my mom asked my fi to call her mom

posted 3 years ago in Engagement
Post # 46
Member
2146 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

aussiemum1248 :  if it is culture then why should he adopt her culture? why shouldnt she respect his

 

thats like saying hes jewish but my parents are pig farmer so he should eat pork at their house… its just rediculous, hes not comfortable and thats the be all and end all

Post # 47
Member
7642 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

btob17 :  Because, in general, it’s good to follow the customs of the home or family you’re entering. Not to the exclusion of all else, of course. But if everyone else in the family is calling the in-laws “mom” and “dad”, and it’s not against your conscience or beliefs, what’s wrong with him doing it? I’m not saying he should be compelled to, I’m saying he should be open to it. If he’s got a really compelling reason not to, then fine. But “my mom wouldn’t like it” isn’t a good reason.

Post # 48
Member
4566 posts
Honey bee

What someone chooses to call someone else is often a reflection on the level of formality they are comfortable with or beliefs they hold and not necessarily a direct reflection of the other person.  And getting married doesn’t change decades of history and make everything exactly equal on a clean slate.  His mom raised him for decades – your mom will never be exactly equal to the woman who stayed up when he was sick, dried his tears when he was sad, and raised him to be the person he is today. Just like his mom will never be that for you.  He can accept your family to be like a part of his family,  but that doesn’t make your mom exactly equivalent to his mom to him.  There are many different titles and roles in a family – mom,  dad,  uncle,  aunt,  sister,  brother,  cousin , mother-in-law, father-in-law, brother-in-law, sister-in-law, and so on and so on. They all have different roles and we all have different relationships with each of them.

You both were out of line to automatically expect him to call her that and dismiss his feelings.  Your mom could offer it as in “if you are comfortable with it, please feel free to call me mom” but not demand or require it.  He already has a mom and he is under no requirement to call the mother of the woman he’s marrying mom as well.  He’s marrying you,  not getting adopted by her.  If you’d prefer he be your sibling and have the exact same relationship to your mother as you,  it’s probably not too late to cancel the wedding.  If he’s not comfortable calling her mom because he feels it should be reserved for his mom or doesn’t want to hurt his mom’s feelings,  that is his right and his feelings are the ones that matter because he’s the one who has to say it.  Your mother’s feelings take the back seat on this one and it would behoove you to step outside yourself to actually recognize your fiance is allowed to have thoughts and feelings that differ from your own. 

Post # 49
Member
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

This reminds me of a mom forcing a kid to call his stepfather “dad”. haha

Post # 50
Member
7642 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

soexcited123 :  “i should have clarified in my OP that yes i call his mom mom.”

That’s interesting. If she’s comfortable with that, I’m sure she’s also comfortable with her son calling your mother “mom”. You may want to gently point that out to him. 

But again, it’s also about what he’s comfortable with. Don’t turn this into a major issue.

Post # 51
Member
1293 posts
Bumble bee

I call my Future In-Laws Mr./Mrs. Lastname, which my fiancé finds weird…but I can’t bring myself to use their first names. Feels disrespectful to me. For the most part I don’t have to address them by any name at all, it just doesn’t come up all that often. 

Post # 52
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee

As much as I adored my Mother-In-Law, I could not call her mom. I actually tried once, and it was just not comfortable AT ALL. I called my Mother-In-Law by her first name. 

I only have one mom. 

Post # 53
Member
7772 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I can’t believe you are questioning whether or not you should still marry him over this. If such a minor thing is making you rethink your entire relationship then I would definitely put a halt on all wedding plans.

It is also absurd that you are accusing him of not being honest with you. In your first post you wrote, “He told me later on that his mom would be really hurt if he called someone else mom and didnt wanna hurt her feelings.”

That is his reason, and it’s the only reason he needs. It’s really immature to make such a fuss over something like this…reading into it like it’s a sign he doesn’t truly want to be part of your family…madness.

Post # 54
Member
409 posts
Helper bee

soexcited123 :  Oh, well, I mentioned that one because it’s the cause of arguments and problems in so many families. Also, based on personal experience, I know it’s the line that can drive my husband completely mad. So, even though it’s sometimes on the tip of my tongue, I always stop myself before saying it and remember all the wonderful things he’s done for my family and all the feelings of care and kindness he has for them. 

The peace and respect in a family (especially a young family-to-be) is a very tender and fragile thing. I’d think twice before letting my anger and making demands get the best of me at this point. 

Post # 55
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

soexcited123 :  You’re wrong.  He doesn’t have to call your mom “mom” and if her feelings are hurt over this that’s her issue, not his.  She’s NOT his mom, she will be his mother-in-law.

 

We’re Hispanics, he’s American.  He does call my mom “mah-mah” (Spanish for Mama with the emphasis on the second ma) and I call his mom by her first name.  I would never feel comfortable calling her mom (and she never offered).  My mom didn’t tell him what to call her, he came up with that on his own.  Her first name would have worked just fine for me.

 P.S.  when you get married your HUSBAND becomes your family and your spouse becomes more important than both your sets of parents.

Post # 56
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

soexcited123 :  Also once you’re married you DON’T have to share 100% of your thoughts.  You’re still your own person.  You still have thoughts and a personhood of your own.  It doesn’t mean you have to lie and deceive, but it’s ok to have a thought or two without sharing it.

Post # 57
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I can understand where your partner is coming from; a mother is sacred, and to toss around the title “mum” can be very upsetting for some people.

I personally have a very loving and warm relationship with Future Mother-In-Law, and I have no qualms in calling her “mum” or “mumma”. In the beginning I called her “mumma FN (first name)”, now it naturally comes out of my mouth as “mum”. My mum doesn’t have a problem with it 9and never did), as she also has a wonderful relationship with my Future Mother-In-Law and feels blessed to share such a title with a woman she respects.

My Fiance however, despite having a great relationship with my mum, had troubles calling her “mum” as he felt that title should be held for the woman who dedicated her life to him and I respected that as you can’t tell someone how or what to feel. I never once pushed him to call my mother “mum” (even though my mum always referred to him as her son), one day he came around and when he called her “mum”, she cried. It was really emotional for us all.

Be kind always…and remember that we all take ownership of our own emotions. Good luck bee and I hope there’s a happy ending for you all! 

xx

Post # 58
Member
8434 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

soexcited123 :  

Not your place to ‘calmly tell’ him anything like that . If a person only wants to  call their own mother mum/mom that is entirely  their  right –  and they should not  be guilted into feeling bad about  either! Plus you are not married yet,  so  she is not even his mother in law  .

You were completely out of line.

Post # 59
Member
7905 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

He has the right to decide how he addresses his Mother-In-Law. I think nowadays it’s more common to refer to your in-laws by their first names rather than as Mom and Dad. Either way is ok though. I would let it go. I like the idea of finding special non-mom/dad names for the in-laws to emphasize their important roles in your life. 

Post # 60
Member
9718 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

My Father-In-Law wanted me to call him dad after the wedding. We’d been together for 8 years and I’d always just called him by his first name. I told him absolutly not. I have a dad and he’s not even close to that role in my life. I would have been pissed if my husband hadn’t back me up on this (luckily both he and my Mother-In-Law told my Father-In-Law he was out of line). You should let this go. Who he calls mom or dad is his choice.

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