(Closed) My MOH tried to kill herself… what do I do?

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: What would you do?

    Be a supportive friend, let her stay the MOH

    Let her be a bridesmaid, just not MOH

    Take her out of the wedding altogether

    I have no idea. This sucks.

  • Post # 122
    Member
    9210 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

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    @HisQueen2Be:  I am not saying you have to take responsibility for her problems but you should take responsibility for being a friend. Friends do not abandon other friends when things get tough.

    Do not ignore her problems but what you are doing is ignoring her totally. You are punishing her because you do not like her lifestyle choices. But the thing is they are her choices not your choices.

    How would you feel if you got divorced and she ignored you because she didn’t think you made the right choice in marrying your FI? That it served you right for making a bad choice. Because that is what you are doing here.

    I am not saying you can’t having feeling about the situation, be angry, tramatuised or whatever but you are punishing your friend for something she has little control over.Her mental illness is her battle, she has to fight it but what she doesn’t need is friends who don’t have her back.

    Post # 123
    Member
    224 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

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    @HisQueen2Be:  i dont think when someone is in crisis is the best time to determine how you “feel about her”  – it was definitely a crazy thing for her to come to your house and i understand why that would have you questioning everything and i understand being “traumatized” but try to put yourself in her shoes and consider how she would feel. my guess is that she went to your house because you are the closest person to her…and to say this may change how you feel about her is, well, kind of cruel. i havent read other posts so i havent gotten any more of the story from when i last posted, but it seems like you were obviously good friends for a long time ( i mean she is your moh which i think should mean something??)…for you to just turn your back on her now because something triggered her to the point of psychosis and she is interfering with your wedding plans is kind of awful. 

    i was offering a suggestion that would work best with caring for your friend, maintaining your relationship, and continuing with your wedding as planned…but it seems wedding plans (or risk of changes to them) are more important that your relationship with her, as you seem to give little significance to her well being at all. maybe you are just not as close of a friend with her than you portrayed….which is fine….everyone has their priorities. i can’t help but question the value you place on your other friends who did not have the honor of being your Maid/Matron of Honor. if you don’t want her to be in your wedding then thats your choice…it’s your day to be celebrated how you want it to be, and no one is going to argue that point…i just don’t know why you are posting on a board to get everyone’s opinion if you are even questioning your relationship with her. you seem to feel pretty solid that you don’t want her in your wedding or maybe even in your life….

    Post # 124
    Member
    4474 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

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    @lh526:  +1 this was my impression too

    Post # 125
    Member
    4474 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

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    @rxwebste:  +1 I’ve seen this pattern in the self-destructive patterns of family members.

    Post # 126
    Member
    238 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

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    @HisQueen2Be:  why did you come on here for “advice”? It is clear that you are only responding to people who are telling you to make yourself a priority.

     

    “protecting your 300k+ investment”? Yes, I can see how that is much more important than your friend WHO TRIED TO KILL HERSELF. I am not sure you are getting the gravity here. SHE WANTED TO BE DEAD. Does it matter whose house it was?! SHE WANTED TO DIE. She is SERIOUSLY ill. And you are concerned about your HOUSE?! What would be the damage done there? 

     

    I go against everything everyone has said here. Back away, back far away. right now, she needs friends. People who will put her first, over their house, over their wedding. She needs support and people who care. You are not that person.

    Post # 127
    Member
    4474 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    Ok, I’ve read a lot of responses here, and think a lot of them are quite harsh towards the OP.  While I do agree that the bridesmaid thing should be a low priority right now, I can see how someone would question giving the Maid/Matron of Honor role to someone who’s a self-destructive mess.  I think OP should give things time to cool down before doing anything – there’s plenty of time.  I also think some people are overlooking how rough and traumatic it is to experience something like this.  It’s a screwed up situation for everyone. 

     

    My brother sounds similar to the friend – he’s an alcoholic and addict (heroin and who knows what else), very reliant on marijuana, and unemployed.  He tried killing himself two years ago, and at this point is so chemically imbalanced from substance abuse he’s unstable and unpredictable.  Support is important, but there are reasonable limitations to everything.  if a person’s willing to change and help themselves then it’s important for them to have a strong supportive network.  However, some people continue to self-destruct, and at a certain point you have to let them go and take care of yourself.  That may sound selfish, but it can be really unhealthy to take on another person’s chaos.  If someone’s stuck in a self-destructive spiral, the only thing that can change it will come from within.  I think for now, OP, you’re doing the right things – only time will tell how you should deal with this friend.  It will all depend on her, whether she’s ready to heal yet or not.

    Post # 128
    Member
    274 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    @HisQueen2Be:  her going to your house is because she could trust that you’d be there to help her. She knew someone would be there to find her if her suicide followed through. I think that this was her calling for your help in her situation. And as her friend, do not take any of it personal. She wanted you to help her because she could trust you.

