(Closed) My mom and I -hurt.

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
2546 posts
Sugar bee

@LovinChrist18:  You can still enjoy life together, experience new things, and be fully committed without getting married right now. If you have those strong feelings now, won’t you still have them in a few years? I guess I just dont understand why you need to get married right now.

To say that you have finances secured is a little misleading, since your other posts say that you can’t pay for a wedding and your mom is paying for it.

I’m not trying to make you feel bad, I just really don’t understand. I have read so many posts on the bee saying that they wished they had waited to get married until they were older, but ive never read a post that said I wish I got married younger.

Post # 18
2674 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@LovinChrist18:  I think people are focused on your age because you said in your original post “I am young, very young. I know, I know, I already know what most of you think when I am so very young.” If those two sentences were left out I never would have thought to ask your age. The way it is worded made me read it as if your age is an issue for you, and a concern of yours. I think thats why people are asking you if you are sure about your upcoming marraige, questioning your motives (although I’m sure there must be a nicer way to phrase that, which I can’t think of right now) and questioning your resolve to get married.

I hope that another bee is able to give you some good advice. Enjoy your wedding planning.

Post # 21
243 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Although I’m not your age, my mom was bummed when I headed to college (which was only an hour away) because I’m also the youngest and the only girl.  I know she’ll have a hard time when I move away with my Fiance over the summer.  Can you reassure your mom and let her know that it’s hurtful when she makes the comments?  “Mom, I love you so much and will always be close to you, it’s going to be hard for me to leave, but I want you to be excited for me and share in this time planning with me.”  Good Luck..

Post # 23
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@LovinChrist18:  I’m not saying that marrying young is bad or wrong. I just think about marriage from a practical perspective and not just from an emotional one so I was curious to know what your reasons were- it gives us a better view at your situation and can help us give better advice 

I think maybe you should sit down with your mom and let her get it all off her chest because maybe she is thinking of perspectives and struggles and she doesn’t know if you have considered them. It is hard to listen to people (especially those that we want so badly to approve and be supportive) question our decisions especially when it’s about something so important. 

example- this weekend we went home and FIs mother was asking me about my student loan payments and what my job prospects are and what the starting salaries are for our area. When I was younger I didn’t have a full understanding of how much things cost and I didn’t understand that until I moved out on my own and STRUGGLED! So much so that I stopped going to school to get a full time job and am now working on my bachelors at age 25. So anyways…it was hard to hear her question the financial burden that I would be on her son (since that was the implication) but it was something that was really concerning her that she needed to get off her chest. 

Being a teenager it is hard to remain calm and objective when you feel attacked…I mean it’s hard as an adult, but it’s really hard when you are still in adolescence. I think if you let her “Get it all out there” and you can aknowledge and show her that you have already considered that perspective intelligently then it might improve and move your relationship with her in a more mature direction.

I know you aren’t going to want to hear this either, but your mom “trying to guilt trip you to get you to do what she wants” might not really be what she is doing, but it is what you are hearing. Try to approach the situation and conversations from an objective position. 

I think if that all happens and she is still making comments that are bothering you then I think you might need ot put your foot down. I think ALL of us have at some point during the wedding planning process have just had to say “ok…enough!”

Post # 27
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

it is very hard for people to think about situations without looking at their own experiences, I would bet that a vast majority of people would say after the fact that they didn’t really know what they thought they knew when they were 17. Basically it’s a nicer way of saying “well I wasn’t ready and my best friend wasn’t ready, and my cousin wasn’t ready and all these other people weren’t ready so NO ONE that is young is ready” It may not be an opinion founded in fact but it’s what most people think.

That is why I’m saying that you need to listen objectively to everything she has to say so that she can see that you ARE understanding the huge responsibility and commitment you are making. 

Post # 29
1231 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

@LovinChrist18:  Well, I don’t need convinced of why you want to get married so young – but unfortunately, it’s not self explanatory. I’m not trying to be harsh to you, but such a thing as a wrong reason to marry does exist. Whatever your situation, I would encourage you to wait on marriage. I’m 25 and I totally remember what it was like to be 17. I know that neither myself nor anyone I knew was ready for marriage, even though I myself thought that I was for many reasons like, “we’re the exception, we will make it against any odds”, “I’m totally mature for my age”, etc.

I also know that at 17, I never listened to anyone who told me otherwise. I was engaged in high school and I would basically smugly shoot anyone down who would tell me I was too young. Thankfully I was able to come to my senses on my own, because no amount of sound advice from anyone would’ve stopped me unless I stopped myself.

I really feel for you, and regardless of your decision I wish you the best of luck and all the success in the world for your possible upcoming marriage. That being said, I have to urge you again to please wait for a couple of years before taking the plunge – I said the same exact thing you did when I was exactly your age, “It doesn’t make sense to wait because we’re fully committed anyway, why bother waiting a few more years when I know this is it!”. There is reason to wait: you’re only 17. In a year, you will still be only 18. You’re still discovering who you are at this age and trust me, you will change! Your Fiance will change! I won’t go into the reasons behind why I didn’t go through with marrying my first “FI”, but it was the best thing that could’ve happened to me at the time. Who knows, maybe your current Fiance is your destiny…he could very well be “the one” for you. That still does not mean you should marry at 18. Take this from someone who lived through a similar situation (except I never even bothered to tell my parents about our intentions at the time to marry, so I didn’t have to deal with their anger).

Anyway, sorry to go off topic from your mom upsetting you. I can’t say too much to help you with that because frankly, your mom is human and she has legitimate reasons to be high-anxiety at the moment. It sucks that things are so tough for you both right now and I will keep you in my thoughts! I hope you find a happy resolution for your situation.

Post # 30
782 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I just want to say that you sound really mature and thoughtful, and I really admire the way you’re listening so respectfully to other people’s advice without getting defensive or resentful.  It also sounds like you’re trying really hard to consider your mother’s feelings and her perspective on the issue.  It takes a lot to put your life choices out there for everyone to criticize or comment upon, and I think you’re handling it really well. ๐Ÿ™‚

My advice on the situation is to continue being respectful of your mother’s concerns and feelings and to pray for patience, compassion, and a forgiving heart when you feel like you’ve been hurt or insulted.  In the end, I think you’ll have to accept that nothing in the world is going to convince most people that a 17 year old is ready to get married.  So just try to be open and responsive to her feelings and concerns as much as you can. 

Best of luck to you and your fiance!  I wish you a happy life together!  ๐Ÿ™‚

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