Post # 62
@Apple_Blossom: I agree that she shouldn’t be kept in just because of her situation right now. I just don’t think the two events at this point in time have anything to do with one another. THe wedding isn’t for how many months and this girl could be a completely different person by then (hopefully at least in a better place). They are friends and they both have things going on in their lives (one doing well and getting married and the other not do well, and reaching out for help) and should be there to support each other. Right now getting the friend help should be a primary focus and the wedding stuff can be dealt with later.
Post # 63
Add another that does not typically side with joya. I can’t help but feel bad for this girl & that you not only refuse to talk to her, but your immediate priority is her place in your wedding 9 months away. You said she’s not a productive member of society but she is good enough to have keys to your house and take care of your animals?
My best friend and I are in similar situations that our lives are very, very different now… But you better fking believe if she tried to kill herself in my house the LAST thing I would do is worry about me and my feelings. I would do anything to help her.
Post # 64
I’m very sorry you experienced the really ugly side if depression I can only imagine your angst. As others have mentioned you are quite likely traumatized and I think you should seek a therapist/councelor to share/sort your feelings including anger (very normal btw) for the time being though doher think about what you want to do in regards with her being a moh. I know it’s not fair and likely very stressful for you but it could also put her over the edge. ultimately she is in charge of her life but should something happen I think you’d also feel very guilty so wait until both of you have stabilized from the situation.
As angry as you are right now keep in mind you ate dealing with a sick person just like someone with schizophrenia is not responsible for their illness, depression is a physical chemical imbalance in the brain (sera ronin or dopamine can’t recall). She came to you because she knew you’d save her, ultimately she was hoping someone cared enough about her enough to save her. It’s a heavy burden no doubt but it shows she still believes that someone feels she is worth it and with help she might fully recover. Please don’t use her drug abuse as a cause but very likely one mechanism she tried to use to cope with her depression (a bad one u doubtedly). For her solutions right now aren’t obvious because she seems a world where she has absolutely no hope and nothing that shell ever do would change that outcome. If you choose to be there for her you may provide that link that she will keep fighting for because even when she doesn’t see it, someone else has hope for her
One thing I would ask the councelor/therapist is if it is a good idea to change locks. Your safety is paramount however if she had regular access to your home this sudden change could lead her to feel she is unwanted and further affect her. I am neither so I don’t know what is the best course of action.
Post # 65
@ieatunicorns: Totally agreed! Right now is not the time to worry about this as a current issue. Definitely agree with waiting to see what happens before taking action, but plan in the meantime for all possibilities.
Post # 66
@deetroitwhat: Hmmm. I appreciate your opinion. However, please keep in mind thisis an emotional situation for everyone involved. Frankly, the way you expressed your opinion hurt a bit.
Still, this is an online forum, and I don’t know you, so—non need to dwell on your poor choice of words.
To address what you said, she hasn’t been taking care of HERSELF since graudating from college. although holding down various part-time jobs, she’s been dependent on her Mother. She’s never done anything TO ME that made me question her mental health or responsibility, before THIS. Although yes, she is ill; I have to be a responsible adult; and it’s up to me to protect my 300K+ investment in my home, as well as the place where my fiance and I are building our home together. If you’ve never had 3 cop cars, a fire truck and an ambulance at your home because your best friend is fighting all the people who love her, you may not understand.
As another Bee pointed out, she has to take care of herself and her mental health, but I also have to take care of myself and mine.
Post # 67
So, this is how I see it right now. Correct me if I’m wrong.
Your friend is broken. She is lonely & lost. The unsavory situation she is in right now hit her hard (the day she decided she wanted to end her life) and she could no longer handle it. You (seem like) one of the only people she can turn to, who actually cares about her well being – because as you said, her immediate family is dismissing this very serious situation. So clearly, she feels no support from her family. In her mind, she wants to survive – which is good. She wants to get back on her feet otherwise she would not call your before she took those pills; she would in fact have slipped away & taken the easy way out. Instead she felt that you could help her.
You, on the other hand, knowing how she is and what she has done with her life are worried that there is no solution to this never ending problem of hers. You probably feel scared for your own safety (and I don’t blame you) and you feel as though you have to think about yourself & your future first (which is the right thing to do). But, overall you are worried for her and think that this wedding might worsen her state because/and:
- she might find it overwhelming
- it could remind her of the life she doesn’t have
- could cause her to retaliate in some way because she feels it is unfair that someone so close to her is so happy and she isn’t
- or repeat what she did; and even be successful at it
Maybe I’m way off, but this is what I gathered from reading your posts.
There is no way of us (as internet strangers) knowing how she will act, because we don’t know her nor do we know what her mental state is. Being her friend, I am sure you have some sort of insight about what could come next. However no matter what you think she might do – telling her that you are not ready to talk to her is incredibly cruel. A cry for help does get not any more clearer than this….so please, don’t ignore it. She has the will to fight, she just needs a nudge.
As you keep saying, you are like sisters to each other, so act like it.
Post # 68
@HisQueen2Be: This might sound bitchy, but can you try to set aside your own feelings on the matter for small periods of time in an effort to be supportive? Maybe writing her letters, sending supportive texts, arranging meetings where you focus totally on HER EXPERIENCE of things. The worst thing about friends is that they kind of drop off the face of the earth when bad things happen because “they’re trying to work through it themselves” or “don’t know how to be supportive” or “feel like they don’t want to bring up the painful thing because it will be painful to watch someone be emotional.” Eff. That.
