(Closed) My MOH tried to kill herself… what do I do?

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: What would you do?

    Be a supportive friend, let her stay the MOH

    Let her be a bridesmaid, just not MOH

    Take her out of the wedding altogether

    I have no idea. This sucks.

  • Post # 92
    Member
    355 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @HisQueen2Be:  This is such a difficult situation. While you need to be there for your friend you also have to look out for yourself. I know it sounds selfish but its reality. I don’t understand the people who are saying you should not be thinking about your wedding AT ALL. That sounds insane to me. People have their personal issues but it is up to you to decide how they are going to affect you. She needs help beyond you. I wouldn’t demote her I would let the dust settle and ask her how she feels about being your Maid/Matron of Honor. I would say, “I know things are rough right now and I want you to know that your health is very important to me and although I would love nothing more than my BFF next to me on my wedding day, I don’t want to be the cause of extra stress right now and I would totally understand if being Maid/Matron of Honor would suck right now……”  Don’t make the decision for her.

     

    Post # 93
    Member
    645 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    I have opened and closed this several times. Honestly, here’s how I feel.  I think you have been wanting to end this friendship for some time. You are more of a parent to her than a friend it seems, the two of you have nothing in common, your Fiance seems to be encouraging  you to step away from her (judging from your OP), and you don’t approve of her lifestyle. It is perfectly normal for friendships to gradually end this way.

    That said, she is unstable as you well know by now. If you are prepared for the eventual fall-out of ending this friendship, I would end it, but wait until she is in a better place (read: not suicidal). What you have to decide is if the friendship is worth it to you if she refuses to take steps to fix herself. I am all for staying friends with someone and supporting them through the journey to wellness. If she continues to self-destruct and you CHOOSE not to be a part of it, then that is your decision. 

    I understand that you are concerned about her role in your wedding, and that you also understand that it’s not paramount priority right now. Of course, you can’t totally dismiss your concerns about it though. 

    I think your reaction to this situation (not wanting to talk to her for months) really speaks as to your true feelings about this friendship. It sounds like she is pretty co-dependent on you and maybe you are her as well (judging from your comments about having no family support). This is unhealthy for both of you.

    I wish you well. This has to be traumatizing, one way or another. I truly hope that she can get the help she needs, and that you can be at peace with whatever decision you need to make.

    Post # 94
    Member
    9168 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @HisQueen2Be:  I don’t think it’s a topic that needs to be discussed right now.  As of right now I’d assume she’s still Maid/Matron of Honor but do not overwhelm her with wedding talk/tasks.  All my girls had to do was order the dress I told them to order and come to the wedding.  Outside of that there were no other obligations. I don’t see why she can’t be Maid/Matron of Honor if she wants to if all she has to do is get a dress and show up?

     

     

     

    The decision should be hers, but I don’t think you should bring it up right now.

     

     

     

    As for the dress situation, if I were you I’d go ahead and order her dress.  Guess on her size and go up a size or two so it can be altered if necessary.  If she ends up not wearing it oh well, it’s a little bit of money down the drain.  Or, since she is Maid/Matron of Honor she can always pick a different dress at a later time if that’s what it comes down to.  Your wedding is in may, you don’t need to order your dresses for another few months.  

     

     

     

    Post # 95
    Member
    128 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @HisQueen2Be:  Firstly, well done on texting her! I’m sure that wasn’t easy.

    Secondly, at the risk of sounding like an armchair psychologist, I can see that you’re traumatised, and that’s completely understandable. In some way, I think you’re grieving for the loss of your friend. Not the physical loss, thank goodness. But the loss of the person that you thought she was. The person you thought was healthy and whole. Now, in a sense, you have to get to know her again, and perhaps you’re scared that she will never be that same person you loved?

    Do you think you might be focusing on the wedding as a way to avoid dealing with the present situation? After all you’ve both just had your worlds turned upside down. It’s only natural to want to restore some kind of order to your life, and, as the bride, your wedding one situation that you typically get a lot of control over. It would make sense to me if you wanted something with a certain amount of ritual to concentrate on whilst everything else is in chaos.

    Right now though your friend is very ill. I agree that you need to look after your own mental health first and foremost, but I don’t think making a decision about your wedding party based on (as yet) unknown factors is going to help with that. I think it will just make you unnecessarily anxious and unhappy, possibly even more angry. I say unnecessarily because it’s not a decision that needs to be made right now. Give it some time.

    I hope you can keep reaching out to your friend, even if it’s just through text or email at first. Even if she’s not in a place where she can vocalise it right now, I’m sure she appreciates it. Do look after yourself as well though, and seek counselling if you’re willing to do so.

    Best of luck to you both.

