Post # 1
Hello new friends from a new-bee! I have been reading lots of posts and it seems you are all very wonderful, so I was hoping for some advice/support here.
I come from a ridiculous divorce that’s still going on after five years, and I’ve always been ‘closer’ with my mom. She’s wildly inconsistent though, and one moment is all “YOU’RE MY DAUGHTER I LOVE YOU AND WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY!” then the next is, “I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE ANYMORE, I DON’T WANT MY NAME ON THOSE INVITATIONS AT ALL” (from when she offered to pay for our wedding and we asked if she wanted that to reflect on the invites). (PS, she recanted that offer a few months after she made it. We hadn’t asked for a penny, so we’ve paid $15k for our 43-person wedding.) My wedding is in Maryland, and she and the rest of my side are in Chicago. She and my brother are the only ones (of 12 total family members of my side) not coming to the rehearsal dinner, saying they can’t afford the extra night, my mom can’t leave her dog, etc. She is literally coming in the morning of my wedding and leaving the next morning. She is also throwing me a catered party in Chicago to include extended friends/family members in August, getting repairs done to the house before this party, and now she just emailed me to ask about getting her hair/makeup done for the wedding.
So now I’m offended, my fiance is offended, my fiance’s awesome dad who is throwing this is offended. She is obviously not a reasonable person. My big question is, do I explain how much this hurts, or let it go, let her action speak for itself in front of the rest of the family and my new family, and let it further distance us for the future?
Post # 3
Honestly – I’d let it go. There is no reason that she needs to be at the rehearsal dinner. Obviously I understand that you want her to be there but forcing the issue is only going to cause drama that you don’t need that close to your wedding. And she is right that it is quite a bit more expensive to come in a day earlier – another hotel night, another rental car day, flights may cost more, etc (although I still would make it work to attend a daughter’s rehearsal dinner – but you can’t dictate how your mom chooses to spend her money – although you don’t have to agree/like it).
I have BMs who can’t make it to the rehearsal/rehearsal dinner and they’re actually in the wedding. I understand – things happen and they don’t always work out the way we ideally plan them.
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this because, as I said, I very much understand why you’d want your mom to be excited and to attend these wedding related functions!
Post # 4
My mom is pretty similar in her inconsistencies. Over the years I have learned to let it all roll off my back, which has helped! Unfortunately, there isn’t much you can do about it. My own dad is coming the day of the wedding and leaving right after. Not the best thing ever, but unavoidable.
Post # 5
Is it possible she is saying she won’t come for you to grovel at her feet to show how much you love her? You said you come from a terrible divorce. My MIL pulls the “You love your dad more than me” crap all the time.
My MIL didn’t stay for the dinner…she wanted a margarita instead. I later found out from DH that she said she would not come if we were serving Italian. Even though she wanted us to change our menu to suit her, we didn’t…DH thought it was a bit ridiculous. Her loss.
Just try to enjoy the evening without her. Some people have different priorities.