(Closed) My mom just admitted she will never like me as much if I'm fat…

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
4846 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Maybe she’s projecting on you. Eitherway, she’s an asshole. Feel free to inform her of that fact seein show she’s such a fan of honesty 

Post # 32
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

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novalee :  Oh bee, I am so sorry.

This hits a nerve with me for several reasons. I have struggled with my weight my entire life, whilst every other female in my family tree has to work to keep weight ON. Also, just last week, my stepdaughters own mother just said to her, she would LOVE her more if she were skinnier. Like, what the actual F*CK ??!! Is this a THING now that mothers say to their daughters?! I have a daughter myself and I cannot even imagine. Its so sickening and sad.

I wish you luck with your relationship with your mom. And congrstukations on your upcoming wedding. Maybe once the dust settles, invite her for lunch then just tell her like it is. Moms or not, bullies are gross, and wont stop til you put them in their place.  

Post # 33
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 1997

Your mother is a bitch.

Post # 34
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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novalee :  Oh bee, I know you’ve already had some great responses but I wanted to chime in with my support too. 

It sounds like your Mum loves you and doesn’t have bad intentions, but boy oh boy what a horrible and terribly damaging thing to say. As someone who has struggled with weight and is in the thick of it at the moment (pardon the pun…) I appreciate all the horrible things that little voice in your head tells you about what other people might be thinking and saying about you, so I can only imagine that to have someone say something similar out loud must feel awful. It’s such a shame, because that voice is dead wrong 99.9% of the time. Please don’t let this one very warped expression change the way you see yourself.

The majority of the time we are our own worst critics – most other people couldn’t care less what we wear, whether we have blemishes, or what we weigh. It’s a shame that your Mum seems so focused on something so trivial (from an appearance point of view, obviously there are different concerns if it impacts your health but it doesn’t sound like that is what’s happening here) and I expect it reflects more on her own issues and/or insecurities than it does on you.

I think in order to assess this situation objectively, you need to think about what you would do if she was talking about something different that wasn’t as sensitive. How would you react if she had instead said to you ‘I loved you more when you ate peanut butter’? I suspect you’d laugh, have complete confidence in your ability to be the exact same lovable person while not eating peanut butter, and you wouldn’t give it another thought. Apply that here. I have no doubt you’re the same amazing person you’ve always been and if your Mum’s struggling to recognise that then she’s going to have to sort out her issue. If it ever comes up again, I would tell her politely but firmly that discussions regarding your weight and/or body are strictly off limits and you will promptly end any future conversations or interactions that head in that direction. 

Hope you are taking good care of yourself and finding a way to shake this one off. Thinking of ya!

Post # 35
Member
832 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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novalee :  my response would have been “Really?? As a mother, your love for me, your daughter, is based on what I look like??”

Please don’t let it get to you bee…..these are her own insecurities that she’s projecting on to you. 

Post # 36
Member
9773 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Your mom is a bitch.

 

Post # 37
Member
97 posts
Worker bee

I am sorry this was said to you. How very hurtful coming from your mother. I hope you can realize that what other people say is about THEM and not YOU. I also hope you realize that your outer appearance has nothing to do with your value or worthiness as a good human being.

I would kindly suggest that you get comfortable with boundaries with your mother, and speaking up when she says inappropriate things. I would suggest saying something like “I don’t like that. Please do not comment on my body, and I would appreciate if you refrained from doing so from now on. I will not continue any conversation involving such talk in the future”, and then change the subject. If she continues, you have the right to end the conversation, hang up the phone, leave the house, etc. Your body is your business and you have a right to shut negative body talk that is directed towards you down.

If you need help establishing boundaries, and not internalizing hurtful things your mother says, I suggest seeing a professional therapist who can help with that.

I hope you can appreciate your body, no matter what size and shape it may be, for the wonderful things it can do for you. See the beauty in it. Thin is okay. Tall is okay. Fat is okay. Short is okay. In between is okay. Everyone is blessed with a different kind of body. You can look many different ways and be healthy and happy – and THAT, my friend, is what matters. I hope you find joy in your body, happy movement, and nourishing & nuturing foods.