    Personally, I wouldn’t knock her off the moh tower. Imho, it will only make her feel worse. As though she has compromised your friendship. She already feels like she is the reason for the way things have gone (at least in 95% sure that’s how she feels). Adding to that you saying to take time for herself wouldn’t be what she would hear, but rather that you’re mad at her and therefore are demoting her. Talk to your other BMs and ask them to take up the task of some of the events that Maid/Matron of Honor does. Ask them to be understanding of it and to not ask any questions (as it really is none of their business). Explain to them that Maid/Matron of Honor has a lot on her plate right now as far as stress goes. Hopefully they will be understanding of that. Let Maid/Matron of Honor know you care deeply for her. You are having some of the bms pick up the things that she would be in charge of to help. Explain to her that you understand that she is highly stressed and upset about things. And even make an effort to ask her what’s going on.

    I’ve dealt with depression a lot. So I do hope that my insight has helped.

    Post # 129
    Member
    2050 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    @HisQueen2Be:  Not sure if someone else suggested this already but why not have her keep the Maid/Matron of Honor title but have someone else in the bridal party shadow the tasks to be sure they’re done. Is there anyone understanding enough of the situation to discreetly help out?

    Moreover, your friend is sick and in need of guidance. Do what you can as a friend to support her sans wedding conversation.

    And yes, get back your key.

    Big hugs to you and to her.

    Post # 130
    Member
    274 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    @HisQueen2Be:  Okay, I could only read through about half of your posts before frustration sat in.  So frustrated that I had to get onto my computer to type it out because trying to type it out on my phone would frustrate me even more.  So this will come out to you as me being a complete and total bitch.  But please make sure to read every piece of this.  Because it really isn’t all that bitchy after you get past a certain point.  I just had to let my frustration get out.  

    While you seem to “know” and “understand” she needs help, you don’t really seem to really know or understand.  It is almost as though you are playing the “I care about you” card, but you are thinking more of your ownself.  So here is where I am going to say that I feel uberly sorry for your sister (close friend you consider her sister).  I’d kill to have a best friend so close to me I consider them my sister (I do have my Fiance who is my BF though).  I would hate to have friends that couldn’t be there for me when I needed them, and I would sure as hell make sure that I was the friend that was always there (treat others as you would want to be treated).  If any one of my friends tried to commit suicide, I’d be there.  Even if it was in my house.  And the last thing I would do is take her key away.  And I sure as hell wouldn’t be afraid for myself; I’d be afraid for her.  In fact, I’d be the one next to her bedside making sure everything was okay, every single day.  And when she was released from the hospital, she would be staying with me.  Especially if her family was acting as though it was nothing.  And tbh, I’d probably postpone the wedding.  Because I’d want her being there, healthy, stronger, and next to my side on my special day.

    So on top of having a friend who hasn’t even bothered saying a word to her, she has her family who is treating it like its no big deal.  Would it surprise you if she started declining health wise or even following through with suicide?  When dealing with depression, a lot of the time you are being self destructive.  With friends and family that acted like they didn’t care anything about them, it would make them feel more useless to this world.  And give them more reason to leave the world.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought “they’d be better off without me here”.  

    Admitting here, I’ve tried.  I’ve cut into my own wrists at the worst time in my life.  And my Fiance (my best friend) helped me get through everything by showing he wasn’t going anywhere.  I struggle keeping my own jobs and even finishing school because of my anxiety, my depression, and my shyness.  I can see from her point of view that she feels like a failure.  But its NOT her.  She is a person who can win at everything in this world.  The disease is what makes her the way she is.  And you being there to help her get the help she needs will help her push to be healthy.  Go back into my profile and see my previous mental health post.  It was a vent about myself, a vent about a fight my Fiance and I got into.  But I realized with that fight that even though he pissed me off, that he was right.  I needed help.  And he isn’t going anywhere even if I did or didn’t get help.  Because he cares and loves me regardless of this disease.  Maybe its helpful that he grew up with an alcoholic mother.  So he knows how diseases work.  They definitely don’t make a person.  You see through the disease, and see them for who they truly are, you’ll see what I mean.  

    Anyways, by all means, take care of your health (couples counsoling would be amazing for both of you as friends).  But don’t let this bump in the road (no matter the size), tear your friendship apart.  With this, you girls should learn to lean on each other and be better friends to each other, more open and honest about whats going on.  And I think you seeing her will help SO MUCH with the anger you feel right now.   You seeing her would probably make you burst into tears of happiness that she is still alive.  You’ll regret it if you let your own anger eat up at you and tear your relationship apart.  Especially when you get word that she ended up going through with her suicidal thoughts and tendencies.  So please please please…. go see her.  And please come back and give us an update.  

    I am sorry that you are going through this.  And I am even more sorry that she is going through this.  I feel bad for the two of you.  So grow with each other some more.  Because both of you deserve it.  And both of you deserve to have friends worth fighting for.  

