(Closed) My mom and I -hurt.

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Honestly I’m not sure I would consider your mom a good parent if she didn’t continuously question why her 17 year old wants to get married lol. While I’d like to say I’d be supportive, if you were my daughter I’d probably be a looooot less supportive. Can I ask why you won’t consider waiting?

My DH and I first started dating when I was 15 and he was 16. We knew pretty early on that we were going to end up getting married and we were dedicated to making our relationship work. We were both mature and responsible teenagers who had been through enough life experiences for multiple lifetimes. We got married at 24 and 25, which I consider young, as two totally different people. Yes we stayed together and yes we ended up happily married, but we are not the same people now that we were. It would have been completely irresponsible and incredibly immature to get married at 18,  it would literally have been the hallmark of the immaturity we would have been trying to deny.

Is there a reason you wouldn’t consider moving in together and waiting it out for a few years? You’ve got a lot of growing to do and you can do it together and still enjoy life while you get a few more years under your belts. I can tell you from experience that knowing he’s the right one now won’t necessarily mean he’s the right one later, even if it’s just because you’ve changed. Ultimately, I would really suggest you wait and I don’t think you can fault your mom since she’s already being more supportive than logic would dictate. 

Post # 32
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I can understand why your mom is sad that her baby is moving away and getting married. Just keep in mind that most mothers have to deal with this at two seperate times (when you leave for college, then get married years later), and your mom has to deal with it all at once. Give her a little card to reassure her how much you love and appreciate her raising you and tell her your plans for you and your FI’s life together, hopefully that will give her some peace about the whole thing. πŸ™‚ I am 21 and my Fiance is 19, but my parents were married at 18, so they think 21 is just fine for getting married based on the couple’s maturity. You mentioned you aren’t getting married for lust, which makes me laugh since my Fiance and I get that question all the time (we are both saving ourselves for marriage). I wish you and your future hubby the best.

Post # 33
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I haven’t read all of your responses but I just have to say that I met my now Fiance when I was 17. I’m now 23 and he is 25. When I met him it didn’t take long for us to know that we wanted to go through life together. We had talked about marraige a lot and probably would have gotten married, but 8 months into the relationship found out we were expecting. It was important to us to focus on one life change at a time. We didn’t want the stigma of getting married because we had a baby. So we waited to get engaged until life felt right. Honestly if we didn’t have a baby at age 18 we would have gotten married. There were times in the relationship that I was glad we weren’t married so we could work through things as a non legally bonded couple. My own insecurities of does he want me because he feels obligated from babies or does he want me because he loves me. Obviously now I know lol.

Well this is a book now, but I just thought I would let you know that I know how you feel. People didn’t get it with us either. I didn’t really know the exact reason that I wanted it for life. I just knew I did. Now that I’ve been with him longer I know why and it all makes sense. I guess sometimes the heart knows before the brain;)

P.S. I know this doesn’t answer your original question. Sort of a response to other parts in the thread lol

Post # 34
3948 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m going to jump right over the young marriage topic…while I agree with many of the PPs, it doesn’t seem to be the point of your post.

I’m guessing your mom is single? (I can’t tell for sure, but I don’t see any mention of a husband), so she’s probably struggling with the idea of being alone. It’s hard not to feel guilt in that situation, especially if she’s expressing her own worries, but you need to let yourself move on with your life anyway. In the end, your mom wants to see you succeed as an adult, and she will adjust to not having her children in the house.  I promise! When my youngest brother moved out, my mom used to call me crying about how “far away” I was – I think she was really adjusting to not having kids around. It’s been awhile now, and she’s adjusted and stays busy (granted, she has my dad around to help).

While you’re still home, can you help your mom find things to do on her own – gym classes, volunteering, etc.?  This will give her something to focus on that is centered on her children.  While I know you worry about your mom and it’s hard to hear her express her struggles with you leaving, you’re going to have to accept her emotions and move on regardless. Remember that it’s not a lack of support – she’s not just worried about your future, but also what lies in store for her.



Post # 41
13 posts
  • Wedding: September 2012

I would have given anything to be able to get married at 18. lol When you know that your meant to be with someone, why wait any longer than you have to?? and she is probably right. you probably dont really know what it takes but no one does with their first marriage. Its the fact that you love each other enough to want to be together and learn it together that matters in my opinion. 

I am the youngest of two girls. My older sister moved away to college the fall after high school graduation. It has been only me and my parents for the last 5 years. My mom and I are like best friends. it will be hard on both of us when I move out but thats life. Our parents are responsible for raising us to be able to make our own decisions and to be able to stand on our own.

I definitely suggest just sitting your mom down and talking about the situation. Just tell her that sometimes what she says bothers you. 

Post # 42
2639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

Whether you were to get married at 18 or 28, it will be tough for your Mom…the last of her children to leave. And because she loves you, she’s expressing her concerns. I assume that those who tell you that you should wait are all older- it’s based on life experiences…there are so many changes you’ll go through in the next 7 years. I am old enough to BE your Mom (40), and I would be so upset if I had a daughter marrying so young- not mad, but sad, because there is so much more growing up you’re going to have in the next few years. Although your responses are lot more mature than many of the ones I’ve read on wedding bee. πŸ™‚   

Back to the point of your post- she will need something when you leave. If she’s not working, volunteer work. This may sound hookey, but if they don’t already have one, a pet could go a long way in keeping her from possibly getting depressed.

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