My mom is giving FI and I a hard time because we want a small rehearsal dinner

posted 3 years ago in Guests
Post # 2
Member
47281 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

monkey84 :  If FI’s parents are paying, they get to decide the guestlist, not your Mom.

Post # 3
Member
860 posts
Busy bee

monkey84 :  I agree with julies1949. If they aren’t paying for it then they can’t just add on 20 more mouths to feed that someone else has to pay for.

If your mom really feels that strongly would she be willing to pay for the extra 20 guests? Or what about having an early dinner for the extra 20 people somewhere else and then having your rehearsal dinner later?

Post # 5
Member
47281 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

monkey84 :  If your Mom insists on hosting the OOT’s she could invite them to coffee and dessert following the smaller Rehearsal Dinner that you would prefer.

Post # 6
Member
1087 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

Or she could give a day-after brunch. But she really has no say about the guest list for a party she’s not hosting.

Post # 8
Member
2448 posts
Buzzing bee

MOG X2, and we honored all requests by the brides’ families both times. I think it’s mingy and unkind to exclude close family who have traveled some distance to attend the wedding. We also included SOs for all of the wedding party.

 

Post # 9
Member
551 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

These relatives feel close enough to YOU to travel from out of town to celebrate your wedding. Assuming your FIs parents want to accommodate this request I think it would be rude to exclude them.

Post # 10
Member
4562 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

We had a small rehearsal dinner, but followed it with an open invitation for a bonfire, drinks, and snacks for anyone who was in the area already (hosted it in my parents’ backyard). I have a much bigger family, much of it Out of Town, and I didn’t want to ask my ILs to host all of them, so this was a good compromise.

Post # 11
Member
6944 posts
Busy Beekeeper

monkey84 :  If you are drawing the line at aunts/uncles on one side it makes sense to do so on the other as well. 

Post # 12
Member
12683 posts
Honey Beekeeper

If it’s not a question of money or space, personally I do think it’s nice to include the out of towners. Most of the weddings I attend as an out of towner do this now. 

But it’s not up to me or you. Your in laws are hosting and get to decide based on their budget and their own considerations. Inviting only the immediate family and wedding party is perfectly acceptable etiquette-wise. 

What I personally would not do is mix the two groups so that you have party guests all dressed up with people showing up for a casual event. That makes it all too obvious that there was a nice rehearsal dinner to which the out of towners were not invited. Plus people will still be talking about it. 

She could, however, rent a hospitality room in the hotel where the out of towners are staying as a casual place for them to gather for coffee or dessert as jules mentions. If you or she want  to stop by for a few minutes, fine. 

I would probably just do a next day brunch. 

Post # 13
Member
1528 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I’m having a similar dilemma. My Mother-In-Law told me she wanted to invite the wedding party, immediate families and out-of-town family members who are coming in for the wedding. This seemed pretty reasonable to me, but my mother wants to include all of her friends from out of town that are traveling in as well. I’m not even including MY out-of-town friends at the rehearsal dinner. I tried to explain to my mother that to include ALL out of towners would be 70% of the wedding guest list! She feels like her friends will feel snubbed if they aren’t included, but I really don’t want over 100 people at my rehearsal dinner… It’s not a question of money; my Future In-Laws told us they aren’t worried about the cost no matter how many people we invite. I have a while until my wedding (June 2018) so we haven’t figured out what we are going to do yet. :\

Post # 14
Member
2406 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

It does seem like some sort of exclusion has to be done. If one side wants the out of towners there, then does the other side get its out of towners too? Let the mushrooming commence.

It seems silly to let it grow until before long, all the guests who will be at the wedding the next day, will be at the Rehearsal Dinner the night before. Unless that is what everyone wants, in that case, tell them to knock themselves out.

Post # 15
Member
1029 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I think it’s important to choose a relationship cut-off and treat both sides of the family equally. I would *not* invite aunts/uncles from one side and exclude aunts/uncles from the other side.

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