(Closed) My mom has cancer.

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
571 posts
Busy bee

@MLDoddie:  Praying for you and your family. I lost my mother five years ago to cancer and miss her dearly but am glad she is no longer in pain. I would be honest, but as comforting as possible when discussing it with her. My heart goes out to you.

Post # 4
Member
4284 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@MLDoddie:  I am so sorry you are going through this. I HATE cancer. It’s not fair. I wouldn’t say anything at this point. Maybe she is waiting until these next tests to see how much it has progressed before she brings it to you. Hugs!

Post # 5
Member
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

I would give her a week or two to tell me and then I would confront her about it.  She may not want to burden you but you deserve to know so that you can make plans and spend as much time as you can with her.

If she does have terminal cancer, please get in touch with a family support group to help you through this time.  It helps to have people who have gone through it before so you can be prepared.

Post # 6
Member
690 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’m so sorry, Cancer has taken away 3 of my family members. 

But honestly, I would say something. I know that everyone will disagree with me, but hear me out.

My FI’s mom passed away 4 years ago due to cancer. And she didn’t tell ANYONE she had it, she thought she could cure it on her own and when she was cancer free she would tell someone.

My Fiance always thought something weird was up, (she went down hill fast during her last year) but he never wanted to talk to her about it because she didn’t want to talk about it. She didn’t want to worry anyone. So now my Fiance regrets everyday she didn’t say something because he has so many scientific ties to cancer research that he’s sure it would be different if he had talked to her about it. 

I think your mom may be mad at first, but she can’t be upset with knowing you care.

Post # 7
Member
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I will not confront her, I now you are an adult but as a mother myself I will not want to worry my child. My sister, who was extremely closed to me died 3 yrs ago from cancer, she was almost 31. Be there for your mother that is the only I can recommend. I was holding my sister hand went she passed away(she died at home).

Post # 9
Member
5177 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

I am sorry about your mother’s diagnosis. My mum had Stage III breast cancer a few years ago, when she was 47. It was pretty scary for a long while as my grandmother and great grandmother both died of cancer at young ages too (not a very cool hereditary trait to get to inherit). She is doing well though today, about 6 years later. I know that is not possible for your mother, so I am not sure why I am sharing it, just to say that I know when I was afraid of losing her (and it was a very strong likelihood there for a while) I felt alone, and scared, and also wanted to know everything I could even though it would not change anything. 

Honestly, I don’t know if I would confront her. While I understand you want to know as you care about her and are concerned, this may also be something she wants to keep private and close to her right now. While you may want to know, the truth is you don’t have a right to know unless you are put in charge of her medical care.  What you do know is she has a terminal diagnosis, and that the tests were not very good. I would just let it be for now and let her process and do what she needs to do right now (further testing and the like).

I would just be there for her if she IS ready to tell you. Don’t let your hurt and anger at her not telling you impede that.

My thoughts are with you, your mother and your family.

Post # 10
Member
3765 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@MLDoddie:  My grandmother didn’t tell me the first time she had cancer because I was just starting college and she didn’t want me to worry. I was so upset, but looking back on it, she was trying to take care of me and protect me, even in her poor health. I let her know I was hurt, but I quickly let it go. Your mom is trying her hardest to protect you and take care of you, even though she’s the one needing some caregiving right now. I would let her know gently that you know what’s going on now, and that it’s time for you to take care of her, now.

Post # 11
Member
670 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I’m very sorry about your mom.  My father had cancer.  It was so hard.  I was living in Saint Louis at the time and my parents were in Kentucky.  I felt helpless.  By the grace of God I was able to get a job and come home to be with them during that time.

My parents waited a bit to tell me things, after appointments.  As if it was going to be easier to tell me news.  It was bladder cancer.  My dad ended up having his bladder removed it had spread so quickly.  He went through chemo and all that it entails.  We had the talks as things were touch and go for a while, but somehow, his time here was not done. 

