(Closed) My mom is dying and I don't know how to cope!

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I am so so so sorry. My heart is breaking for you.  I havent lost my parents so I can’t imagine the pain you’re feeling. I just wanted to send some love and *hugs* your way.

Post # 4
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

@MRS-K: First off, ***HUGS*** and prayers are being sent your way.

I have not lost a parent so I do not know what that is like specifically. I have lost many many people in my life though, so I know what you are going through. It is veryyy hard to cope with it all and it is something that you will grieve for a while. When my grandpa died, it was so hard to go to their house for deer hunting and holidays the first year…it still creates some anxiety and it has been almost 6 years. I saw him in the end when he was confused, in a lot of pain, and didn’t remember how to even suck water out of a straw – that was the hardest thing for me…..to watch someone who was always so strong, seem so weak. But I know he went to a better place, and does not have breathing issues anymore…he is happy and can do all the things he couldn’t for the last couple years. I still miss him a lot, but I know he is okay…and I know that I am okay. He is watching over me all the time and helping me through the struggles in my life. Your mother will be up watching over you too ๐Ÿ™‚ She will be there listening to your thoughts.

I am also a hospice nurse so I take care of dying people…I have been drawn to it for years and finally took the plunge. I could never have asked for a better career. It has helped me become more comfortable with certain aspects of death. Here’s what I’m going to tell you from my own personal experience and from watching families….make sure you take care of yourself through this time, tell your mother that you love her frequently and talk to her about anything that she might want to talk about, make sure you are going into this with the mindframe that you want her to be comfortable so if they need to give her medications and whatnot to help calm her down or decrease the pain and make it easier to breath – don’t fight it, and when you can tell it might be near the end – tell her that it is okay and you will hurt but you will be okay…and that you will help make sure your dad is okay as well. I have found that a lot of people that are dying are “waiting” for something, whether it is to be alone, see a certain family member or whether it is to hear someone say something.

It will be very hard to see your mother go, but please know that it is okay to reach out for help…it is okay to cry (and a lot if needed)…it is okay to hurt and to grieve…and it is okay to not want to let her go because she is such a huge part of your life. In time, you will  be able to come to terms with it and accept that she is in a better place and not suffering anymore.

Again….***HUGS*** Please keep reaching out if you need someone even if it’s just to talk. I’m always here, as well as the bees.

Post # 5
2052 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@MRS-K:  I am so sorry. My husband lost his father to cancer a few months after we married. He had battled it and it was in remission for over 10 years. Then it came back. We got word he wasn’t well, and within a week and a half he was gone. That time, and the weeks, months and years after, were so difficult, and things still are difficult in many ways. We coped by focusing on each others needs, one at a time. Being gentle with each other. Setting up many fun and funny things to do to balance out the hurt. And of course, being there to just let each other cry and hold each other when needed. You do it because you have to do it. And you’ll be all the stronger for it but it does suck while it is happening. The aftermath adjustments are another story, and we’re still in the midst of all that but again, we’re doing it and sticking together because that is what we do as a family.

Post # 9
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

@MRS-K:  Palliative care is very symptom based…it will help ease the pain and if she’s having trouble breathing (morphine and dilaudid for example), they can give her medications (haldol works great) to help with her hearing voices, etc. It will become very hard for you, even moreso than now….but it will be okay. You will get through this and you will always have the memories of her. If the cancer has spread, which I would think it has, that is probably why she is having trouble walking and talking, etc. Start to get in the mindframe that you want her to be comfortable if you have not already. You won’t want to see her in pain or uncomfortable…that’s sometimes even worse. During this time, pull your family together…don’t push people away because you are hurting. Turn towards your husband and other relatives to help you through this, and to help each other.

You are very welcome! I hope the best for you and your family. Please come back if you need anything….or send me a private message if you want ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m always here.

Post # 10
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m so sorry that must be terrible.  The Darling Husband thing must make it even harder.  It sounds like you are doing the  best you can, hang in there!

Post # 11
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I am so sorry. It is never easy.




My Mom had cancer and I was her caregiver. I decided to put her in a hospice facility because it was too much for me to do alone(and she was falling down almost daily) If you have a hospice facility, check it out. They saved my life. Made Mom’s last 8 weeks safe and she loved it there! They gave me so much support during and after. Their greif concilorwas amazing!




If you are having hospice come to her house, ask them if  they have any reading material or greif counceling.




Enjoy the time you have left with your Mom. Dont let anything be left unsaid. And I would try to smooth things over between her and you Darling Husband. You want him by your side at the funeral for love and support. And she should accept that. Forgiveness is a wonderful thing.




