(Closed) My mom disappeared. . . .I has a sad vent. Long.

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Oh man, I’m so sorry she’s been such an absentee Mother.  Its really hard to realize that parents aren’t always good at their job.  I think if I were you, I’d tell her every single thing I’ve always wanted to tell her, but I’d do it in an email (so she can’t interupt and so you can take your time in making sure its all there).  From there, leave the door open for her but make no more attempts.  I know this is hard, I hope the relationship improves. 

Post # 4
Member
671 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

Wow.  The woman sounds toxic.  If she is not bringing anything positive or supportive in your life, then you are best served to just move ahead with your Fiance and leave her behind.  She has made her choices (all of them bad, it sounds like) and you cannot change her.  She is who she is and she’s going to continue on a path different from yours.  Don’t let her suck you in to her debt, her bad choices and her bad karma.  Stay away!!!  You don’t need her influence and your kiddo certainly does not need it.  You, Fiance and kiddo are all you need! 

And don’t waste your time and energy on yelling at her.  Take the high road.  Hold your head up.  You’ll be glad you did!!!  Stay strong!!!!!!!!

Post # 6
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Man, I’m sorry you are going through this – I can’t imagine how hurt and frustrated you must be. I can’t offer any personal advice, but can tell you what my mom told me. My mom’s mom was/is much like yours (except, she is also an alcoholic, and showed up drunk several times when I was a baby which is what prompted my mom talking to her). My mom sat her mom down and told her upfront (but calmly), that her behavior was unacceptable, and now that she (my mom) was an adult, my grandmother’s behavior would no longer be tolerated, and in particular, that she could not tolerate my grandmother being absent and emotionally abusive to me. She also told my grandmother that unless she changed, my mom wouldn’t have much else to do with her – that she loved her, but couldn’t allow her toxicity to continue running her life.

We don’t all get the relatives, including parents, we deserve, and I can completely understand still wanting your mama – I still need mine!! If you can’t get the mom-daughter love you need from your mom, can you refocus that energy into your child? I’m sure you are already an awesome mom, but maybe do even more activities together – just you and your child? Or is there any sort of support group you could join, or activity club you could join to meet more women who might be in the same situation you are?

Again, I’m sorry you are dealing with this. She sounds toxic, even if she is also your mother.

Post # 7
Member
238 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Having 2 parents with similar behavior, all i can say is run and don’t look back.  Don’t expect anything out of this woman, she’ll just disappoint you.  You made yourself who you are and you owe it to you, your Fiance, and your child to keep this toxic woman out of your lives.  It was hard for me to admit that I’d never have a “mother” the way I wanted, but letting go of that dream allowed me to appreciate the other things I DO have.  I’m sorry you are going through this. 

Post # 8
Member
4024 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m sorry you have to deal with that. I think it is in your best interest to move on and not make an effort. Maybe someday she will grow up and realize and then maybe you guys can sit and talk. But you need to focus on your child and Fiance and your guys’ life as a family. Be the mom that you never had.

Post # 9
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee

I would agree with the other bees. Having a father like this, and always having considered myself dady’s little girl, it’s hard to do. But if you keep trying to mend this broken relationship, it will impact your other relationships. In spite of all of your efforts, it just seems like she cares about herself and is willing to hurt everyone else to get what she wants. I’m sorry you are going through this, but with a wedding and a child, it seems that your real family is there now, I would embrace that and let go of her.

Post # 11
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Ugh. Your mother sounds like mine, but mine is also an alcoholic. I came to the realization years ago that my mother both needed to apologies for her behavior when I was a child/teenager and that she needed to step-up and be a better mother. I had it out with her over the phone one night and told her that if she continued in the vain she’d been in since I was little, that I would cut all ties to her and never speak to her again. I never got the apology, but after refusing to speak to her for well over a year, cutting her out of my life, she’s stepped up. She is not now, nor will she ever be, the kind of mom I need or want and she’ll never be able to make up for my horrible childhood, but she’s trying to be a better person for all 3 of her kids now. One step at a time, i guess.

What I am trying to say is that you ought to just come out and tell your mother all the horrible, terrible things she’s done over the years and the negative impact she’s had on you (and your sister!). Lay it out. Doesn’t matter how- e-mail, facebook message, phone call, in person- whatever makes it so you can say it all, and honestly. Tell her to shape up or get the F out of your life before she poisons and breaks your child’s heart too. Then follow through. If she fails or refuses to make improvements, cut her out. It hurts, a lot, to cut your mom out of your life, but it doesn’t hurt nearly as much as the pain she’s inflicted or the pain she could yet inflict upon your child.

Good luck. This is a very difficult topic to struggle with. *HUGS*

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