Give your mom a little bit of time.  One of the hardest things for my dad was wondering how my mother was going to be able to survive if he wasn’t going to be around anymore.  Another thing was once it was decided they had to take his bladder and he wasn’t going to be able to pee normally anymore there was those issues, taking a peice of him and coping with those things… I say this because there is a lot that your mom is feeling and experiencing that you do not understand.  And that is okay.  Please don’t be mad at her.  Just love her and be there for her.

It’s hard I know.  i’m tearing up as I write this.  My thoughts and prayers are with your mom, you and your family.

 

Post # 12
Member
2359 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

How horrible.

my aunt just passed away recently of multiple myeloma but it was only 2 weeks from the day she went in to the hospital till the day we took her off life support.  They couldn’t figure out what was wrong with her until 2 days before we made the awful decision but at that point nothing could be done and she was on life support.

if I were you I wouldn’t say anything.   She was only lying to protect you.  I would just let it be and continue to be there for her and spend time with her as much as possible.

 

 

Post # 13
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I’d say something after Friday.  I know how you feel.  I was in college and my dad had major surgery, my grandmother had a stroke and my younger brother was in a near fatal car accident and I was told none of the above until the year was over and I was home for the summer.  I was pissed that all these things happened and no one said anything.

What I am most pissed off about, still, after years, is that my mother passed away by herself, and I never made a bigger effort to spend time with her.  She had a heart attack in our home and I would give anything to have known she was sick, to have that time to spend with her, to ask those questions you keep meaning too, and she probably has things she wants to say to you.  I wouldn’t so much CONFRONT as mention, and don’t be angry, she was protecting you and most likely trying to wrap her head around her own situation as well.  (((HUGS)))

 

Post # 14
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@MLDoddie:  I kind of went thru the same thing with my mom, the kinda part being she also had terminal cancer (all cancers are different), and she ‘lied’ about her progression along the way.  SHe was not truthful about the progession, and/or what she knew about her prognosis. 

Since her passing, I have put a lot of thought into how she chose to communicate her battle to her adult children.  Anger because had I known what she knew, would I have done ‘more’, or made different decisions about my time with her.  Sadness because I hate to think about her externally protraying a strong, steadfast woman, but perhaps internally scared to death to leave us.  Resentment because how could she NOT tell her own adult children the truth, and everything in between.

Here is where I came to peace about it all – and this after the fact, after confiding in a close confidant about what she knew after her passing, rather than knowing about the lies while she is with us…

I love and respect her for never ever giving up the one ‘job’ she put more effort to than any others, and that was a mother – a protector, a person whom always made things better for her kids, even when we were adults.  I have peace in knowing that although she could not tell us, whether it was out of fear of admitting it or out of strength in protecting us, she told close confidants (just like your mom has shared with your dad).  And thru it all, even after some regret(s), the ‘I love you’s’ I told her never waivered.  They were never out of pity, because we really never knew the whole truth, but from our hearts.  She made her decision, and I have to respect it, because it was her decision to make.

I guess that is my advice to you is let her decide how she wants to go about things.  My advice to you is do not change a thing about your relationship with her, because she maybe made the decision to have things go unchanged for you all.  My advice to you is to take the new knowledge you have (albeit not from her), and cherish every moment. 

I am sorry this is so long.  All my wishes and prayers to you and your family.

Post # 15
Member
50 posts
Worker bee

She’s probably stressed enough and doesn’t want to add your worry to that stress.  I would wait until she tells you on her own time.

 

I’m very sorry for your situation, I lost my mom 8 years ago to cancer and all of it at the end was so terrible.  I would suggest seeking counseling for yourself, I had serious anxiety issues after my mom’s passing, and I wish that I would have taken advantage of some of the free grief counseling sessions offered at the hospital. 

Post # 16
Member
2743 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Disney

@MLDoddie:  I thought Bone marrow transplant was an option for Myloma

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