Post # 12
1844 posts
Buzzing bee

I am so very sorry.  I lost my parents as a child, lost my guardians to cancer, my wonderful Mother-In-Law to cancer, and also one of my brothers.

Hospice is the most wonderful thing on the planet when have to walk this road.  They not only took care of my loved ones, they took care of all of us.  There are not enough kind words to do them justice.

Nicolelyn’s words are spot on from my seat as a caretaker of a cancer patient, and a family member too.  How very kind of her to chime in here.  Is your family religious?  If so, do you have a pastor or priest to help you through this?

One thing I will encourage you to do is let others help you.  People will come up to you and ask if you need anything.  It is so common to say “no, thanks, we are ok.”  No your aren’t.  Do you need some snow shoveled?  Laundry done, dog walked, groceries picked up, dry cleaning picked up, kids taken to the park to let off some energy?  When people offer it is because they want to – take them up on it.

It is paramount that you take care of yourself as you go through this.  You need to eat nutritious food, get sleep, and get some excercise.  Even if you go out and do a power walk because you are mad at the world, it will do you a lot of good.  You HAVE to take care of yourself.  If you don’t you will be exhausted and sick.  You can’t take care of her in that shape.

Hospice impressed upon me with each of my loved ones that they would always be able to hear me.  Talk to your mom, even if she can’t talk back.  Read something she likes.  Hold her hand.  My Mother-In-Law loved it when I would put some nice lotion on my hands and rub her back.  

The unfortunate bottom line is that she is dying and it is time to make her comfortable and manage her pain.  Is she dying?  Yes.  Is she living right now?  Yes, and you need to make the most of it – whatever that means for her and for you.

My Mother-In-Law chose to go to a hospice facility as she wanted things to be as easy on the family as possible.  We could go anytime we wanted to see her, spend the night with her, fix her meals ourselves, whatever we wanted.  They were incredibly wonderful.

I am so sorry for your circumstances – I know what a hard road this is.


Post # 13
438 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@MRS-K:  First off, I am so sorry you are going through this. It is the hardest thing in the world to watch your parent die- especially before their time. My mom passed away August 2011 at 53 (stage 4 colon cancer). I think the best you can do is try to have a heart to heart with your mom and explain to her how much her approval means to you and the circumstances of you telling her negative things about your Darling Husband (ie: Didn’t SHE ever confide in someone). The thing is- mom’s especially- hear the “rants” and never the raves. Reinforce that those are the EXCEPTIONS to your relationship and you told her to release steam. Let her know that you love him very much it that he loves her as well and wants to be with her during this difficult time. Honestly, it may not work at all- she has a lot on her plate, but it couldn’t hurt.

I know when my mom was in hospice she was very out of it. She had no control anymore- and that is SUCH a hard feeling. I imagine that THIS is something she has control of and she is trying to hold on to it. I hope she comes around, but in any case try to hold the good moments near and dear to your heart and don’t leave anything unsaid. I wish I had told my mom more how much she meant to me during her last months…but at the time I thought it made it all too real- now I regret it more than anything. My heart goes out to you and I’m so in awe of your ability and willingness to care for her and give up so much even under the uneasy circumstances. You are a good daughter.

Post # 14
2052 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@MRS-K:  Hugs! I’m glad my words brought you some comfort. I hope you, your mom, and your family are managing okay, and wish you a very happy new year.

Post # 15
473 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Maybe you could share some Bible verses with her on forgiveness? Not only will it help to resolve issues of animonsity between your So and your mum, but it may give her some peace of mind.




I feel like God was drawing me to this verse for you to show to your mum:




Jesus Comforts His Disciples ] “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. John 14:1-3 NIV




This is a comforting verse that gives us, that believe in Jesus, hope that after this life we will be in God’s home – to a better place. 


Here are some encouraging and important verses on forgiveness:


Colossians 3:13 NIV

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Matthew 6:14-15 NIV

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Ephesians 4:31-32 NIV

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Matthew 18: 21-22 NIV

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times? “Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”

2 corinthians 2:5-8 NIV

If anyone has caused grief, he has not so much grieved me as he has grieved all of you to some extent—not to put it too severely. The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient. Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him.

1 corinthians 13:4 – 6 NIV

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

Speaking about your relationship problems to others is not advisable as first of all, it should be sorted out between you and your SO, and also because it leads to the person whom you are talking to feeling suspicous and hostile towards the one you are complaing about. Saying that, it so easy to say things :


James 3:8 ESV / 193 helpful votes

But no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.


Now, you need to help your mother to achieve peace for her own sake and also for yours. 



Post # 16
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I’m so sorry! Sending my thoughts and prayers to you and your family.

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