Post # 38
Member
6951 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Unfortunately, your mother clearly has her own issues and no capacity to recognize that she should keep them to herself and not pass them along. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this just before your wedding and from your mother. My mother has some weight related issues, too, but, thank the gods, she has managed, for the most part, to keep them to herself.

I’ve got some amazing friends who are part of the body positivity/ fat activism movement and hearing the points they make has really made me more vocal with my friends and family that it is not ever okay to make someone feel their worth is attached to the size of their bodies. And, unfortunately, size is something people feel surprisingly free to harass others about.

Check out The Body is Not an Apology. They’ve got some beautiful writings from a diverse community of people who are committed to the idea that we deserve to love our bodies and be at peace with them. Period and without apology. Maybe you might find something there to shore you up after this assault on your confidence from someone who should be loving and supporting and encouraging you, not tearing you down.

I know and love someone who has been battling with her weight for about as long as I’ve known her. It seems like such a stressful and unhappy way to live. I hope that you can let your mother’s extremely unkind words just be a reflection of her own issues and not take them on yourself.

You will be a beautiful bride.

Post # 39
Member
4227 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom

I’m actually estranged from my abisive/narcissistic Mother (who said hurtful things like that to me for years) so reading things like this make my blood boil a little more than it probably should.

I want to tell you something. I was thin and my Mom bullied me whenever I put on so much as a POUND. She’d often ask me if I were pregnant, or tell me I had a fat face. Truthfully I looked like Olive Oyl from Popeye…and the issue was with HER and not me…when she was my age she was even skinnier than me, and now she’s overweight. After our relationship ended it took me a while to learn to love my body.

Well guess what? For my wedding I DELIBERATELY gained weight. I have always idolised the thick, voluptuous figure, but could never realise that body goal before because of my Mom and her constant badgering. When I walked down the aisle with my fat thighs and sassy curves I felt SO womanly and empowered! 

My point is IGNORE that bitch! REAL women have curves. You are going to look like a modern day Marilyn Monroe walking down the aisle! Like I always say, Meat is for the man…bones are for the dog!

Post # 40
Member
1064 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: South Lodge. 2nd of Dec 2017

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novalee :  wow, your mum should love you just as you are regardless, I have Lipoedema it’s a genetic condition, I wonder how your mum would feel, if you had it and she had passed it too you.  She so needs to stop being so vain, life is far too short. 

Post # 41
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2014

your “mom” is a cunt.  And I use the quotation marks because a true mother loves her children regardless of what the numbers on a scale say.

Post # 42
Member
1270 posts
Bumble bee

WOW. Your mother sounds shallow. Don’t place your emotional eggs in her basket anymore, seek validation from people that actually show you love and support (like your FI).

Post # 43
Member
9578 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

my mom says I weigh too much as well.. Im 5′ 5″ 135 lbs… Im not going to diet just to get her approval and neither should you. Youre the only one who needs to approve of your own damn weight. sorry/not sorry I dont weight what I did at 21. Im so sick of family thinking they have the right to comment about someone elses body. Would you say that to a friend? No? Then fuck off and dont say it to me.

Post # 45
Member
700 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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novalee :  these types of threads come up on at least a biweekly basis on Wweddingbee:

OP’s family member tells her that she needs to lose weight.  OP turns to the Bees who immediately tell her that said family member is evil and that she looks beautiful no matter how big she is.  It’s wwhat’s inside that counts.

If any bee, like me, dare state that maybe OP’s family is concerned about her health, she is met with contempt and called a fat shamer, etc.

Likewise, there are the bees who come on to talk about eating disorders brought on by judgmental mothers, etc.

OP, none of us know you.  None of us know how heavy you or how it is affecting your health.  None of us love you even a smidgen like your mother does.  Maybe she is saying what she is saying because she is worried about you?  I find that to be much more likely than that she doesn’t love you.

For all the talk of eating disorders, I see more and more obese young women and virtually no anorexics.  Being fat isn’t just about looks, it’s about your life expectancy and daily quality of life.    

It’s your body, your life.  If you’ve come on here to hear that you are perfect by a bunch of strangers who have never met you, you’ve found the right place.  If you want an honest assessment about your health, go speak to your doctor and/or a nutritionist who can help you achieve a healthy weight, if needed.  

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