(Closed) My mom is driving me nuts

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2550 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

My brother and SIL had decided to elope w/out family.  @ the last minute both myself and the Moms were invited.(I was the driver).  My SIL was thrilled to see her daughter marry.  So, is there anyway that you can invite the Mom’s only.  The only reason I suggest this is it is a special event for everyone’s parents. 

Even though I don’t have a relationship w/ my Dad, I did invite him.  It was precious to me to have him say that I looked stunning and my dress was amazing.(My Dad doesn’t know what a compliment is). 

So if you can invite just the Mom’s, that should please both Mom’s.   

Post # 4
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I don’t see why you have to do anything that makes you unhappy. If you want it to be just you, don’t let your mom guilt you into it.

Post # 5
Member
3482 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I would try and explain to her again that the ceremony that feels right for you and your Fiance is a private moment just between the two of you, where you can truly just focus on each other and this step you are taking in your relationship.

If she still can’t even try to understand why that’s important to you, then declare the topic of your actual wedding off-limits with her. If she tries to bring it up, interrupt her and tell her it’s not up for debate, and change the subject. Maybe once she figures out it’s a done deal and no guilt-trip or martyr act on her part will affect your plans, she’ll ease up. But don’t hold your breath!

Post # 7
Member
2550 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

My brother and SIL had decided to elope w/out family.  @ the last minute both myself and the Moms were invited.(I was the driver).  My SIL was thrilled to see her daughter marry.  So, is there anyway that you can invite the Mom’s only.  The only reason I suggest this is it is a special event for everyone’s parents. 

Even though I don’t have a relationship w/ my Dad, I did invite him.  It was precious to me to have him say that I looked stunning and my dress was amazing.(My Dad doesn’t know what a compliment is). 

So if you can invite just the Mom’s, that should please both Mom’s.   

Post # 8
Member
5761 posts
Bee Keeper

I don’t understand why you ‘don’t get’ the fact that this is a big thing for a Mother. She’s probably been there for every one of your life’s big moments, and to exclude her from this one is of course going to upset her. I’d be having a fit too!

Maybe some MOG’s aren’t as emotional about their sons getting married, but most MOB’s certainly are.

Post # 9
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

We don’t want to get caught up in the details.

Most people avoid that by just eloping – the fact that you’re basically having a do-over of the ceremony and having a big reception when you get home means that you’ll have just as many details and just as much (if not MORE) drama than if you just had your ceremony at home before your reception. Sounds like more work, actually, not less.

I would probably do away with the reaffirmation of vows if you guys go this route – you will of just said your vows, and it’s not really a way to include people in the ceremony, because as your mom has pointed out, your actual ceremony will of already happened and they will have been left out. That is completely your decision if you want the ceremony to be just the two of you, I can understand that, but I think that you need to at least acknowledge your moms’ feelings of hurt that she won’t see you get married. But I still don’t think having the reaffirmation is appropriate.

Post # 10
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@sre411: Good thing your Fiance isn’t Mormon and you’re not having a Mormon wedding.  NO ONE but the priests (or is it bishops?  ah, heck, I’ll call it ‘the Council of 12’) are there when the couple gets married/blessed.  My Fiance told me this because HIS FAMILY ARE MORMONS!!!!  No, we’re not going the Mormon-route :P.

My point is, if you were having a Mormon wedding, she wouldn’t be there to see you walk down the hall anyway.  

I’d just say “this is what we’re doing and we’re not changing our minds”.  And let her stew.  She’ll either get over it or stay mad; either way, it’s HER choice. 

Post # 11
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@ItWasntMe: I sort of agree with this.  While I think it’s your wedding and you should do what you want, I can see it from your mother’s side too.  I don’t think it’s right that she’s trying to guilt you into anything, I’m just saying that I can see that she wants to see that moment.  She probably has thought about it many times over the years and now you are “changing the plans” so to speak.  I can see how this would be difficult for her.  I think try to be more empathetic to how she is feeling.  Maybe ask her why this is bugging her so much?  Apologize to her that you aren’t doing this the way she sees it happening, but this is the way you want it.

Post # 12
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: June 2003

@Zinzerena: I’m not sure why you decided to bring the Mormon Church into this discussion, but your comments deserve some clarification.  It sounds like your Fiance must not understand very much about the LDS Church and what’s involved in Mormon weddings.

Any family member who is temple worthy may attend a wedding in a Mormon Temple.  I had dozens of members of my family and my husband’s family in attendance at my wedding ceremony.  The person who performs the marriage is called the sealer.  He’s called that because he has the authority to bind a marriage together on earth and in heaven.  I just thought I’d toss in some clarification.

Post # 13
Member
3255 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Despite what some PPs have said, I don’t think you should change your plans to elope on your own. It sounds like you and your SO have definitely agreed that this is what you want, and you don’t want to look back and wish you had just done it the way you wanted it to be originally.

That said, try to understand where your mom is coming from. She doesn’t have a right to yell at you or treat you poorly, but this maybe just came as a huge surprise to her that she didn’t expect. You are her baby girl, after all, and while that doesn’t mean you have to do whatever she asks, it does mean she feels especially emotional about you.

Why don’t you see if the two of you can spend a day together in the near future shopping, going to the spa, getting lunch somewhere nice… something like that? It can show her that you appreciate and love her, but this wedding is just something you need to do your way. 

Good luck!!

Post # 14
Member
834 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@sre411: I agree with Squeak35, maybe you could just do your parents? They’d have to pay their own way if they want to go, but then they’d get to “see you”, and you’d still have a romantic ceremony. You don’t have to have a reception, just run off and do your own thing, let your folks get pished elsewhere. I can totally understand why she’s so hurt, and you’ve probably considered that, but please, put yourself in her shoes. If I were her, It’d mean so much to be able to see you get married. It’s something that’s very special. Just think about it, okay?

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