Post # 107
I think you are doing the right thing. I went through something eerily similar – to the point where this post made me cry from the terrible memories.
I had a good friend who attemped suicide by using pills. She knew our entire group of friends was out together and called us and told us to come over. The whole experience was traumatizing for us. She was in ICU for several days and then on a 72-hour mental health hold. Obviously every situation is different and this situation is multi-layered, so I don’t want to pretend I know your situation.
I just want you to know it’s OKAY to be angry, confused, scared, etc. It doesn’t mean you don’t love her. You have to take care of yourself. It is not your responsbility to fix her. It is only your responsibility to love her.
Do what you need to do so that you can enjoy your wedding and be okay. Be kind to her, be loving, be compassionate…but you don’t need to disregard your own needs for her.
Post # 109
@KimmySumShuga: “Try not to be traumatized… try to be empathetic and help bring her up to a good place”
I get what you’re trying to say, but she should not have to “try not to be traumatized.” Having been there, it IS trauma to be in this position. I have an immense amount of compassion for the OP’s friend…but let’s not discount how horrific it is to have your best friend try to die. I have been through some pretty terrible things in my life, but there is nothing that amounts to the amount of pain, confusion, fear and depression I experienced when my best friend attempted suicide. You question everything. It’s not an easy situation to be in.
OP, it is absolutely normal to be in this position. I saw a therapist regarding it and now, 1.5 years later, I’m finally able to move past it.
Post # 110
@HisQueen2Be: Geez, what a mess. 🙁 Sorry you went through all that. She obviously is depressed, but her actions were selfish and harmful to others – namely, you. I think you are getting some extremely unfairly harsh comments from ladies who have never been in such a situations. Of course you are traumatized! Having a friend take advantage of the trust between you to end her life would be awful! It’s like in wanting to end it all, she chose you to bear the brunt of the horror of her death by planning on having herself be dead in your home. It’s like she took out her anger at the world on the person that she is probably closest to. That is so messed up.
Yes, she needs to work on herself, but you are right, you need to work on yourself after this too. Not everyone is a giant pillar of strength after their best friend tries to kill themself, and that is normal and fine. I would be angry in your shoes too.
Anyhow, for this situation, I’d say give it some time for sure. Wait for her to stabilize, and see if you can forgive her and offer her some emotional support, so long as it does not drag you down. If you can do that, then for your wedding, perhaps nominally leave her as “MOH,” but appoint someone else to be co-Maid of Honour and do all the maid of honour duties. That way she doesn’t have any responsibilities but she won’t feel cast aside. But again, just give it some time, and see how you feel. I think having her as a regular bridesmaid or a guest are both acceptible options as well.
Post # 111
@HisQueen2Be: I am sorry but I agree with @deetroitwhat:
. You need to stop making this about you.
As someone who has battled cancer I can tell one of the toughest things was having to take care of/be mindful of other people and their feelings about MY cancer. Sorry but a friend takes care of the sick person in their life. If you are traumatised you suck it up because your friend and her illness trumps your feelings on her choosing a safe space(your house) to reach out for help. Because that is what she did. Someone who truly wants to end their life does not call someone to tell them about it.
Demoting her, taking back your house keys and choosing not to talk to her are pretty insensitive things to do to a friend in pain. I am sorry that you may find what I am saying as mean or harsh but I would say the same thing to anyone in real life. This is not about you, this is about her. Your wedding is over 6 months away, not next week.
You say you can’t be loving/supportive of her right now well sorry but that makes you a bad friend in my book. This girl is in serious pain and she reached out to you, her supposed friend, for help and now you are punishing her and pushing her away. Sorry but I don;t know if I would want a friend if I knew they would dump me the moment I hit a really hard time.
My best friend went through a shocking divorce while I was having chemo and she was still there to hold my hair back and wipe the vomit from my chin. I in return would do the same for her. My counsin on the other hand that made me step down from being a Bridesmaid or Best Man because my hairless head no longer fit her wedding vision, well I wouldn’t give the time of day now.
Post # 112
@djenah79: I thanks for responding. I feel pretty confident in saying that she’s probably not the best judge of what she needs right now…
Im the person who has to try to make an informed and hopefully not hasty decision. It’s not just about what she wants- I also have to consider how her actions have changed the way my Fiance and I feel about her.
Post # 113
@MsMonkey: ths is one of the most compassionate responses I’ve received thus Far. I can’t take responsibility for her mental illness. My biggest fear is that I’ll pour myself into her; and then her illness will lead her to try this again… Then; despite all my best efforts; she successfully commits suicideIs wouldn’t that be my fault?
I just… I can’t pretend to be okay right now.
Post # 114
@joya_aspera: This, this, this.
