(Closed) My MOH isn't having me in her wedding

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@ffterwifey:  

 

If that’s how she is then she was never really a friend. Cut her off, I’ve had childhood friends like that and I have cut them all off. It hurt at first but it hurt way more knowing that I valued their friendship more than they valued mine.

Post # 33
Member
766 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m so sorry you’re hurt. That sucks, no getting around that. However, what it sounds like to me is that she’s trying to make you feel included in the wedding by asking you to do her makeup and play the piano. If you can, try to take these requests in the spirit with which they were intended. I understand it may be difficult and I wouldn’t suggest doing it if you don’t think you can without feeling resentful about it. If I were in your friend’s place, I would have had an honest conversation with you before asking anything of you, but it doesn’t sound like she addressed the issue directly, so if you’re going to accept her request, I would let her know how you feel first. Good luck!

Post # 34
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m going to give Lauren the benefit of the doubt and say that maybe she didn’t want you in the bridal party because she specifically thought about you for make up and to play the piano before she picked people. I know a girl who didn’t ask one of her closest friends to be in her wedding party because she loved her photography so much that she couldn’t choose another photographer over the friend. If it really hurts you, and you guys are friends you should just say something to her. Maybe she will be able to clear things up, and hopefully you can play piano and do make up. You will still be there on her special day that way, and maybe she considers those “jobs” to be just as honorable as standing up as a bridesmaid.

Post # 35
Member
522 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I think that you’re right to try to talk to her about this — if you’ve been friends for a long time, you should be able to be honest with her.

Maybe she has a good reason for not asking you to be a bridesmaid.  You talked about losing 2 pregnancies — is it possible she’s nervous that you wouldn’t want to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man while pregnant?  You had financial difficulties — was she afraid you couldn’t afford a dress?  Etc.  I think she should have discussed this with you first, but maybe there’s a reason why she’s acting this way.

But from what you’re saying, it sounds like she’s just not a very good friend.  You are TOTALLY justified in feeling bad about this.  Feel sad, regret the friendship lost, and then move on.  (And don’t do her makeup or play piano.  Not because you’re bitter about not being a bridesmaid, but because it’s your business to do those things and you aren’t obligated to hand them out for free.)  Good luck and keep us updated on whether she responds to your FB message.

Post # 36
Member
1668 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Church

@ffterwifey:  I think that if she had been honest with you in the first place then you would not feel the way you do. She should have been upfront and told you “hey, I am so glad that you are excited about my wedding, I have chosen [names] to be my bridesmaids. I really love the work that you do and would love it if you would play the piano and makeup, if you are interested!”. She made it look like she lied to you, even if maybe she had changed her mind in what she had chosen to do (it is possible). However, what is done is done. I totally get how you are feeling. I think that what you have to decide is if you feel comfortable with doing the makeup and other vendor services. Decide if you want to charge her a friend rate, your usual rate, or gift it for her. Decide if you would be able to do the job she is asking you to do if you were to be still emotional about this when her wedding comes along … I personally feel that she is being very presumptuous and sounds like she does not really realize the way she is coming across (I used to knowsomeone who was like that). Good luck 🙂

Post # 37
Member
489 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@ffterwifey:  I think it’s fully fair to both accept the makeup artist/piano playing roles AND tell her how hurt you are about not being in her bridal party without it being a giant blowup.

I don’t know about you but bc I talked about it in a thread earlier today…I do have two BMs in the mix who I knew even before asking that if anyone was going to cause any kind of drama whatsoever that it would be those two (one sister, one former roomie). To know them is to love them but they’re high maintenance! Frankly we prob get along bc I’m super easygoing so the divaness rolls off me, haha.

But, literally about a week ago I had to have a minor “talking to” about wedding stuff with former roomie Bridesmaid or Best Man & pretty much just phrased it as “I’m disappointed” and didn’t get emotional while I said my piece. She understood & apologized. If you think you can have an even-keeled conversation, I say go for it. Lied to is a good reason to feel hurt and disappointed, that’s not crazy by any stretch of the imagination. Getting it out in the open (and soon) is way better than either refusing to participate in a special friend’s wedding or trying to be the “cool girl” & going along with things while really being sub-surface angry for however many months until she gets married.

Post # 38
Member
1149 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@ffterwifey:  Usually i’m of the opinion that someone should be able to choose whoever they want to be in their bridal party and no one should question it.. however I can totally see why you’re hurt. Like you said, if she really did just want to keep it small it that’s fine but the fact that she told you that and then asked others is a bit harsh.

She may be asking you to do her make-up/play piano to have you included as more than a guest but if you don’t feel comfortable about it, just be honest and say you’d rather just be a guest (just don’t let it blow up in to something big if you can).

Hopefully her intentions are good (as you’d be aware, planning a wedding is stressful and as i’ve experienced, trying to include everyone is really hard!) But that said, I was VERY careful not to say anything to anyone about their role until we were 100% sure what we were doing.

Post # 39
Member
472 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@ffterwifey:  So I’ve been a bridesmaid or a Maid/Matron of Honor seven times. And not everyone I care about has been married yet, either.

So now that I’m getting married, it was pretty much inevitable that some people who I love wouldn’t be in the bridal party, because having 14 bridesmaids at a 90-guest wedding is ridiculous.