As an aside: people who are willing to take their own lives could easily be willing to hurt someone else. Wanting to kill someone (even yourself) is not a natural state, so it’s right to consider the safety of your home and family.
This suicide attempt sounds like a cry for help rather than a true attempt to die. Yes, she may be testing the waters, but people who really want to be dead don’t take pills and phone a friend… And she needs therapy and probably meds.
Post # 69
Yikes. this is so intense.
She probably didn’t come to your house to kill herself but to be near someone she loves and that loves her back…
It would probably be one more blow to her if you took her off Maid/Matron of Honor or the bridal party all together BUT she may not be too much help… ALTHOUGH it could be a good distraction from her current situation as well… you could have a better influence on her & possibly bring her out of this deep hole.
I know its crazy… but you love her right?
Try not to be traumatized… try to be empathetic and help bring her up to a good place.
Post # 70
@HisQueen2Be: on no, this is not a poor choice of words. You asked if you’re being harsh, so let me be a bit more direct: yes, you’re being harsh & incredibly selfish. Taking care of yourself — I agree with, but to wrap your emotional well-being into a wedding 9 months away? When your friend is obviously very sick? Harsh & actually quite unbelievable considering the situation.
You don’t sound like you respect her at all–even before what has happened.
All the very best to this poor young woman.
Post # 71
@HisQueen2Be: All I meant was that you seem to be making assumptions that she should step down from being your Maid/Matron of Honor because she cannot handle it, emotionally. Perhaps you should ask her if that is the case before you remove her from your bridal party.
“but, shouldn’t what I want/ am comfortable with; be of paramount concern on that ONE day?”
I would think that you might be more concerned with your friend’s life and her emotional well being than your wedding day, but perhaps I am wrong.
Post # 73
The safety of your home and your animals should of course be an immediate concern; who has what role on your wedding can be given a lower priority. Something that happens 9 months from now can wait while your friend sorts out what is happening to her now. But you need to act very delicately, because you don’t know what your friend’s motivation was in her suicide attempt, and projecting what you think drove her to this on her could have disasterous results.
I’d recommend you change the locks on your house but let her know you’re changing the locks– you can always make up a white lie about someone losing a key or something– if you are honest and tell her you’ve changed the locks because of her, or if you demand your key back because of her suicide attempt, you risk dumping even more emotion on an already emotionally unstable person. If you don’t tell her at all, you risk her showing up randomly, whether or not that’s her usual pattern, and finding the locks changed may be interpreted as her as a betrayal, again negative and emotional at a time when she might not be equipped to handle it. You can either offer her a new key and stall about handing it over, or just don’t make the offer, but either way, it’s pretty reasonable to want to keep her out of your house until her mental state is more clear.
Once that’s done, just wait and see how things play out. With 9 months till your wedding, it’s a bit premature to worry that you won’t get a shower or won’t get a bachelorette, but if you’re obsessive on those things, ask another friend to step in and start planning, but position it as they’re helping, not running the show.
You have to understand that your friend is going to be unpredictable till she gets some proper therapy, and that while no one is expecting you to give up your wedding planning efforts, you now have a bit more responsibility to not throw fuel to whatever fire is going on. If you cut her out entirely or demote her, you do risk making her even more emotionally unstable than she already is. There’s a very serious risk to her. You have to look past your immediate needs for a bit.
Post # 74
@HisQueen2Be: Of course you matter! But you did ask this woman to be your Maid/Matron of Honor. Doesn’t that mean you’re close? If you feel your wedding will be negatively impacted by having her in it, then don’t. But don’t remove her from the bridal party because of this incident.
I understand it’s difficult for people who haven’t struggled with mental illness to view it in the same way they would a physical illness. Many people find it selfish to commit suicide, when all that person wants to do, usually, is lessen the burden they are placing on others. I would have a talk with her though. The wedding may stress her out and it may be easier on her to just be a guest. Or she may need something to look forward to, like her best friend’s wedding, to get through. I fell into the second camp. I pretty much constructed my life around mini-goals and little pick-me-ups to make it through.
I am by no means saying you should sacrifice your wedding for her. I’d just hate for you to demote her over something she can’t control (yes,she chose to act on suicidal thoughts, but I promise no one feels that way because they choose to).
Post # 75
@PermaStudent: When I say what I want should be of paramount concern, that means “what I want about the wedding”. In no way am I saying her life and mental health isn’t important, but the two don’t have to be connected. If she continues as my Maid of Honor for the reasons others have suggested—because it will give her something to look forward to—, I then tie my wedding day with her unstable mental health. And that’s something I’m not willing to do.
Thank you for the perspective. I really really appreciate your efforts to help me understand. i think what your comments are helping me realize is that we had problems, prior to the suicide attempt. I’ll have to figure out how to deal with those issues separately.
Post # 76
@Horseradish: Thanks for the tips about the key situation. Actually, when she was out of it and we were waiting on paramedics to arrive, I took my key out of her bag. So, there was no awkward “ask” for the key back, and I’m certain that she wouldn’t show up at my house at this point. I’m concerned about the stress levels her continued involvement would place on both of us.
I also know that she’s the kind of person to “fake it until she makes it” and she would spend money and time on wedding stuff that she should be spending on herself and improving the quality of her life. Although that makes me feel good on a superficical level, (that she cares enough about me to spend money she cannot afford to spend on me), it’s not really a behavior I want to encourage. At this point, if she were to be in my wedding, I already know her Mother would be paying for her dress/ shoes, etc. and that just makes me uncomfortable.