my mom asked my fi to call her mom

posted 3 years ago in Engagement
Post # 106
Member
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

soexcited123 :  “i disagree that he should care more about his mom’s feelings more than my moms or my feelings. We are all about to be family not to mention im going to be his wife shouldn’t that account for something? Mommy cant always come first”

Arent you being hypocritical?  He is going to become your husband so shouldn’t his feelings come first before your mom?  Cause like you said – “mommy cant always come first”.  

I suggest you reread what you wrote above because clearly it shows that you have the expectation that he should place your mother above his own.  And that’s just plain disrespectful towards his mom.  She’s the one who raise him and and you are literally asking him to value someone else (who had no to very little impact on his upbringing) more because YOUR mom is more valuable to you. 

As harsh as it may sound – you are the pot calling the kettle black.  You aren’t viewing his family the same light as yours.  Otherwise you would show the same respect and understanding to his mom as expected you would to your own mom.  And you know what – that is normal.  Because your ILs can never replace your immediate family members.  The love is different.  And at the end of the day you know your parents will have your back and his parents will have his.

Post # 107
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

soexcited123 :  You and your mom are not one person. This has nothing to do with your feelings. If anything your moms feelings could be hurt. Do not insinuate that he is putting his mom above you – because he is not.

You keep saying here that you apologized to him big time – and the next sentence is all about how you don’t understand why what you and your mom are asking for is wrong. This is not an honest apology. Do not apologize unless you truly understand and accept that you are in the wrong. Everything else is just a charade.

Post # 108
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee

soexcited123 :  They are my parents, they didn’t raise her. Are you saying that if someone went around calling my Fiance their boyfriend I shouldn’t care?

Factually, my parents are not her parents, Factually, my Fiance isn’t their boyfriend.

I’m not saying this in a jealous or protective way, I just think its wierd and cringy.

Post # 109
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee

soexcited123 :  Yes exactly everyone’s point, your mum’s feeling shouldn’t come for your husbands. Your husband has said he feel uncomfortable, so respect his feelings rather than putting your mum’s feelings above his.

Post # 110
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

soexcited123 :  Right, mommy can’t always come first… wait we’re talking about your mom not coming first before his feelings, right?

Post # 111
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

soexcited123 :  I usually think Americans are overdoing the whole therapy thing a little, but this combined with the post about your sister suggests that you have real difficulty putting yourself in the shoes of someone else. Counselling could definitely help there, and I am saying this with only good intentions. 

To answer your question, you don’t have in-laws yet. Your FI’s family will be your family-in-law, and law only. If you get divorced or her dies, they would only be connected to you through hypothetical children – but they would not be connected to you. They might act as a “second set of parents” but that is their decision and it is the right of the child-in-law to decline. Your are both adults, you should be done being parented.

There is nothing wrong with calling PIL mom or dad, but if he is not comfortable with it, stop pushing it. That is not for you to decide, you are clearly not respecting his privacy or boundaries. It makes you sound petty and immature, and as if you have a lot of personal growing to do, which is probably not the impression you are going for.

Also, punctuation. Please.

Post # 112
Member
741 posts
Busy bee

soexcited123 :  “but i dont think your moms feelings should come before your wife’s”

 

You say this, however essentially, you are putting your mom’s feelings before your husband’s. 

You should take a step back and cool off before talking to your husband about this again.  It’s perfectly normal to not want to call anyone else ‘mom’ and it’s definitely not acceptable that you or your mom are the ones dictating who your husband gives this title. 

Post # 113
Member
1741 posts
Bumble bee

soexcited123 :  She hasn’t asked them to stop because she’s too nice and doesn’t want to ruffle feathers. They do far worse than call her “mom” so she let’s it slide.

Post # 114
Member
7371 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Red flag for him. If you are this obtuse on this minor issue, he’s got a bumpy road ahead of him. 

Post # 115
Member
1149 posts
Bumble bee

soexcited123 :  “but i thought once you marry you become family. My fbil i see as brothers”

This is how YOU feel. It’s not fact. Not ALL people see it that way. Stop trying to shove your opinions on your SO. He doesn’t see it that way. If you can’t even understand that and respect his feelings, then what’s the point?

Post # 116
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

All I can say is my mum would be absolutely offended if I called Future Mother-In-Law mum, and I couldn’t imagine calling anyone else the title but the woman who raised me. So I agree with you Fiance on this one. 

Let him do what is comfortable to him. 

Post # 119
Member
11592 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

soexcited123 :  that’s the kind of spirit that bodes well for your marriage. It takes a big person to apologize and see things from s totally different perspective. Good for you bee. 

Post # 120
Member
9569 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

soexcited123 :  yay <3 I agree 100% with what BalletParker said.

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