- Ms. Sloth
- 8 years ago
- Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden
I’ve already posted on this but I wanted to bring it up again and get advice on what you all think I should do.
The boy and I are paying for most of the wedding ourselves. His family is going to chip in a bit, and my mother volunteered by buy my dress, which will be under $500. She’s been going through a tough time financially, so that’s fine; we didn’t expect her to pay anything and I’m grateful that she’s doing what she can.
But she told me that she wants me to invite five of her friends, with dates. One of them is a woman who I haven’t seen since I was probably 12 years old. One of them is my mother’s former co-worker (my mom worked with her for 15 years but doesn’t anymore. I’ve met her two or three times). One of them is a newish friend who I’ve met twice. The other two, I’ve never met at all.
My mom said that she wants me to invite her friends for two reasons. First, because she’s been invited to all of their children’s events, so she wants to reciprocate. And secondly, because it’s not just my day, it’s her day, and she wants her friends there to celebrate with her.
Now. I think that the first reason is just ridiculous. She shouldn’t feel obligated to invite anyone just because she was invited to their crap. And the second reason, well, I agree that it’s not just my day and that she is celebrating, too. But our entire family, who she is close with, who she loves, will be there. It’s not like she’ll be alone.
The boy and I want a fairly small, intimate wedding (approx. 80 people). We want every single guest to be someone we love, someone who is important to us. So having ten extra people who we don’t know is going to really make us uncomfortable. It’s just not what we want. Also, we’re on a really strict budget.
I told my mother this, and she said that she would be happy to pay for her guests. That would come out to a bit over $1k. While I appreciated the offer, I still didn’t want those guests there. Also, it kind of hurt that she said that the only thing she could contribute to the wedding was paying for my dress, and then she turned around and said she’d happily drop a grand if we invited her friends. Her offer for money is only conditional. That thousand bucks would pay for our flowers, or our tent rental, or something else for us, not for her. But unless we invite her friends, we don’t get the money. And to be perfectly honest, she’s been struggling so much with money that I really don’t want her money for anything. I’d be happier if she put it towards bills.
We’ve been debating over this for a few months, and it finally came to a head about a month ago when my mother said that I was hurting her by not inviting her friends. She actually said “Can’t you see that you’re hurting me by doing this?” And she said that we didn’t respect her or her wishes. I countered by telling her that she was hurting us by putting us in this position and that she had no respect for our wishes for a small, intimate, special wedding.
I tried to compromise by telling her that I’d put her friends on the B-list, and that we’d invite them if enough people declined. The boy and I weren’t crazy about that idea, but at least we’d still have our 80 person guest list instead of 90. That was no good for her.
She’s been making comments about the whole deal ever since, even though at the time, we’d agreed to a temporary truce and that we’d deal with it closer to the actual wedding.
The boy and I have discussed our options and it comes down to these two:
- We invite her friends. We’ll be really uncomfortable about the whole thing and will probably resent my mother a bit. She’ll be thrilled, though.
- We don’t invite her friends. We’ll feel better about the whole thing at first, but my mother will be miserable and will make it a point to let us know it every chance she gets, which will thus mamke us miserable.
So we probably give in and invite them. Either way, the boy and I are going to be pissed off, but at least this way, we won’t have to deal with my mother.
But if you were me, what would you do?