Post # 137
@deetroitwhat: I reject the notion that I shouldn’t have asked for opinions if I’m not going to be totally swayed by what strangers say on the Internet. If you’ll notice, a lot of the things that other Bees have said has changed the way that I am thinking about things, and I am commenting when I can and replying to posts that genuinely make me think, and engaging Bees who seem to understand the complexity of the situation.
Being honest about where someone is in life is not equal to talking badly about them. I can love people IN SPITE of their flaws, but I won’t turn a blind eye to them. It seems we have different views of what “love” is.
Post # 138
@RunnerBride13: Right. I’m super Type A so wedding planning will continue, but the biggest thing I’ve gotten from all of your responses is; I have time to figure this out.
Post # 139
@Cornflakegirl: Thank you for understanding and offering helpful advice. I definitely won’t be tryign to push her into wedding talk, at all. And I ‘ve decided to stop thinking about what I will do about her role in the wedding and deal with that once the dust settles, and hopefully; my emotions cool.
I’ve mentioned it elsewhere, but there ale a bajillion posts, so it’s worth repeating. None of my other bridesmaids are in a position to “cover for her”; but that’s not a big deal at all. 2 bridesmaids are out of town, one is pregnant, and one is dealing with serious health issues. I don’t need a bridal shower or bachelorette party.; at all. I’m just saying, it wouldn’t be possible for me to just let her “be” the Maid/Matron of Honor and let someone else do the work, bc there isn’t anyone else to do them.
Her being sick and needing to focus on other things means that there won’t be a Bachelorette or Shower, and I’m A-OK with that. My concern is; if she retains the title, she will try to throw one, and she needs to be allocating her resources differently right now. And even though my wedding isn’t until May, my conscience wouldn’t allow me to TAKE anything from her right now.
Post # 140
Support is important, but there are reasonable limitations to everything. if a person’s willing to change and help themselves then it’s important for them to have a strong supportive network. However, some people continue to self-destruct, and at a certain point you have to let them go and take care of yourself. That may sound selfish, but it can be really unhealthy to take on another person’s chaos. If someone’s stuck in a self-destructive spiral, the only thing that can change it will come from within.
THANK YOU. And yes, people are harsh; but I’m trying to be understanding, because they HONESTLY have no idea what they’d do because they’re NOT in my situation. I’m talking to her now to determine whether she is willing to change and is committed to that. I’ll update you on the results.
Post # 141
@ZebraPrintMe: As someone who works in the field…let me just say that you are quite wrong in your assertion that “That doesn’t seem like a serious suicide attempt to me – when people actually kill themselves, they usually do all they can to make sure nobody finds out.”
That may be your personal opinion, and that’s fine, but it’s actually not a fact.
Post # 142
@MrsPanda99: +1 to the first answer. Perfectly stated.
Post # 143
@stuckinwonderland: While we were trying to get her to a hospital and get help, she was fighting everyone in the house (my Fiance, our friend, her Mom, her brother, and ultimately, the cops). She scratched and fought against me to get to a bottle of vodka. I feel like she has substance abuse problems; and outside of her suicide attempt, her behavior on this day was erratic. Additionally, on this day, she advised me that she stole money from her Mother. If you’ll steal from your Mother, you’ll DEFINITELY steal from me. I don’t feel safe around her right now. I hope I explained that better so you can understand.
Post # 144
@JenniferMm: As someone who works in the field, what’s your take on the “going to your empty house to die” aspect of this?
Thanks for commenting. Any professional opinion on the situation, or what my actions should be, moving forward would be helpful. it’s always nice to get the clinical perspective.
Post # 145
@HisQueen2Be: Yes, I think out views definitely are different on love AND friendship. Please keep us updated on your friend.
Post # 146
@HisQueen2Be: I understand that wedding planning will continue for you, but I would not concern her with it for a while. All you should ask of her is to show up and wear the dress. Hopefully in 9 months she will be able to do that!
Post # 147
@HisQueen2Be: ” And yes, people are harsh; but I’m trying to be understanding, because they HONESTLY have no idea what they’d do because they’re NOT in my situation.
