(Closed) My MOH isn't having me in her wedding

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
514 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Stevens Estate

This friend of yours dosn’t sound like a true friend. If she were a true friend…she would of taken your feelings into accountability. Even if she didn’t want you in the bridal party..she could of at least offered you an honest explanation, not lie and pretend that you wouldn’t notice. You have every right to be hurt. And then to have the nerve to ask you to work at her wedding is beyond me. I’m sorry, but doing make up and playing music are two things that brides pay vendors for, and I’m sure it’s not for cheap! I wouldn’t consider doing those things for free an honor. 

I know how you feel though. I had a friend who recently got married and she didn’t have me in her bridal party. I have known this girl since we were 4! We were inseparable when we were teenagers. As we got older we didn’t hang out as much..but still saw each other occasionally. I pretty much considered her family. So when she got engaged I just assumed she would ask me to be a bridesmaid. But nope, never did. And this girl had like 10 bridesmaids! I was like wtf!?!? Obviously I didn’t know her as I thought I did. And I was pretty hurt, even my mom thought it was weird. 

I hope you come to some sort of resolution with this girl. But honestly, she sounds like a shitty friend. Dont settle for crappy friends just to keep the peace or what have you. You should have friends who are worth the time and effort that you put into the relationship.



Post # 48
3064 posts
Sugar bee

Look, you have asked our advice but we can only give advice on what you tell us.


I’m giving you the other point of view because it’s a bit sad if you lose a long-standing friend who you are very fond of because you have taken the advice of people on Weddingbee who do not know either of you.  I have no particular point of view to defend and I do feel sympathy for you.


My thoughts on this matter are as follows:


It would have been better if she had been honest about you not being a bridesmaid rather than leaving you to find out on Facebook.  That is certainly something to discuss with her.  For the rest just be clear about what you want.


Do you still want to be friends?  If so, then you are going to have to be pleasant and celebratory.  Do you want to punish her?  Then get ready for a shouting match and maybe no friendship at the end of it.  Do you want a better friendship at the end of the discussion?  Then be firm and honest but kind and thoughtful.


If you feel that she is using you and if this is definitely part of a bigger pattern of behaviour then you have some cause for grievance.  You need to talk to her about not only the hurt from the choice of bridesmaids but the other hurts you have experienced.  Then you need to be clear that being used is unacceptable.


If you feel that she should have been honest and straightforward, rather than avoiding the embarrassment of telling you that she already chosen bridesmaids and had not chosen you, then you must ask her why she didn’t tell you this straight away.  Once you have done this then get on and help with her wedding but be clear that you would rather have honesty plus confrontation rather than a lack of honesty and a lack of confrontation.  [Avoiding confrontation and embarrassment is a bit cowardly but often goes back to childhood where children are actively discouraged from facing such things.  It’s a bad defence mechanism and one she needs to discard.)


If you are simply hurt that she hasn’t reciprocated in a like manner and you view this reciprocation as a measure of your friendship then you must talk to her about how you feel and also how she feels.  You can’t be her bridesmaid now because you will never know whether you have forced her into that decision.  She may herself have been forced to choose other people through family pressures.  It may be that she has lots of friends and couldn’t choose them all. It may be that you value her more than she values you.  You won’t know until you talk.


If you feel that you are happy to do the make-up and music but need her to share the costs or pay for it all or recompense you for lost earnings then you must say this to her in a straightforward manner as a business transaction without too much emotion attached. 


If you are not happy to do the make-up and music  (perhaps you have work to do right up to the wedding or perhaps you would find it difficult to have to put makeup on the bridesmaids) then let her know as soon as possible so that she can make other arrangements.


If you just want to punish her then I don’t really have any advice to give except to warn that punishments often hurt the punisher as much as the punished.


If in your heart of hearts you know that she is a fair weather friend who is no help in times of trouble then be pleasant, go to the wedding if you wish, but start to emotionally disentangle yourself.  Perhaps it’s for the best that she hasn’t chosen you to be her bridesmaid.  It makes the disentangling a little easier.  Then actively look for new, truer friends.  (This situation happens sometimes and it is no fault of yours.  You have been through rough times and you deserve to be treated well.)


I do hope that you manage to sort things out amicably to everyone’s satisfaction. 


And just in case any of you all are wondering after previous comments, I do not have a tendency towards saying anything silly.  🙂


Good luck.
















Post # 49
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

If you don’t hear from her in a reasonable amount of time I would fire off a new message about trying to get a hold of her. Heck, call her up and speak to her over the phone. I would keep it nice and simple by explaining that you feel she wasn’t being honest when she first spoke to you, that you expected you’d be in the wedding party and that you are rather insulted by doing this stuff for free as if you were just the help.

If she hasn’t messaged back I’d assume she knows exactly why you want to talk to her and will just want to avoid the confrontation for as long as possible. 

I would decline her offer and just tell her you want to go as a guest, it is a lot to expect you to be busy the entire time playing the piano (for free) and not be able to enjoy the wedding as a guest like the bridesmaids will be able to do. 

Post # 50
1489 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

View original reply
@ffterwifey:  You are a better person than me!  If my Maid/Matron of Honor went the route of telling me her bridal party was just family, and then I heard through the grapevine that it now included mutual friends….and THEN she had the nerve to ask me to do vendor services for her for free….there would be NO gifting of services for her wedding. NONE.  I think I would even turn down a paying job(s) for her wedding tbh…too much emotionally charged bs going on. I know that sounds harsh, but doing makeup is not like providing the flowers…you have to be there with the bride and all her bridesmaids, having them around you…its like salt in the wound.  I wouldn’t be able to do that.   

 You have every reason to be hurt in this situation, and I’m sorry you are going through this.  🙁  

Post # 51
561 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I think gifting her with the makeup is a nice gesture of friendship.  Nothing else.  But I would really want to talk to her about this, since you felt you were close enough to make her your Maid/Matron of Honor.  Just be honest and lay it out there.  see what she says.  if her answer is unsatisfactory, no reason to spend much time with her after the wedding.  The makeup can be a parting gift.  let her know someone else will have to do the piano – you’re out of practice (or just not up to it. :))

Post # 52
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@ffterwifey:  She seems selfish.  🙁  Im sorry.  I would feel just like you. 

Post # 53
310 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Yep I’d move on from this friendship!  her loss.

Post # 54
1632 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Lying to you was not cool. I must admit I am alot like Lauren and do not handle other people’s stress and would have likely been a bad unsupportivr friend too. 

I’d reply with the prices you charge clients for your make up services- maybe give her a discount. Then,  I would ask her a bunch of questions about logistics and treat her how you would any other client.

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