    Post # 96
    Member
    1578 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Your wedding isn’t for another 8.5 months (date twin!).  I wouldn’t even be thinking about how her mental illness affects your wedding that is so far away.  Let her heal and take care of herself without having to think about the one day she said she’d stand next to you.

    If she’s still not doing well when it comes time to order the bridesmaid dresses (3-4 months out from the wedding), have a conversation then.  She should not have to think about this right now.

    And if she does want to stay in your wedding and her mom does pay for her dress, that’s really none of your business, but I do understand it making you feel a bit wonky.  Just remember that how she’s paying is her/their decision to make.

    ETA:  This might be applicable to how she’s feeling right now.

    Post # 98
    Member
    619 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @HisQueen2Be:  It looks like you’ve already gotten quite a few perspectives & advice.  I just wanted to share a bit of our story with you in hopes that it may help to see what it could look like closer to the wedding;

    One of my husbands closest friends is an alchoholic (I’ll call him K).  He has been ever since I’ve known him, but sober & even tipsy, he’s one of the sweetest guys and I understood why my husband kept him around.  He had always been a bit of a flake though…

    So my husband asked him to be the best man because he thought that it would be hard for him if he didn’t.  A few weeks later, K called, totally waisted and said that he had been thinking about killing himself because he was so stressed out about having to give a speech and all of the other things that came along with the job.  As it turned out, he did not want to be the best man and he was happy when my husband told him he could just be a groomsman.  Maybe your friend would feel the same way?  While it is an honor to be the Maid/Matron of Honor, she may feel the stress herself and may actually want to step down.

    However, our situation got worse…  K said he wanted to help with the bachelor party, but wouldn’t listen to my husbands ideas.  K was talking about strippers, drugs, etc. which my husband didn’t want.  But even so, K never actually made plans.  The other guys started a planning group which K never participated in.  So when my husband called him with the info they planned, K got pissed that it wasn’t his idea & hung up & didn’t call back.  My husband kept sending him info & finally called him a couple days before.  K showed up but told him he hadn’t planned on going but he was glad he did.

    As the wedding got closer, K kept asking my husband to order his kilt for him.  All of the other guys were able to figure out how to order on their own.  We made it quite simple for them!!  Finally my husband told him that he needed to figure it out on his own because he had enough on his plate as the groom.  K said he would figure it out.  K had also asked to borrow $60 for something and said that he would pay us back by doing some yard work for us (which he had done in the past).  My husband gave it to him & that was the last time we heard from him.  We have been married almost 3 months now.  K never showed up & never said a word.  Never even called to apologize.  All he needed to do was tell my husband that even being a part of the wedding at all was too much for him & my husband would have understood.  Instead, he had to deal with the hurt that this guy who he’d continually saved since they were teenagers didn’t have the decency to even call & wish him a happy wedding.

    Hopefully your friend can get it together to find a way to be some part of the day considering you have such a close past, but I would take some of the pressure off of her by telling her she doesn’t have to be Maid/Matron of Honor & even if she is still a bridesmaid, be prepared for anything.

    It’s really tough caring about someone with that lifestyle.  As adults, there is only so much we can do to help.  It is ultimately their decision.  I think as a friend, the best thing you can do for her is ask her to step down as Maid/Matron of Honor & be supportive.  Personally, I’d give her the option of still being a bridesmaid but leave no expectation for yourself.  I’d also phrase it in a way of letting her know it’s because you care about her getting back on her feet and not because you don’t trust her.  You may be lying a bit, but in her state, that may be the best way to hear it.  You’re right, it is your day & you should not have to worry about her.  That was what my husband did.  He was fine with the fact that K may never show & was fine with leaving him in the mix until he knew for sure.  When K didn’t show up, he was sad, but was prepared for it & it didn’t effect our wonderful day ;).

    I wish you and your friend the best!!  I hope she gets better, long term & I hope you have a wonderful wedding!!

    Post # 99
    Member
    1875 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @deetroitwhat: 

      @brlabrat: 

    @PermaStudent:  +1 to all of you ladies.

     

    @HisQueen2Be:  Look, what happened really sucked.  It sucked that your friend tried to kill herself and it sucked that you had to deal with this terrible ordeal.  But – and I say this with love -I really think you need to put on your big girl panties and be the rock your friend needs.  I don’t want to invalidate your feelings, because I have no doubt it was a tramatic event for you, but I think it’s sad and ridiculous that you didn’t talk to your close friend for DAYS because of how her sucicide attempt made you feel.  I’m glad you finally texted her, it was long over due.

