Post # 1
My mom hates weddings. It’s not that she hates my wedding, or my fiance, or anything like that, she hates all weddings. She believes in marriage, and is still married to my dad, but they had a courthouse ceremony and she feels all of the expense and “hoopla” surrounding weddings is silly and a waste of time and money. She’s actually never been to a wedding aside from courthouse ceremonies and a wedding in the 80’s where it was at the church with punch and cake after. The idea of our wedding, with a cocktail hour, a dinner (buffet) and dancing has her upset and/or intimidated, possibly both.
Knowing this, it didn’t surprise me when she didn’t want to take part in planning (or paying) for the wedding. So I’ve done all of the planning myself (with help from FI) and he and I are paying for the majority of it (his parents are helping, about 20% worth). I have also caved on things that sort of bugged me, but didn’t really matter in the long run – such as having our invitations written as if my parents were hosting the wedding when they really aren’t, buying my own shower gift for my mom to “give” me at the shower to keep up “appearances” while her not having to buy me anything as she does not want any expense related to the wedding. I’m even buying food and dropping it off at my parents house the weekend of the wedding so she doesn’t have to go to any expense feeding my Aunts and Uncles that will be staying there (her siblings). And while those things are petty, and hurt a little bit, today has really upset me to the point that I just feel like throwing my hands up in the air and saying, I give up, I’ll never make you happy.
Today I learned that despite telling my mom about the rehearsal dinner, she must have tuned it out or misunderstood. She thought it would be just my fiance and I and my parents. She’s now upset/annoyed that she’ll have to spend “another night dealing with relatives and the wedding”. I honestly thought she’d be happy that two dinner meals would be covered the weddiing weekend so she didn’t have yet another meal to fix (with food I would have brought over). Instead she now has “another evening to dread”. She is also dreading my shower and my bridesmaid luncheon, though I’ve told her she doesn’t have to attend.
I honestly don’t know what to do about this. Any thoughts on how to handle? On my wedding day I’m going to be stuck thinking about and knowing that my mother is miserable and doesn’t want to be there. I feel like if I could go back in time and start all over I’d stick with my original thought of eloping (which we didn’t do b/c it would have crushed his mother).
Post # 3
I really dont have any sound advice on how to deal with the situation but wanted to say my mom isnt too big on the idea of spending big dollars on a wedding. She thinks we should just go down to Justice of the Peace just like her and my dad did. I guess thats why I dont really talk about it much with her. I figure just let her show up and be surprised like the rest of the guest. I would just add I wouldnt worry too much about your mom and most likely she will enjoy the day just by seeing you happy. Its you and your Fiance day and I am sorry but thats what it is important! Good Luck dealing with this and dont let it get you down.
Post # 4
- Wedding: June 2010 - Tannery Pond at the Darrow School
Yikes, those are pretty strong reactions on your mother’s part, I can see why you’re so hurt! Have you mentioned this to her? Has she ever apologized for any comments? I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, it’s a pretty tough situation…
Post # 5
I’ve tried talking to her, even tonight, and all she did was point out that I should have known she wouldn’t be happy.
She never apologizes for this type of comment. To give a non-wedding example – I was in a horrible car accident about 1 1/2 years ago (I am pretty much fine now). She and my dad met me in the ER where I was drenched in blood. When it was time for me to be discharged, she asked the nurse if they could clean me up or wrap me in a sheet so I didn’t bleed on their new car (and pointed out it had beige seats). It was more upsetting to hear that than it was to be injured in the wreck! And after the fact when I tried to point out how much it hurt, all she said was that at that point they knew I was going to be fine so why not worry about the new car getting stained.
Post # 6
I have to say that it sounds like your mom has a problem with more than weddings. It seems like she doesn’t want to have to put effort into your wedding at all. I’d say ignore her and just have fun or tell her that you’d prefer that she’d not show up at the bachelorette and the shower and to heck with appearances.
Post # 7
wow girlie.. she sounds like a “character” i definitely wouldn’t have included her name on the invite though. that is a sign of respect and honor and if she didn’t want it, then she shouldn’t have it…
((HUGS)) are all i have to offer because i have no advise to give at all 🙁
Post # 8
This sucks and I feel for you.
