(Closed) My mom is being…

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
9640 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@kateisstoned:    ((HUGS))  Sorry she’s being like this.  If I were you I would tell her everything you just said in your post.  Tell her you need her participation and support.  Lay down some ground rules with her.  Let her know if she continues to violate your boundaries and hurt you like this the consequence could be her not being allowed to participate in your wedding.  Be firm with her while at the same time understanding her obvious limitations.

Post # 4
Member
1399 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@kateisstoned:  Include her by sending her emails & photos of and calling her about decisions you’re about to make or have already made, but don’t count on her to show up to appointments or do anything actually useful.

Post # 5
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

My mom was also a flake through my planning process… She said she wanted to be involved, but as soon as you ask for help it would fall apart. It also created a lot of drama and tears.

Honestly, I don’t think talking about it helped. It just created more tension. My honest advise is to change your expectations of her. Continue to offer and invite her, but then let her back out and expect it. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t care or doesn’t love you, she’s just not a great planner/supporter. People are who they are and while I think you can say, this is important to me, I’d really like you to be there, you have to let her make her own choices and accept them or you’ll be caught up in the drama and miss out too.

Post # 6
Member
4275 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

My mom is the same, but for a different reason. While wedding planning she was a complete nightmare. She is very bitter after her divorce and dosn’t believe in marriage. She told me to my face that getting married is stupid. She was not excited at all about anything.

However, when I talked to her about how her attitude was upsetting me and hurting my feelings…she turned it around on me, telling me I was selfish and how dare I and blah blah blah.

Eventually I stopped talking to her about any wedding plans and did a lot with my Mother-In-Law instead who was very excited and supportive.

When my dad showed up to walk me down the aisle, my mom threw the biggest temper tantrum in the bridal suite. This was in front of everyone in there. My girls surrounded me and whispered to me not to worry about it. Now…I take their advice. It is pretty sad that it has resorted to this, but I pretty much gave up on her after that. I really tried to give her a chance because she is so neurotic and thinks I never involve her in anything and that I am a horrible daughter. Well… I have became a pretty blunt person from it all I think.

Sorry, I wasn’t much help but that is what I did personally. I just had enough. Why should I subject myself to being around someone like that?

Post # 7
Member
2605 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@kateisstoned:  Aw, I’m sorry.  I think the best advise I can offer is to realize this is who your mom is and proceed accordingly. In other words, you have to let go of the fantasy of who you want your Mom to be and learn not to be dissapointed or hurt when she is who she is.   You have to decide if including her and dealing with her flaking on you and being critical is preferable to not including her at all.  Neither choice is going to be what you want so decide which would make you happier or the least unhappy. 

You can try to talk to your Mom again but rather than venting and giving her an opportunity to make it all about her,  simply tell her how much it means to you for her to be by your side as you go through this once in a lifetime experience and that it won’t be the same without her.  Tell her you want this to be fun for both of you – that you want to make happy memories.  Maybe suggest that if she has a critisism to voice it once but then please accept your decision.   Or, when she does have something critical to say respond to her calmly that you’ve heard her but you’ve decided on X so you’d like to focus on Y and Z now. 

Good luck. 

Post # 8
Member
1834 posts
Buzzing bee

I am answering this with the view that mom is a guilt-tripper.  Is that correct?  I say that because you mention she cries and says what a terrible parent she is and then she does it all over again.

I’m a 3 time MOB.  I was also a 2 time bride that had no parental involvement in my first wedding at all.  That’s a long story.

I think you should change your tactic and  your expectations.  You said she is the reason you didn’t want a wedding in the first place.  She is not going to change because you are choosing flowers, dresses, and cakes.

She has flaked out.  Go do these things without her.  When she asks, you can sit her down and tell her you were tired of her making promises and flaking out and your weren’t going to allow yourself to be repeatedly.  That is setting boundaries.  You need them with her.  Also let her know that you aren’t going to allow her to hurt your feelings anymore with her criticism of your wedding choices.  Set tough boundaries that you can stick to and she just “might” have a wakeup call.

Remember the definition of insanity here.  She has done this repeatedly and you seem to  expect something different to happen.

Call a good friend or relative to go with you to venues and vendor appts.  When she sees you won’t put up with her behavior anymore she might change her tune.

Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
998 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think society puts this idea in bride’s heads that a wedding is the perfect bonding experience for mothers and their daughters…but in reality it just is not the case for a lot of brides. Can you have your fiancé participate in the wedding planning process more to make up for your mom’s lack of support? And remember…you always have us!!

Post # 10
Member
11234 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Bleh. Emotional manipulation is awful. 🙁

@OtterHalf:  Agreed. I had zero expectation that anyone would be involved in planning my wedding, and proceeded as such. People have offered to help here and there, but I don’t need it at all. My mother hasn’t even congratulated us on the engagement! Then again, I’m sure she saw my (very modest, though large in our family) ring and wondered why I keep telling her that I have no money to give her (uh, because Fiance paid for the ring?). Selfish twat.

Post # 11
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

It sucks I know my mom sucks and has hekped me zero, then she keeps saying she cant wait till its all over, just do you its still your say and you cant let anyone ruin it for you. Thats what im trying to do.

Post # 12
Member
4687 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

Oh my goodness! Sounds like your mom has some emotional sensitivities!! I would keep her at a distance; seems like she can’t handle the responsibilities. I’m sort of in the same boat as you. Not fun!

Post # 13
Member
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@hermom:  Agree with all this.

I’ve been married twice before.  First wedding was the whole big deal, church wedding, sit down reception, etc.  My mother was a total and utter bitch from hell during the whole process.  Even on the day.   

Second wedding?  I didn’t even invite her.  

Decide whether your desire to have her involved is worth the stress and upset her flakiness is causing you.

 

Post # 14
Hostess
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@hermom:  This +100. Exactly. OP,it sucks that she’s like this, but this is her. You know this and this seems like more or less normal behaviour for her, based on your claim that you kind of saw it coming. Adjust your expectation away from what your ideal is, and on to what you realilistically have to work with. Set boundaries and keep them! It will seriously help in the rest of your marriage. It’s really hard but has taken me a long time to do this with my family. Slowly, I’m getting a good grasp on what I CAN include them in, and taking it little by little. 

hang in there.

Post # 15
Hostess
8579 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I understand how you feel, my mother is the same way. Although we have many, many more issues than just that.

She kind of picks & chooses when she wants to get excited.

When we first got engaged, she didn’t congratulate us.. and still hasn’t. This kind of hurt, but whatever, these things happen.

Then, she told, “You know I won’t be able to pay for your wedding.” I never even mentioned it.. she’s told me since I was 10 years old that she wasn’t going to pay for my wedding, so no surprise.

I show her everything I’ve purchased, and she usually just tells me that I’m spending way too much and I should have a backyard kfc wedding – because thats what she had.

It’s really caused some friction.. i’ve just got to he point where I inform her of large decisions, such as venue or food, and let it be that. Everytime I’ve asked her for help [even just deciding what favors to get], she tells me I’m making too big of a deal about it.

 

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