(Closed) My MOH is terrible to me.

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Am I at liberty to change my MOH considering the circumstances here?
    Yes : (91 votes)
    83 %
    No : (18 votes)
    17 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    150 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    How awful! If it’s a concern, I think your family would judge you if you excluded her from the bridal party completely – but if you’re not close then why should she be your maid of honor? I would explain to her that I get the impression she’s not interesed in the whole wedding thing, and maybe she’d be more comfortable as a bridesmaid? Perhaps play up how much work it is to be the maid of honor and you understand if she doesn’t have the time or interest. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    11271 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2012

    @Zellywelly:  you should have trusted your gut and not asked her.  i think your parents should know how your sister makes you feel.  that way, if she is not part of the wedding, they will understand.

    perhaps your sister is feeling a bit jealous of your engagement/wedding. 

    your wedding is nearly 2 years away.  let some time pass, a year or so, and then maybe discuss the moh duties with her.  see how she reacts and feels at that point. you really don’t need her there for your dress selection, venue selection, etc.

    Post # 7
    Member
    290 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    @Zellywelly:  It’s still ealry on in the engagement to stress about changing plans too much.  Although she is your sister,if you go to your parents (you say they might be disappointed) and explain to them the situation in where you feel more comfortable choosing so and so or that way they aren’t so shocked.  Then you can talk to your sister, tell her that it’s alot of responsibilities and your not sure she’s the right person to fill that position.  I wouldn’t want to jeopardize my wedding day due to someone elses actions.  Just my opinion.  Good luck!

    Post # 8
    Member
    313 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2005

    You have a right to choose whom you want as your Maid/Matron of Honor, have you thought about having two?  My sister did, I and her best friends since forever where her maids of honor and it worked out very well!

    Post # 10
    Member
    145 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Ok  I agree that she shouldn’t be your maid of honour. But what bothers me about your post is that you say you have known what she is like for 13 years and yet you asked her anyway? Even if you felt obligated because of family, you made the decision to make her MoH and are now deciding to UN MoH her because of reasons that existed before. 

     

    It just seems a little insensitive on your part when there was really no reason for the drama in the first place. Your dad’s reaction kind of shows if you had actually talked to him about how you felt before you appointed her, he would have been supportive of you NOT having her in the bridal party, but you went ahead and asked her before speaking to anyone, so it was really only you who made that choice.

     

    I don’t feel you should have anyone who doesn’t support you in your bridal party, but “hiring” her and then “dumping” her, when you never had to “hire” her at all will just cause more problems in the long run and make your relationship even worse.

     

    i’m sorry if it seems insensitive but I don’t think you’ve made the situation any better.

    Post # 11
    Member
    5001 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I didn’t even read it all, but I voted “no” because your wedding is almost 2 years away, your Maid/Matron of Honor is your sister, and I don’t think anyone should ever fire a MOH/bridesmaid. Sorry!!

    Post # 12
    Member
    269 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: February 2013

    Your sister sounds like my sister, and my situation is similar: my sister is only one of the BMs but Fiance actually got to the point where he asked me to kick her out because she’s so abusive all the time off-and-on and has very strange mood swings and often, unfortunately, takes it out on me. She’s also done all the things you had on your list so you’re not alone! Why can’t we all have those sisters you see on tv? lol.

    What I’m doing (even though I’ve thought about sacking her twice since wedding planning because she’s upset me so much): keeping sister as Bridesmaid or Best Man (or MOH), not asking her to do anything but suggesting she can help and let her do her own thing. Everytime she says something snarky or nasty, I just ignore it or walk away (what my dad said to do!). You’ll be the bigger person for keeping her in the wedding party and honoring your sister, and don’t worry: people notice who the negative one is in the relationship. Ask your Bridesmaid or Best Man to write a speach too, or even ask her to do one together with your sister so she can watch the content. If you ever need to talk, PM me anytime!

    Post # 13
    Member
    1572 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I went through a similar situation to this in a friends wedding last summer. I was formerly friends with both the bride and her sister, but the sister decided to end our friendship because her sister asked me to be Maid/Matron of Honor instead of her.

    The bride’s family then told her that they would not help pay for any part of the wedding if she followed through on me being her Maid/Matron of Honor.

    The bride and her sister have not had a good relationship for as long as I can remember. They can’t spend more than an hour in the same room without being at eachother’s throat, screaming and fighting. However, since she was counting on the contribution from her parents, she asked me to be a bridesmaid, and instead gave the role to her sister.

    I was fine with this, but it actually turned out I was expected to do everything that the Maid/Matron of Honor does, without the title. I had no problem helping out as much as I could, to make her life easy, it just sucked that I had been denied the title when I was the one doing all the assisting. Her sister did absolutely nothing to help plan or prepare for the wedding. When it came to bridesmaid dress fittings, she had a fit because the bride wanted hot pink dresses. She wanted to wear a black dress with just a pink sash because she felt fat in the pink dress, and literally threw a fit when the bride held her ground and said no.

    The bride lives 5 hours away from me, and I visited numerous weekends to help her make decorations, arrange flowers, etc. The only thing her sister helped with was to make her own bouquet the night before the wedding.

    During the brides speech, she did not thank her sister, only me, which caused more resentment from the sister and her mother towards me…

    I say, pick a Maid/Matron of Honor who you know will be there to support you, and do anything you need her to do in the planning of your special day. Do not pick one simply because tradition says it should be the sister, or your family thinks its right. It’s YOUR DAY, and you want it to go as easily as possible. The last thing you and your hubby to be need is someone ruining that day for you.

    Post # 14
    Member
    88 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    @Zellywelly:  maybe you could set a bit of distance? It sounds saddening, but perhaps discuss fewer things with her about your wedding. Just have her show up at the wedding and the important events related to your wedding.

    Your other bridesmaids (who truly care about you) can pick up the slack I’m sure. Especially if you have a heart to heart with them about what’s going on.

    There’s enough stress with wedding planning that you don’t need to deal with this.

    Post # 15
    Member
    846 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    you could always just skip having a designated maid of honor, and make them all bridesmaids. that’s what i did because i couldn’t choose! i don’t think you should “fire” her completely though.

    Post # 16
    Member
    153 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    So sorry you’re going through this. I don’t really know what to suggest with regards to dealing with the fallout if you tell her you no longer want her to be Maid/Matron of Honor. Seems like you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t, but hey this is YOUR wedding, YOUR special day, and you don’t need this kind of treatment from anyone, let alone your sister!

    I am just surprised that given your history, you even chose her at all. Were you hoping  that one day she’d change?

    Just so you know, I fully understand this situation, I have 2 younger sisters who treat me the same way, they gang up together plus get some of their friends involved too. They made my life an absolute misery about my engagement/marriage. In fact they would barely say anything unless it was something nasty, they were completely cold, non excited and uninvolved themelves. It still hurts, I am in the process of having to face the fact I am left with no choice but to cut them out for good as they’re unlikely to ever change. They’re cut from the same cloth as my other toxic family members.

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