    I believe you when you say you aren’t only concerned about your wedding and that you are only thinking about it because you have stuff coming up.  But I think you need to put the wedding aside when it comes to your friend.  I don’t think her invovlement in the wedding should be of any real concern at this point.  You don’t need to order dresses now (or you can just order hers for her if something is going to be discontinued) nor does your Maid/Matron of Honor need to be at any other wedding related events.  You can invite her, but I’d plan on her just not coming.  Now if your wedding was in < 3 months, then you could worry about it.  But your wedding is 9 months out and should be put on the back burner for now.

    Also, remember that you asked your friend to be your Maid/Matron of Honor because she is one of your nearest and dearest.  You keep her in the wedding because she is your friend and you love her and not because you pitty her and think it’s good for her.  On the same note, you don’t kick her out because she got sick and tried to kill herself.  If you don’t want to be friends with her any more, then fine, kick her out.  But don’t kick her out because you think it’ll ruin your wedding (which I still don’t understand how it will).

    Good luck OP.  I hope you and your friend pull through okay.

    Post # 100
    Member
    27 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I’m sure what I’m going to say is going to be extremely unpopular but I’m going to put it out there.  It is not intended to be a slight against your friend. 

    I work in mental health. Incidentally, I’ve also had my own personal struggles with depression, and gone through therapy, so I see this from both sides of the proverbial couch.

    When I read your post, both your friend’s history and the circumstances behind the attempt, my first thought was that this was not a matter of her trusting you, it was massive hostility born out of intrapsychic conflict.  I am sure that she cares about you but it also sounds like as your friend, she has no constructive way of dealing with her jealousy over not being able to get her life together or to take steps to make that happen.  By marrying your Fiance, you are moving away from her emotionally, which is healthy. It is also the type of thing though that people who have become withdrawn, are depressed, and have limited coping skills see as both abandonment and possibly confirmation of their own failures. Your friend’s behavior is fairly classic with respect to that special mix of attention seeking, hostility towards the object of abandonment and hostility towards self. I can’t tell you how many times I see this. The suicide attempt also becomes a manifestation of something we call projective identification. In a nutshell, it’s where someone unconsciously acts in a way to make another person feels as angry and disrupted inside as that person feels.  Again, it doesn’t mean she is a bad person or doesn’t care about you. When people are feeling down, their ability to recognize and properly manage their own aggression can be limited. That’s part of the reason why suicide attempts are also seen as a turning of aggression towards the self.

    Granted, this is all speculation but I would be willing to bet good money that theres some validity to these assumptions.  That aside, I know all that psychobabble doesn’t help you resolve your issue.  As it pertains to you, I think the advice you’ve gotten about doing a little informal counseling-perhaps through EAP or a pastor- so that you can process through it and feel comfortable about whatever choice you make. While your desire to help your friend is wonderful and I am not discouraging you from being supportive, it is also important for you to understand that ultimately, her well being is not your responsibility.

    As it pertains to the wedding, thankfully, your wedding is a ways off. I suspect, however. that there is no solution that is going to perfectly resolve the situation.  If I am correct, unless your friend is able to get her life together or develop insight into what she did and voice some kind of apology, there’s likely a risk of other veiled hostility seeping out as you get closer to the wedding. This doesn’t mean that your friend is a bad person or that she’s consciously aware of being angry and I hope that I’m wrong.  But since I’m writing to you, my first concern is you so I want to make sure you are doing what you need to to take care of you.  

    Right now, the attempt is raw and I don’t think there’s any need to make an immediate decision.  Besides, it would be helpful to your friend to get a little psychotherapy under her belt and establish with a provider before you make any changes.  That way, she will be better able to roll with your choice and will have someone to process it with however you decide.   

    Hang in there…

    Post # 102
    Member
    27 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    @HisQueen2Be:  Your delay in texting was appropriate and, in my opinion well advised. People who are in the hospital need to be focusing on the ward programming and therapy, not taking personal calls however well intended. And anyone who thinks that you should have been making calls immediately before you had a chance to do some minimal processing of how you feel is misguided at best.

    If you feel that you need to order the dresses now, I think you should. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to fire her as MoH. If she gets her act together and remains MoH, then you can order the dress then or get a similar one in the same color (as it wouldn’t be unheard of for MoH to have her own). If she can’t then she does not need the expense of the dress. At the least, I think a co-MoH is well advised so that you can get the support as well. The part of your friend that is not impaired by weed and depression would not want her friend having to struggle by herself and will ultimately understand though I think that holding off on revealing that news for a bit would be best to give her an attempt to get further along in therapy. 

    Post # 103
    Member
    1263 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2014

    @HisQueen2Be:  My best friend, that also my Maid/Matron of Honor, also tried to commit suicide. She tried to hang herself, but her boyfriend found her. She was in the mental hospital for 6 days before they let her out, and when she came out she had discoloration all over her face and purple/blue marks on her neck. I was there for her every moment once she got out (she wasn’t allowed visitors). If she needed space, I gave it to her. If she needed someone to just be there, I was there. 

