Post # 1
My fiancé and I have been together for years, own a home together, the works… So when we got engaged everyone’s reaction was ‘finally’. It seems that both of our families are more excited for future grandchildren then our wedding.
Neither of our families can afford to help us with the wedding cost which is fine, I understand. What bothers me is that when I call my mom to talk and wedding planning comes up she tells me she’s surefianceand I have it under control, never asks details or offers advice.
We are having a getting to know you party for both sides of our family at our house (mid point) the Sat after Thanksgiving and my mom refuses to come a few hours early to help clean/cook/decorate… She didn’t even offer to bring a side dish Or anything. Since this is essentially an engagement party, I feel like someone should offer to help us, even if we pay for it and it is at our house.
i guess I’m just disappointed. It’s not about the money, it’s about being excited for us and wanting to do something nice to celebrate us! I don’t know what the problem is!
Post # 3
Does your mom know that you don’t expect any financial contribution from her? Maybe she is afraid that you will discuss weddings, and then ask for financial help. Or maybe she is just upset that she can’t follow the tradition of the bride’s family paying for the wedding.
Or maybe she just isn’t that into weddings, or is more traditional and thinks you should have waited for the house, etc til marriage?
Personally my mom wants to see me married, but would never sit around and discuss flowers, details, favors, etc. She’s a tomboy at heart, really.
I don’t really have advice, but if there is someone else in your family who is excited about weddings (sister in law, aunt, cousin, close friend)? maybe try to bend their ear with your plans. Or come here, us bees will be happy to chat with you!
Post # 4
I understand how disappointed you must be. Do you and your mum have a close relationship? Could you tell her honestly about your feelings and how you wish for her to be more involved?
Post # 5
- Wedding: March 2014 - Brazil Room
Do you have a date officially set? Sometimes people have a rough time getting excited about anything until they can see it in the near future on their calender. (My Boyfriend or Best Friend says that he’s that way and totally won’t get excited about ANYTHING until it’s the day of).
Maybe you just need to have a heart-to-heart with her and let her know not that you’re disappointed… but that you really are happy to have her in your life and want her support. Maybe take her with you dress shopping.
I personally almost had a meltdown in the video store the other night because I’ve been an orphan since I was a little girl and was dwelling on how I wouldn’t have a mom to help me out to plan my wedding 🙁 But I guess it happens with people who have moms too.
Post # 6
@Sa7208: I think you need to try to understand (or better yet ask) what her perspective on this is. Do you think it’s at all conceivable she’s embarrassed she can’t contribute financially? And as a result, she’s avoiding the conversations? Even if she’s not embarrassed, she may think she doesn’t have the right to be involved.
I also could be way off base. But you’ll never know if you don’t talk to her. To me, this is a simple conversation. “Mom, I really want you to be more involved in the wedding plans! I feel like you aren’t too excited. Can I ask why?”
Post # 7
I agree with PP about discussing openly about the financial aspect. I’m my mom’s only girl and she gets upset about things I give no ish about because she’d love to give me a Royal Wedding if she could. I showed her a beautiful dress I totes will never buy nor seriously consider and she was super short about it, later I found out she just felt sad because she loves me and wants to make sure I get what I want but could never contribute to a gown like that.
I think in this economy so many parents/loved ones/pals see weddings (completely non viciously or intentionally) less as celebrations and more as a financial hit. Maybe you can invite her to peform tasks that won’t involve anything to do with money like a DIY project or a cake tasting ?
Post # 8
Honestly if I’m having a dinner at my house I don’t expect anyone to help and I wouldn’t get upset if someone didn’t offer anything either. This is your engagement, your wedding and your dinner. Yes, it’s nice if people especially family will help sometimes (personally, I’m ecstatic that FI and I are doing it alone without family interference!) but it’s not a requirement.
You are already completely established with your FH. Your mother has probably thrown dinners over the years (think Thanksgiving,Christmas) with no outside help and figures that you are capable since you’ve been on your own for years.
Post # 9
@Luayne: the reason it’s at my house is that mom offered, invited everyone, and then changed her mind. Instead of canceling we just decided to have it at our house. It’s beyond her not offering to Help, she’s complaining that se has to use an entire day off to come to the party, that she has to use another weekend day to dress shop, etc. for some reason she’s turNed negative towards everything.