(Closed) My MOH tried to kill herself… what do I do?

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: What would you do?

    Be a supportive friend, let her stay the MOH

    Let her be a bridesmaid, just not MOH

    Take her out of the wedding altogether

    I have no idea. This sucks.

  • Post # 49
    1693 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    @HisQueen2Be:  her dependency on it does not change my mind. if anything, it makes me more adamant that she needs to quit smoking. i’m not saying that you should tell her that or do anything about it. she needs to see a doctor and that doc will tell her to her quit.

    Post # 50
    2056 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    @MrsPanda99:  Agreed, I also think it’s best for her to attend as a guest.

    I think you should let your anger cool down and try to discuss the situation with her.  Obviously you should try to support her as much as you can.

    I DEFINITELY think you have the right to feel violated and used.  I also think all these thoughs of “you can’t kick her out, that’ll just drive her deeper” are misguided.  It’s almost like blackmail.  I mean, if a girl was to tell a guy she would kill herself if he ever broke up with her, that’s blackmail for keeping him in the relationship.  It’s not healthy.

    I know this is a very different situation, but if you do run into something where she threatens something terrible will happen if she isn’t Maid/Matron of Honor, I think you have every right to turn her away (and then call her parents or the cops if necessary).

    Post # 51
    1218 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @HisQueen2Be:  I actually think that being in the role of Maid/Matron of Honor will help her. It sounds like she feels her life is very unfulfilling and by being able to contribute to your wedding may help her feel like she has purpose. I know you are worried about her and I am sorry you have this stress, but I think your best course right now is to not do anything. I would not demote her, but maybe let her help you with a few wedding things and see how she does. Adjust what you ask her to do by her reaction to those things. The last thing you want to do is to contribute to her feelings of unworthiness by telling her she can’t be your Maid/Matron of Honor. Good luck.

    Post # 52
    2670 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 1999

    @Apple_Blossom:  This girl didn’t try to kill herself just to be Maid/Matron of Honor in the OP’s wedding, she didn’t do it to manipulate her-she did it because she is mentally ill. Big difference with intentions here. No where did the OP say this girl has done anything besides be supportive and help plan wedding related events.



    Post # 53
    316 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    You should probably just talk to her, possibly in a safe, therapy-type environment. Trying to decide what would be best for her simply won’t work.

    I will assume you’ve never been suicidally depressed, but most of the things you feel come down to feeling totally helpless in your own life and like no matter what you do things will never change. “Knowing” that things will never change you start to feel apathy towards everything and performing tiny tasks seems like climbing Everest. You can look in your kitchen and see piles of dishes, know it’s dirty and still do anothing about it b/c cleaning would require effort and why bother when everything will just get dirty again? Now apply that dirty dishes scenario to your whole life. You could work hard in your job, but why bother when nothing will change? You’ll still be miserable.

    It is an insane illness, and it is very, very difficult to pull yourself out of it. As a friend, all you can do is be supportive and try to talk with her about it when she wants to talk. Listen and be sympathetic. I personally think her suicide attempt was a cry for help. She took pills, but she also contacted you and put herself at your house. She wanted to be found and she wanted to be saved.

    Just do what you can to help her and talk to her about what she thinks she can handle. She might think being Maid/Matron of Honor is too much right now, or she might be looking forward to having something to plan. You will never know until you ask.

    Post # 54
    4231 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I would not even be bringing it up until she is more stable. I would expect her to take on any responsibilities related to the wedding or anything else but getting better right now. 

    I’m so very sorry your friend is so gravely ill with this right now. 

    Post # 56
    1875 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @joya_aspera:  If my friend tried to kill herself, the last thing on my mind would be whether to demote her from her role at my wedding.

    I wouldn’t really be thinking about my wedding, but if anything, I’d want to go to extra lengths to make sure she knows she’s important to me and to other people. I would involve her more, not less, and (secretly) expect less from her, be happy with whatever she can offer, but definitely make her feel very involved. I would never want her to feel I’m rejecting her even a little bit because she’s suffering, like “go sort it out on your own.” The important message to tell someone who’s depressed is “I’m here. You matter. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”



    @HisQueen2Be:  Your wedding is in NINE months.  That is a long time.  I don’t think you should be worring about your wedding at all right now.  You need to focus on coming to terms with what happened and being there for your friend.  You can re-evalute in 3-4 months. 

    But honestly, I don’t think you should demote her.  I have a strong feeling that it would just make her feel even more like a failure.  Like, shit, she can’t get a boyfriend, she can’t get a good job, and now her best friend doesn’t even want her.  Sure, you might be doing it with good intentions, but that doesn’t mean that’s how she’ll see it.

    I guess I just don’t really understand why you wouldn’t still want her there.  Sure she might not be able to plan any parties, but I’m sure she’s still capable of wearing a dress, holding some flowers, and smiling for pictures.  Are you worried she’s going to create more drama or that you will be walking on egg shells around her?

    Post # 58
    2056 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    @ieatunicorns:  I didn’t say she did that, I’m just saying that there may be a possibility that it would escalate to that.  It might be a very slim possibility, but it’s still there.  Judging based on the OP’s other posts, this girl is not taking the situtation seriously.

    My post was a knee jerk reaction to the “You MUST keep her in the bridal party, or else you are a terrible friend” vibe I was picking up from other posts.  This wedding cannot be treated as the cure to the friend’s mental health.  If that is a side-effect of having her remain as Maid/Matron of Honor, great.  But that should not be the primary reason.

    Post # 60
    8700 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2013

    @HisQueen2Be:  My sister attempted suicide a few years ago–what she ended up needing wasn’t less going on in her life, she needed more.

    When she returned to school a few weeks later, she changed her schedue to pick up more honors classes and some technology classes. She wound up being amazing at that, and is now a student at RIT with TWO job offers waiting for her post-graduation in NYC!

    My point is, I would involve her more in your life–keep her in the bridal party if she wants to be there, and try to get her involved in things related to whatever her major in college was, if she’s still interested in persuing that.

    Post # 61
    4231 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @HisQueen2Be:  I think once you have had a chance to work through your feelings with how your experience with this effected you, it would be a good idea to check in with her just to say hi, if you intend to keep being friends. My brother was taken away at 17 and placed in a mental health facility for months. It was incredibly isolating. Having been someone with MDD and other issues most of my life, I can tell you that the condition in and of itself is very isolating. You shut down and don’t want others around. I don’t know if your friend is depressed or having some psychosis though. But if you’re ready and comfortable at some point, it’s okay to chat to her, talk to her. She’s still the same person underneath the manifestations of the disease. 

    But look after yourself first. Your friend is in the hand of professionals now and it’s not your job or responsibility to fix this. Just worry about yourself. 

    In regards to the weed stuff, many people who are mentally ill self medicate because they have no other means to cope. It’s not surprising she feels unable or has no desire to quit that right now. 

    I hope for the best for you and your friend. 

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