    Do NOT automatically cut her out of your bridal party. I think you need to let her make the decision. She needs to know that you still love her just the same. You can ask/tell her that you know that she is under a lot of pressure and feeling stressed, and you want her to think about whether she still would like to be the Maid/Matron of Honor or if it would be less stressful for her to step down, and get back to you within a few days. Make sure you REASSURE her that she will not disappoint you either way she chooses… that you love her no matter what, you just want her to be okay and happy. If she would still like to be your Maid/Matron of Honor, maybe you could lesson her load and give other bridesmaids some of her duties, so that she can still be your right hand man at the alter.

    EDIT: I also just went through and read your updates. You said you dont feel safe around her now? Why is that? She doesn’t want to harm you. This deal she has, is with herself. Coming from someone with manic depession, she needs support and someone to listen. Yes, definitely therapy and maybe some other tactics, but she needs her best friend by her side. I understand that she did go to your house, but maybe she was calling you there to stop her before she actually did something, but you didn’t make it in time. Definitely NOT saying this is your fault! Just saying that maybe she was looking for help when she went to your house. I hope you two work it out and can remain best friends like before.

    Post # 104
    Member
    1589 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    @HisQueen2Be:  I will admit I didn’t read all the comments, so I apologize if someone said this already.  This is intense and I’m sorry you are going through this.  But, I think you have a lot of time on your side- you don’t need to be concerned with who will be your Maid/Matron of Honor right now.  One of your closest friends is in a lot of pain right now, and more pain than you are in, so if you can dig deep and be there for her, I really think that you should try.  I realize this is emotionally traumatizing for you, and seeking counseling would probably help with that.  You can probably discuss this situation with a therapist. I don’t think anyone is trying to mitigate or invalidate your feelings- you have every right to be upset.  I think other bees are just pointing out that however terrible you are feeling, your friend is probably feeling 10xs worse.  Her call to you was a call for help- you are very important to her or else she would not have gone to your house.  You have to decide if you want to help her or not.  And that’s a decision you have to make in your own heart- we can’t help with that.  

    Eventually though, if you want to continue your friendship, I think you will need to have a conversation with your friend about all of this.  When you do, I think it would be bad if you just told her she was demoted and not MOH/out of the wedding party- that will probably not end well for either of you.  She is already devastated and felt like her life is not worth willing… maybe she was looking forward to being MOH?  On the other hand, maybe it was causing her extra stress and pressure that she can’t handle right now.  The point is, you don’t know and I think you should ask her.  Does she want to still be Maid/Matron of Honor or not?  Framing it that way, she can gracefully bow out, or she can step up with purpose.  Given her emotional state, it is important for her to feel like she is not powerless and let HER make choices about HER life.  It just so happens that your life and hers are intertwined.  I’m not a counselor, but I had to have a lot of training regarding suicide for a past job.  I hope you find this helpful. 

    Post # 105
    Member
    166 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    I think you need to ask her what she needs right now…does she want to be a part of the wedding? if she does, then tell her that you want her to be in the wedding, but you need to know you can still count on her and she needs to get the help she needs. if something like this happens again then tell her she will have to step down. 

    another thing is was she legitimately trying to kill herself…or was this just an overly exaggerated cry for help??  (and i don’t say this in a bad way – I’m not heartless…i am a mental health counselor and see this frequently – and in fact sometimes these are the saddest stories because they dont actually mean to kill themselves, they just want/need the attention…and unfortunately end up being successful in their attempt) hopefully this is a one time thing and if she gets the help she needs she can be back to herself with the right combination of therapy and/or medication if necessary.

    if she is this ill, then she may not even want to be in the wedding, but feels obligated to be so. try to keep the pressure off of her and let her know you are there for her, ok with whatever she wants to do, and will continue to support her any way you can.  

    Post # 106
    Member
    4394 posts
    Honey bee

    You sound so selfish I can’t believe it. So I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and believe that maybe you are typing without thinking about how it’s coming across. 

    Your wedding should be about the last thing on your mind. It would be for me if my best friend tried to kill herself. Not to mention taking this away from her would send a very clear message that you don’t support her unconditionally, and probably make her more depressed. As a PP said, she probably needs more in her life, not less, and kicking her out and isolating her will make her feel worse. She needs compassion and care, not to be kicked out of her supposed best friend’s wedding. 

    I do think you could benefit from counseling or some other mental health professional to understand the situation better (her feelings and what she needs) as well as deal with your own feelings. 

    The topic ‘My MOH tried to kill herself… what do I do?’ is closed to new replies.

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