I feel like if you immediately canned her from Maid/Matron of Honor, that could effect her in a really bad way. Make it seem like you arent there for her, or you’re embarassed by her or something. Maybe gently ask her how she feels about being in the wedding and let her know you’re there for her no matter if she still wants to be in it or not.
Post # 115
@j_jaye: I respect your feelings. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve battled cancer, and I’m ecstatic that you won the battle.
Wth that said; I don’t agree with equating having a chronic illness like cancer to my situation with my friend. A lot of the details that I omitted for brevity would explain why I’m wary to embrace her at this point in my life. She has some substance abuse problems that she needs to face head on; and she needs to actually accept that there’s a chemical imbalance here that she needs to take steps to correct. I need to know that she WANTS help; but at present; all signs point to her wanting things to return to normal.
and things won’t EVER be the same.
Post # 116
@arabbel: thanks for acknowledging the unfair criticism. I think people underestimate how they would feel if they got texts saying: ” I dying. I at your house” from their best friend who refused to answer the phone. They’d feel differently if they’d had to call her Mom in tears, wrestle her to the floor, or hide the Absolut vodka bottle in the closer after wrestling it out of her hands. That bottle of vodka is STILL in my closet.
Post # 117
I think if she REALLY wanted to kill herself, she wouldn’t have gone to your house and told you that she’d taken pills. She probably wouldn’t have told anyone and would have let herself die. This sounds more like a cry for help to me.
When I was a teen I took pills often. I think the most I ever took was 15, and I got very dizzy and fell asleep in my bed. I would also drink a lot, and have panic attacks. I never wanted to die, though. If, after my behaviour, a friend had done something I perceived as ‘distancing’ themselves from me, all that would have done would be to make me ‘beat myself up’ and think about what an idiot I was. It wouldn’t have made me focus on the root of my issues. It would have seemed like more issues were added to my plate, because I would have wanted to fix the friendship.
I don’t know your Maid/Matron of Honor, but I think that if you were to ‘demote’ her to Bridesmaid or Best Man, she may not take that as “I want you to focus on you right now” but might think that you don’t want her as your Maid/Matron of Honor because of her actions. That would be very hurtful. She could feel like she’s pushed you away and has severely damaged your friendship at a time when she really needs to feel supported by the people who love her.
Unless she wants to step down, or unless her therapist has suggested it, I would not ‘demote’ her. Have you asked her what she wants?
Post # 118
I have kept this thread open for awhile and have wrestled with what to write.
Instead of writing the many things I have thought of and have wanted to say, I will just say this.
If you demote her, that could be the “last straw” that leads her to a successful suicide attempt. Many (most) people that attempt suicide do it more than once. You have not mentioned if this is her first attempt or not. I am not trying to guilt you or encourage you to keep her in your wedding, I am just stating a fact. You need to be aware of this when making your choices.
I am keeping my personal feelings out of this repsonse; you have gotten many similar ones already. I wish you luck as you and her both deal wtih this difficult time.
Post # 119
@HisQueen2Be: But a mental illness is a chronic illness. Infact it is about as chronic as an illness can be. You need to get out of this thought process that you are in. Mentally ill people are often not in control and due to being mentally ill cannot accept that they do indeed have a problem.
Would you abandon a smoker who developed lung cancer? I mean after all they did it to themselves.
She has also made it abiundantly clear that she wants help. She called you in her darkest moment. Her problems go deeper than something as superficial as saying she will stop her behaviour. Her problems are the reason why she has these behaviours. This is not a simple wave of the fairy wand situation. It is completely unfair to withhold your friendship and support of her unless she meets your rules/standards. Sorry but life doesn’t work that way, friendship isn’t supposed to work that way. You support your friends through their good decisions and their bad decisions. You help them to make better choices and to support them getting help if they want to but you don’t dangle your friendship in front of them like some sort of prize fro being a good well adjust “normal” person.
Post # 120
@j_jaye: would I stop loving a friend who smoked and had lung cancer? No. But; I wouldn’t smoke with them; either. I wouldn’t encourage them to go anywhere where people would be smoking; or continue to live the lifestyle they lived before they got diagnosed.
I know you’re sensitive and you feel that I should take responsibility for her problems; but I won’t. I’ love her dearly and I’m here to help her make positive changes; but I can’t help someone who resists my efforts. I have a life to love/ live too.
Post # 121
@JenniferMm: believe me, I have thought of this. its dangerous for me to take ownership of her outcomes, though. What if I hadn’t gotten home fast enough; and she had succeeded? What if she remains my MOH; & the stress of the wedding drives her to this place again? I think it’s WRONG for me to feel responsible for keeping her alive. That’s too heavy a burden to bear. Despite my best efforts; I could fail. And then; traumatized won’t be the appropriate word at all. ..