We ultimately scaled down our wedding to the point that only two of my friends are even coming, and I’m not asking them to wear anything specific and I don’t know yet if they’ll stand up with me (we haven’t planned the logistics of the ceremony yet). So that took a weight off me. But until we made that decision, I literally stressed about this issue for weeks- who would be least hurt by not being included in the bridal party? I was leaning in the direction of not asking some of the friends who already had moved on to marriage and/or parenthood, even though I had been in some of their weddings. I know they would be touched to be asked, but I thought the actual obligation might be a burden, and I think wedding planning is probably less fun and exciting when you’ve already planned your own.

You can look at her requests for you to help with makeup or music as a usery thing, and you know her and we don’t- maybe that’s something she’s capable of. But it might also be a real attempt to include you and make the wedding a more intimate activity among friends. And maybe she was bold-faced lying to you in the first conversation but maybe she really did intend only to have three bridesmaids and plans changed- they do.

Planning a wedding is an emotionally fraught logistical challenge and not everyone rises to every moment of the occasion with perfect grace. If you still value this friendship and want to stay close, I would agree to participate in the wedding planning in the ways she has asked. As a makeup artist and/or a musician you’ll be there for all the same activities the bridesmaids will- planning, rehearsal, ceremony, but with less stress and expense on you. She may even have thought she was doing you a kindness by asking you to do these things rather than be in the wedding party.

These boards are full of people advising stressed brides to remember that this is, ultimately, their wedding and not really about the guests, the bridal party, or even the family. This is advice is true, and yet following it does sometimes result in hurt feelings for people other than the couple. If you really think this was intended as a slight, take it as such, but it will probably heal your hurt a little to try to think of it from a more generous understanding of all the factors your friend is likely having to take in to consideration while she plans.

 

Post # 40
Member
68 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@cmbr:  BOOM – This. 

It’s not an ‘honour’ to give your services for free to another person.  Yes, being a Bridesmaid or Best Man, etc is an honour – but free labour is not an honour.  I would skip on doing the makeup and piano playing for her – maybe you can play one song or something as a gesture?  I might have missed something and she is intended to pay you – but from your description of things, that’s not what I’m hearing.  Sure, if you want to give your services as your wedding gift, that sounds great.  

I’m sorry that she didn’t ask you to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man and I’m sure it hurts a lot.  I think her asking you to do services for her for free is just rubbing salt in the wound.  If you don’t feel like doing it, just let her know that you would feel uncomfortable and that you would love to attend her wedding as a guest, if she’ll have you!  I guess you have to also decide if you want this friendship to change, because it sounds like it will/already is – if you decline her ‘offer’ to do the services, I’m sure it will change even more, unfortunately.

Stick to your guns OP and good luck with whatever you decide! 🙂

 

Post # 41
Member
679 posts
Busy bee

That really sucks. Let us know how it goes. 

Post # 43
Member
3064 posts
Sugar bee

Providing there haven’t been previous similar hurts, couldn’t you just do the make-up, play the piano, and celebrate the wedding?

My parents ended up with no friends but a strong sense of moral righteousness because they would get annoyed that after they had done something for friends and relations, the friends or relations did not immediately reciprocate in an equal fashion.  This could be in terms of whose turn it was to ring someone up or whose turn it was to invite the others over for dinner, or the size and value of Christmas and birthday presents or invitations to a wedding, or really anything at all.

The question is do you love your friend?  Are you truly happy that she is getting married.

If so, swallow the hurt, and simply be a helpful and joyous guest at the wedding.  You don’t need to be a bridesmaid to do this.  You just need to be a good friend.

The bride trusts you enough to let you do her make-up.  The bride trusts you enough to ask you to play the piano.  Bridesmaids just have to stand passively in brightly coloured dresses.  You are part of the success of the day.  Your role is much more active.

Ring your friend up, apologize and just enjoy the day.   

Post # 44
Member
784 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@ffterwifey:  I would straight up tell her I was hurt that she didn’t tell me the whole truth.  And whether you do make up or piano, that’s up to you, but only do what you would feel comfortable doing as an actual gift to her (without the pressure).

@MrsMeowton: I would feel pretty hurt if someone excluded me from their wedding party so I could be a vendor.  They’re no equivalent, and you should give her the choice.

Post # 45
Member
3680 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@Supersleuth:  What if the bride trusted her enough to do the catering? Or serve the food at the reception? Or sew her wedding dress from scratch? Should she agree to do all of those things free of charge? I don’t think the OP has anything to apologize for here. Her friend is asking her to be a vendor for her wedding, free of charge. I think telling her that in order to be a good friend she has to do whatever the bride asks is pretty silly.

Post # 46
Member
804 posts
Busy bee

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@ffterwifey:  You’re a better person than me! I can see why you’re hurt, and I hope she at least replies to you. Of course she can choose who to have in her bridal party, but the fact that she lied to you and then is apparantly ‘honoring’ you by allowing you to do important jobs for her for free…uh, no thank you! I would see it as a massive slap in the face – it’s not like people can’t be bridesmaids AND do makeup!

On continuing the friendship after the wedding: I was hurt by a friend who clearly didn’t consider our relationship as important as I did, but I didn’t want to end the friendship because we still got on. Since then, we sometimes hang out in a group setting and it’s much better as we still get on when we see each other, but I don’t get hung up on anything anymore!

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