    Post # 131
    Member
    984 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    That doesn’t seem like a serious suicide attempt to me – when people actually kill themselves, they usually do all they can to make sure nobody finds out. But she went to your house and called you. That doesn’t sound like suicide – it sounds like a cry for help.

    She clearly felt that you would understand; she ran to you when she felt like she’d hit rock bottom, perhaps because she knew you’d help her. So help her. All you have to do is be there. Just be present and listen and ask questions. Let her know she’s not alone.

    As for your wedding, bring it up to her. Gently, of course. Then see how she reacts. If she still seems happy about it, keep her as Maid/Matron of Honor. If she seems to deflate at the idea, maybe mention that she might not feel up for it, and that you’re okay with it if she needs to spend that time on herself instead.

    Post # 132
    Member
    1218 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

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    @HisQueen2Be:  I absolutely think that you should see a therapist of your own. When you find out that someone you love is suicidally depressed, it has a huge impact on you. I know my mum went to therapy after I attempted suicide and she found it very helpful.

    As for the wedding, you have enough time left to not even go there for a few months. Just be a good friend to her and wait and see how she’s coping before making any final decisions.

    Post # 133
    Member
    1047 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    I’m not going to comment on how you should proceed with your relationship with your friend. Without having all the information it’s difficult to advise you. But what I will say is that you should stop thinking about how this impacts on the wedding for the moment. In fact put it out of your mind completely for the time being. There are far more important things to think about, and it should not be your main concern right now. In a month or two once your friend has had time to heal, and you have both had time to figure out what you want your friendship to be, you can discuss it. I would suggest that you are not the one who should be making the decision though. Let your friend tell you what she feels she can cope with. If she doesn’t feel up to being Maid/Matron of Honor, then tell her you understand. If she still wants to be Maid/Matron of Honor then great. You may need to adjust your expectations, but what is more important? Having a fancy shower/bachelorette/etc, or having someone you love stand up for you on your wedding day. 

     

     

    I know things are hard for her right now, but she can get through it. I’m saying this as someone who has come through depression, and as the sister of someone who took an overdose. both me and my sister are now engaged and both very happy (and she is the mother of a beautiful 8 month old baby boy) Whilst I know we will always have the predisposition to become depressed, we are both proof that life does get good again. 

    Post # 134
    Member
    3051 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2015

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    @laken.oliver:  this is perfect.

    I have had a “best friend” so close that we were “sisters”. We were best friends for 8 years, I was there for her when she got into an almost life ending car accident. Literally, drove 2 1/2 hours a day to sit by her while she was in the hospital or rehab for almost 2 months. Then, in a hot second a few years later, she dropped me because of a life “choice” I had made that she just “couldn’t handle” (being bisexual). The only reason I bring this up, as it doesn’t relate to your situation much, is that you are close enough to CALL YOURSELF HER SISTER and then when she’s struggling more than she has ever struggled in her entire life, you are reflecting on your feelings about her and trying to make a decision as to whether you should keep her in your life. It’s a joke that you equate yourselves to sisters. Sisters don’t sit on the couch & think “should I keep being her sister? I mean, we don’t have much in common anymore, I don’t agree with some of her life choices, I don’t know if I want to associate myself with her mental illness and take on the responsibility of caring for her….Maybe we shouldn’t be sisters.”

    If she wasn’t in such a horrible state, I’d say you’re both better off without each other. But now isn’t the time for that. She deserves someone who truly cares about her and cares enough to put HER first when she absolutely needs it. And then you don’t have to worry about her life being your responsibility. No, it’s not your responsibility to keep her alive. But I can tell you that I wouldn’t sit there and think “what if I put in ALL THIS hard work to try to keep her alive and she dies anyway”…I would think “what if I DON’T try absolutely everything I can to help her get better and she successfully kills herself”.

    You need counselling, she needs counselling. But her needs SHOULD come first right now. She needs support. Her life literally depends on it. There will be a time in your life that you are the one who needs support, maybe your wellbeing will depend on it (likely not your life as not everyone slips into suicidal tendencies when having a hard time) but I would hope she would be there as well. If nothing else just to get you through it.

    Post # 135
    Member
    4997 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I didn’t read all of the responses, but your wedding isn’t until May. I would focus on trying to help her get healthy and revisit the issue in February or so…

    Post # 136
    Member
    4304 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

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    @j_jaye:  +1

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    @abirdword:  I understand what youre saying but I think most of us are appalled by the fact she talks so badly about the girl, claims to love her & then immediately after a suicide attempt is worried about something so trivial. I think your perspective is minimalizing a couple of very valid points made by others.

    besides, the OP asked if she’s being harsh. And now disagrees with anyone that tells her that she is. I’m not sure why the question is even asked if she does not want to hear anything else.

    The topic ‘My MOH tried to kill herself… what do I do?’ is closed to new replies.

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