I agree with @Toffee- this sounds like it has way more to do with your mom in general then just the wedding. It’s seems like her “practical approach” to situations hurts peoples’ feelings….which really should concern her.
I’m curious as to why she would care about having her name on the invites or “giving” you a shower gift to “keep up appearances” if she thinks that all the hoopla is crazy. Why would it matter to her?
I have a friend who’s mother was REALLY unhappy with her choice in Fiance and she refused to come to the shower, participate in planning, etc. When this MOB walked down the aisle at the church, her face could have curdled milk. This was CONSTANTLY remarked upon by the guests (she was SCARY) and really, only made the MOB look like a crazy person.
So, my only advice to you is that you need to do whatever keeps you sane in this situation. If that means continuing to buy food and telling her she doesn’t have to come to things, etc. so be it. If it means telling her that if she can’t be polite, come to events, and focus on the fact that you are marrying your wonderful Fiance then she has to keep comments to herself and maybe reconsider coming at all, so be it. She has to understand that if her attitude makes you miserable then you’re not going to want to be around her. She’s the one that is missing out. Your mom not coming to stuff and acting like this wedding has personally offended her will just reflect on her, not on you.
Whew…that was long. 🙂 I hope this helps a bit. Watching my friend go through this was hard on my group of girlfriends…and I feel awful this is happening to you. She managed to keep smiling and have a great day, despite her mother (who loosened up at the reception). You can do it too!
Post # 9
*hugs* that stinks. I’m in the same camp as cre in terms of not letting her put up appearances at your expense. If she’s going to openly disapprove of a wedding, let her openly disapprove of the wedding; appearances shouldn’t hold her back. Let her take a stand against the WCC (wedding corporation complex) and face the music of all her relatives- which shouldn’t matter cause she apparently doesn’t care enough to feed them.
As for the other events that she is “dreading,” flat out tell her not to come. She might regret it in 20 years, but it’s better that she not come than having her sulk in a corner and ruining your day for you.
Post # 10
i’m so sorry this is happening. i’d just like to say that hurtful as it is, your mom doesn’t have to like your wedding – as long as you are happy that is what is most important – i know it is going to be hard but try to just consider the source of the comments when she makes them – she sounds like she’s not to happy about anything really.
Post # 11
Honestly, if I were you i’d stop doing anything that pretends that she’s happy with the wedding. Stop talking to her about it except to tell her where everything is/when it is, and that she’s free to show up if she’s not going to be negative or cynical.
If she shows up to anything and starts complaining, have one of your BMs ask her politely, upon your request, to tone it down or please leave.
I don’t think you need to worry about not hurting her feelings anymore. She’s already hurt yours pretty deep, and it’s time for her to know that her actions have consequences.
Post # 12
No advice, but just wanted to let you know that my thoughts are with you. I am sorry that you are having to deal with this. I do agree with some of the above posters that you should stop trying to make it seem like your mom is supporting the wedding (buying food, the gift, etc.) because it seems like it makes things harder on you. Try to cheer up. You have a wonderful wedding day to look forward to. I wish you all the happiness in the world! Stay strong lady!
Post # 13
Thanks everyone! It’s been so frustrating, I’ve tried so hard my entire life to make my mom happy and I swear it feels like nothing ever works. I am at the point where I just want to call and tell her not to come if it’s that big of a deal. 🙁
Post # 14
That sounds so hard. I’m really sorry that you’re dealing with this. It sounds like your Mom is on the extreme side of practical, which can be very painful.
It doesn’t seem to matter to her whether she’s there or not since she’s viewing it as just a party. In that case, perhaps ask her to come to the ceremony and if she’s comfortable be in the pictures, and then let her know she can leave.
Post # 15
Oh wow, I’m so sorry, it sounds like an awful situation. I fully agree with Toffee and crebre that you should just let appearances be what they are. There’s no point in sugar coating it for everyone else to think that she really cares if you’re upset underneath it all. Big hugs because I really don’t know what else to say but I hope you manage to figure something out!
Post # 16
do you think your mom might have asperger’s? She sounds so unemotional, to the point where it’s very unusual.
Though I think your mom is an extreme case, I think lots of mothers (and grandmothers) had much simpler weddings, so they’re resentful and confused by the hoopla in today’s events.