Read more: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/my-moh-tried-to-kill-herself-what-do-i-do/page/4#ixzz2eV5y6cxc“
I have been in your situation with the same person multiple times and I can tell you that immeadiately following these instances I wasn’t even thinking about my wedding. I definitely did not completely ignore her .I was thinking about my sister-getting her safe, and helping her get better. I know there are others in this post who have also been in similar situations, unfortunately you are not the only one who has gone through something like this. I am really thinking about your friend and hoping she has the strength to get through this.
Post # 148
She was feeling suicidal, not homicidal. Why don’t you feel safe? She hurt herself, not you. Her destructive feelings are channeled towards herself.
Don’t make her feel like a freak. You, and others, are talking about her like she is a freak. Even if she did this for attention, if someone is willing to go to that length for attention, then they NEED it. The lack of job, the potsmoking – they aren’t the cause of her issues – they are symptoms. We’re also not all at the same place in life, and that is okay.
It’s very simple. Keep her MoH. Ask her if she still feels up to it – just like you would if she were in the hospital for something else.
Why do you and your Fiance feel differently about her? She’s the same person. I guess I really don’t understand your perspective at all, and yes, I have been in this situation.
My best friend slit her wrists. She called me to come over, but she didn’t tell me what she was doing. I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t know what. I headed to her house ( it wouldn’t have mattered to me if she did it at my house ), and I got there in time to see her come out on a stretcher absolutely covered with blood. Her parents were home and realized something was wrong when her door was locked, and there was no response. I followed the ambulance all the way to the hospital even though I couldn’t actually visit her until she was checked into the mental hospital. I saw her; I brought her cigarettes; I picked her up.
I didn’t look at her any differently. We joked about the meds they put her on; we came up with funny stories for people who asked about the bandages. I certainly didn’t hold her at arm’s length, refuse to talk to her, feel traumatized, and decide to judge what was best for her – and coincidentally, myself. I didn’t treat her like she was a fragile piece of glass, either. I was there for her, but I treated her like I had before. She was still a person and not a child.
ETA: LOL @ “her behavior on this day was erratic”. Of course it was. It’s not usually a typical day of controlled behavior when someone decides to try out suicide.
Post # 149
@HisQueen2Be: Something very similar happened to my Fiance 7 weeks before our wedding. Hopefully she will be forced into intensive treatment like my Fiance was. I wouldn’t demote her because it may make her feel guilty, but I would definitely make sure the majority of her duties are delegated to other bridesmaids–maybe they could all host your shower or bachelorette party together. Yes, this is your wedding, but she is your best friend. Your loved ones should always take priority over your wedding. That was hard for me to do because I wanted my wedding to be absolutely perfect, but looking back, I am so glad I shifted my focus to my FI’s health. My shower and wedding were still wonderful!
Post # 150
I think it’s just frustrating for some of us because you claim to love this girl so much, but in her darkest hour, you seem to only focus on how her
attempted suicide affected you.
This just isn’t want good friends do and it does come across as selfish. No one is denying that it wasn’t a traumatic event or that you shouldn’t be angry or confused or upset. We’re just saying you shouldn’t abandon or ignore your friend. You asked what we thought, and some people think you aren’t being a very good friend. Sorry if that’s harsh, but I know I’d want someone to smack me upside my head if my priorities were out of whack and I wasn’t being the best friend I could be. You keep saying that we don’t know because we haven’t been there. And you’re right, we weren’t there and we aren’t you. But don’t think for a second some of us haven’t been in relatable situations.
Now, I get that you can only do so much when trying to help a friend. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. I’m glad you’re talking to your friend now to see how she’s doing and if she’s willing to get help. I won’t blame you if you decide you can no longer be friends with your Maid/Matron of Honor if she continues down her self-destructive path. But for right now, your friend really needs you and you should do your best to be there for her.
Post # 151
- Wedding: October 2013 - Vine Street Church
I’m never one to call this, but any mods who are here (or the OP), can you please update the topic to add a trigger warning? Even reading a few posts about this is upsetting me because I’m also mentally ill and have had my mom pull the ‘me, me, me’ thing after my breakdowns and suicide attempt that I’ve seen the OP going at here…