving diva in her bridal party at all, let alone be her Maid/Matron of Honor.

This is how I’m dealing with it –

1.) Once you read my #2 this will make more reasoning, but I’ve set a "Trip-Wire Level" – my draw the line.  I’ve already told her that she’s really let me down and I can see through her BS stories/excuses like glass (of course she could take no fault and it was allllllllllll aaaaabbbbbbooout her).  But if she crosses the line – for me, it’s if she dares to utter the words again that I’m "Lucky she can even come" (her billionaire boss is throwing her annual Memorial Day BBQ with all her society friends and my Maid/Matron of Honor is having to miss it this year b/c of my wedding, so she can’t hob-nob with the seriously rich and some famous) – I’m kicking her out of the wedding. And I don’t care if it’s the day of.  In regards to the wedding events (rehearsals, etc), I’ve told her when to be there and I don’t expect anything from her – the less she’s involved, the less she can f up.   

2.) After the wedding, my Maid/Matron of Honor is written off.  Seriously.  It sucks, but if she can’t be there for you on one of the biggest days of your life, then F her. 

….and side note:  HOW did I just find this board today?!?!?  This place is GREAT!! 😀

 

Post # 26
Member
228 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

I agree with Cissy’s #1 and most of the PP’s

Just tell her she needs to STOP. Period. My mother (believe me I know weird) was getting totally annoying and pissing me off right before the wedding and two days before, I just told her to SHUT her mouth and STOP with the s*** comments because I was going to be going through it and that was it. If she had a problem with it, then she could come to the wedding and be there for me, or she could stay home. Either way, I would be going through with it. She didn’t have to be there. She didn’t have a say.

You just have to do it. Don’t let her take over the conversation. Don’t let her make excuses. Don’t let it be about her. Just say your piece and leave it at that.

Good luck!

Post # 27
Member
1485 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I know that the last thing you want right at this moment is more unpleasantness.  But I think you would be surprised at how she would react if you just get kick-ass about it, and tell her where to get off.  That her options are to stop with the negative comments and be supportive, and there will be no more talking about it.  A lot of people will go just as far as you let them – and you have really let her go too far – but often people are so surprised at being slapped upside the head and told to straighten up that they actually do.  The one thing that you can be sure of, I would think, is that if you do nothing, the situation won’t change, and may get worse.  By letting her continue this way, you are sending a message that it’s acceptable in some weird way.  Have you ever seen The Dog Whisperer?  You don’t have to be aggressive, just dominant.  Really dominant.

And seriously, where is this going to go?  She acts the same way, says something that insults your Fiance and/or his family, you’re even more upset, and on your wedding day.  I’m not quite sure how you’re planning on remaining friends with her now – are you expecting her just to mysteriously change and really love your Fiance once he is your husband?  Maybe there is something going on in her life – it does not justify her behavior, and it does not mean you have to accept it or put up with it.  I think you will actually feel a lot better having stood up for yourself, regardless of the outcome.

Post # 28
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Well like everyone else said you’re at the point of no return, but you have other BM’s to help you out! Tell them the situation and have them be a buffer for you. I would wait until after the wedding to confront her because you don’t want Sh*t to hit the fan either hours before the wedding. Seeing as how your friend isn’t the same friend prior to your engagement it will more than likely get awkward! Utilize the other BM’s and have them confront her about her attitude if it gets out of hand. They’ll stick up for you!

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