(Closed) My mom and the guest list (long)

posted 8 years ago in Family
  • poll: What would you do?
    Invite them and suck it up. : (13 votes)
    27 %
    Don't invite them and let your mom suck it up. : (29 votes)
    59 %
    Other. : (7 votes)
    14 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    14186 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    I would tell my mom no and to get over it. Nicely of course. But ultimately, i feel like my mom should respect MY feelings above those of her friends. Especially since the wedding is small and intimate to begin with, and having 10 extra friends there (including spouses I’m presuming?) just doesn’t work.

    Sorry i think your mom’s being selfish! The extra cost is just too much to simply ‘eat up’ and seeing as how your wedding is already small and family will be there…she needs to deal.

    Post # 4
    Member
    2289 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2010

    I totally get what you’re saying: we’re in a similar boat with the 80 and the intimate and the whatnot. This would piss me off something royal too, and I say stick with your plan of putting them on the B list. That’s a compromise and it’s completely reasonable.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1067 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    Oooh that’s tough! Honestly, if I were in your shoes I would just let her invite them with the condition that she pays for the expenses which she already agreed to do. But that’s just me. It does suck though that she was so willing to pay for the guest but not pitch in. I’m having a wedding of 150 and Future Mother-In-Law wanted to invite some of her friends, but Fiance told her she had to pay and she agreed to it. Ultimately it’s your wedding and you guys should do what makes you most happy and what you thik it’s right. Think about it this way- when you look back at your wedding is it going to be a big deal that you invited these 10 people? If yes, then say No.

     

     

    Post # 6
    Member
    183 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    Ooooh, that’s annoying! I imagine something similar will happen to us but with FI’s aunts’ guests.

    I don’t really get why parents get a guest list beyond perhaps a couple of family friends that YOU grew up with and want at the wedding. If it’s a toss up between you and your mom being unhappy at the wedding, much as you love and respect your mom, put yourself first, it’s your day and you’ll remember it for the rest of your life. If you want a small, intimate affair, that is your every right.

    Good luck!

    Post # 7
    Member
    3564 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    I would maybe only invite the friends that you’ve met before/that you know. That way they’re not total strangers. Good luck–I know the mom guilt trip well, and I HATE it.

    Post # 8
    Member
    1184 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    My mother is paying for the caterer so we thought it would only be fair to ask her to give us a list of the people she wanted to invite, so that she wouldn’t go behind our back and invite them herself. She did give us a list of about 5 of her friends. And we’ve sent her stds but if we could do it again I wouldn’t have asked her for the list it is your wedding and you don’t want to feel uncomfortable with it.

    Post # 9
    Member
    1638 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    If it’s going to make both you and Fiance miserable before/during/after your wedding DON’T DO IT. It is YOUR day not your mothers. She’ll eventually get over it and if she doesn’t tell her to stop acting like a 5 year old who can’t get the expensive toy in the store, then quote Rolling Stones and say “You Can’t Always Get What You Want”

    Post # 10
    Member
    1051 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2010

    Wow, I just got off the phone with my mom after having this EXACT same argument – for the FIFTH TIME this week (jnvites are going out tomorrow)!!  We’re payng for the whole thing ourselves (ahppily, it’s what I wanted to do), yet my mom is still trying to insist on adding A LOT of guests.  I caved early on with the lifelong group of friends my paretns have had, about 5 couples that I grew up knowing and have been to all my other events (communion, graduations etc).  Apparently that wasn’t good enough though, and my mom wants to invite the group on friends they made when my little brother played football in high school.  I was away at college during that time, so I REALLY don’t know these people at all, and have met them once or twice tops.  I put my foot down and CLOSED our list, but that hasn’t stopped my mom from guilting me about it literally every single time we talk wedding.  You’re spot on, your mother will make you miserable about this if you tell her no. 

    I think you’re absolutely RIGHT in not wanting to invite them (and my feelings would be hurt with the $$ offering only for her own benefit part as well), but as someone that lives the misery of saying no, if your fiance is on board to suck it up and invite the extra ppl, I’d just go for it.  My Fiance refuses to pay for anymore of my mom’s friends, so I deal with the weekly phone calls of her bitching and complaining.  Sometimes I’m tempted to put HIM on the phone with her…

    Post # 11
    Member
    7386 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    I’d compromise and say “you can invite any 2 (or 3) of your friends”, with their dates (as oppsed to the whole number she wants) and then let her choose who is important to her.  That way you both gave a little bit – maybe she would be better satisfied with that and it wouldn’t bother you AS much?

    Post # 12
    Member
    1566 posts
    Bumble bee

    The same thing happened to us. We let Future Mother-In-Law invite 6 friends with dates because it meant a lot to her. We are also having a 75-person intimate wedding and paying ourselves. I really didn’t want those people there. But I got over it pretty fast, and now I honestly don’t care that much that we invited them. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    1250 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    I’m dealing with this with my mom too. Unfortunately we have a bad relationship and she’s very difficult to deal with, and I have to pick my battles with her because I know she’s capable of ruining everything for me. In your shoes, I would suck it up and invite my mom’s friends (to be totally honest) but I think the “right” thing to do is whatever is best for you and your Fiance (if that makes any sense at all.)

    Post # 14
    Member
    2186 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    its your wedding and yall are paying for the majority of it – so ultimately its your decsion. its like what i tell my mom sometimes, yes its a “family thing” but ultimately, THEY HAD their day. this is OUR day (FH and I) not theirs. if they want to plan a wedding to their specifications, then fine, get married again. otherwise, its not up to them.

    with a wedding that small (80 guests) its noticiable if someone you dont know is there, its not like its a sea of faces of 300+ so i would put my foot down. As long as you arent on the hook for anything she needs to contribute, she will get over it. they arent family.

    Post # 15
    Member
    2397 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    I’d offer a compromise in this situation, much like @eeninebeans suggested.  We had to do that with FI’s Mother-In-Law… she gave us a list of 40 people (?!??!!!) that she offered to pay for if we invited them.  We told her no, and to pick 10.

    Post # 16
    Member
    5823 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I think that what would really happen is your mom will be really bitchy about it until the wedding.  AFTER the wedding it’s a moot point.  What would you rather?  Have your mom mad at you until the wedding?  Or have a bunch of pictures of strangers in your wedding album for the rest of your life?  We ended up having 2 uninvited guests who stood in the the FRONT of the group photos blocking people whom I have actually met and care about.  I don’t think I’ll ever get over it.  I wish I would have told them to leave.  80 is a small number, ten people is going to be very obvious to you.  I would tell your mom NO.  Over and over and over again.  Because she WILL get over it.  But if you cave, you might not.

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