my mom asked my fi to call her mom

posted 3 years ago in Engagement
Post # 31
Member
8832 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

soexcited123 :  “that means that we are all family and that my family is now just as much family to him as his is” — no they aren’t. They’re his in-laws. Some people love their in-laws like their own parents but more people don’t and there’s nothing wrong with that. All that’s required is that he’s respectful and polite (assuming they are too). It was manipulative of you to say “I guess only your mom’s feelings matter.” His feelings also matter. And even if he’s neutral or only cares because his mom cares, in this case, his feelings hold more weight because he is the one being asked — for no real practical reason — to do something he’s not comfortable with. I recommend dropping this. Explain to your mom that he loves her but that in his mind, “mom” is the woman who gave birth and raised him.

Post # 32
Member
47187 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

soexcited123 :  Did you read your own responses? This is your last response before my post

if my own fianfe cant explain the reason to me than maybe we shouldn’t be getting married. I think you owe it to the one who you are about to marry to be 100% open and honest with them about everything and if tou can’t then you have a communication problem

He gave you an explanation. You’re just not happy with it.

There is definitely a communication problem, but it originates with you, not him.

Post # 33
Member
2658 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

soexcited123 : When on earth did this become about a communication problem? Or about being open and honest? All I said was that he doesn’t need to give an explanation as to why he doesn’t want to call your mother mum – because he doesn’t. What he calls your mother is between him and her, it’s none of your business. It’s got nothing to do with communication, or openness, or honesty. He could have responded with a plain old no and I’d still think you had no right to question him on it.

Even so, he did give you an explanation – he said he thought it would upset his mother. That explanation wasn’t good enough for you, so what else is he supposed to do?

Post # 34
Member
6883 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Yeah no sorry I have one mom and and that is my mother. My Mother-In-Law is her actual name. I do not call her mom nor call my Father-In-Law dad.  Same my Darling Husband calls my parents by their actual name not mom and dad.  Calling one’s MIL/FIL mom/dad is outdated.  

Post # 35
Member
6440 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

His comfort level is his own, and HE gets to decide how he feels. He told you he doesn’t want to call you mother “mom”. As long as he is cordial and polite, why would it matter what he called her? And, as a mother herself, how could she not understand his wishes to not cally anyone that except his own mum? I think you are WAY out of line here.

Post # 36
Member
1066 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Once you have kids you will all just call her “grandma” anyway and it won’t matter lol. When we walk in to my Mom’s house Fiance and the kids and I are like “heeeeeeeyyyy Nana!”. I would NOT push the issue with him. To be honest it’s awkward that she even asked him that. If he doesn’t want to he shouldn’t. It’s not about anyone elses feelings. It’s about respecting his personal comfort and space. I’m sure his reasons have layers too, including that it would be weird to his mother. 

Post # 38
Member
411 posts
Helper bee

K gotta say this: Your Fi isn’t hiding things from you or failing to communicate or any of the weird things you are coming up with as reasons to potentially not marry him. He LITERALLY told you exactly why he doesn’t want to in that he thinks it would be disrespectful to his own mother. Whether you agree or not doesn’t matter, that’s how he feels. But he’s not hiding anything from you. Your assertions that he needs to tell you exactly why or you will question if youshould even get married are hyperbolic and frankly, just weird.

Also I think calling anyone except the woman who raised you mom is weird AF. I would never do that, for the exact same reasons as your Fiance, it would feel very disrespectful to the woman who gave so much of herself to provide, care for and unconditionally love me.

Post # 40
Member
4910 posts
Honey bee

soexcited123 :  I’m not sure what to say about this other than I know I wouldn’t be comfortable calling anyone by MY mom, mom. I like the idea of “mom Jones”. If he’s comfortable with it, then that should be good enough.

Post # 41
Member
4026 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

btob17 :  idk I disagree with your sentiment that “most people don’t like their in laws”. I love my in laws and most people I know love their in laws as well… With that said I do agree with you that OP needs to not tell her Fiance how to feel. If he doesn’t want to call her mom “mom” then he should not have to. That decision shouldn’t make or break a relationship and seems immature to me.

Post # 42
Member
1505 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

soexcited123 :  Is it a cultural thing? I call my in-laws “mom” and “dad” because that’s what we do in my culture, where we address all elders by familial relationships, and even strangers are “auntie” “uncle” “grandpa” “grandma” etc, let alone in-laws.

It’s also easier because I speak my native language when talking to my parents and they’re called “mama” and “baba”. 

Post # 43
Member
1593 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I’m with PPs here. If it’s something you’d be OK with, you’re within your rights to call your FI’s parents mum and dad, but he’s entitled to his own feelings on the issue regardless of what anyone else thinks.

I personally would feel very uncomfortable calling anybody else Mum or Dad. I’m not ridiculously close with either of my parents, but they’re the ones who raised me and I’ve been calling them Mum and Dad my entire life. It might be silly, but I almost feel disloyal calling somebody else that.

Fortunately, I don’t think it’s expected of me (I just call my Father-In-Law, Mother-In-Law and SMIL by their first names) and my Fiance feels exactly the same way about calling my parents anything other than their first names. My parents would probably be weirded out by it too.

Post # 44
Member
7643 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Wow, a lot of bees’ answers are being coloured by their personal opinions/traditions on this matter. People need to realise that there are different traditions in different parts of the world, and even in different parts of the same country. OP has said that most of her friends call their inlaws “mom” and “dad”, so she is asking in that context, not in a context where no one does it and it’s a little weird. 

If FI’s marrying into a culture where SILs and DILs call their in-laws “mom” and “dad”, it’s probably a good idea that he does. But in the end, it can’t be forced. I suggest you encourage it without forcing it, and support him whatever he does. And above all, defend him (even to your mother) if he decides not to.

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