Post # 1
My Mom has lots of jewelry, she’s loaded. She has two pairs of diamond stud earrings, and without me asking for them she’s always said that her plan was to have one pair reset and give them to me on my wedding day, they would be mine forever at that point. The other pair she will not be passing down, she wears them everyday and does not plan to part with them.
Well she just called me at work to ask if I would be upset if she gave them to my oldest sister instead. As a present for having her 3rd child. My oldest sister actually already has diamond stud earrings, she is 35 and very well off. Owns two homes and long ago purchased herself a bigger pair than the ones my Mom is passing down.
I tried to tell my Mom this and she just argued with me. Saying she assumed they were fake and still wants to pass down her earrings to Oldest Sister. I told her, fine, do whatever you want they’re yours to pass on. But I’m so upset! Oldest Sister has already received $150K for a down payment from our parents in addition to her big lavish wedding years ago and several expensive jewelry items. And this is her 3rd child!! I haven’t gotten any money for a down payment (have been saving furiously), never received any jewelry from my Mom and was really looking forward to finally getting something passed down to ME on my wedding day.
I know it sounds bratty, but I”m so upset! I don’t know when it will ever be my turn I hate being the youngest! I’m always overlooked and overshadowed by my older siblings who are pumping out kids left and right and ‘been there, done that’ with the whole wedding thing. 🙁
Post # 3
I’d be upset too.. I feel that way in my family, but I’m the oldest. Maybe she will change her mind, but they’ll be a little tainted then. Just hold your head up high, because you are making your own life, not being given a life like your siblings. It’s not as easy but you can be extra proud of yourself for your accomplishments..
Post # 4
Sounds extremely frustrating and painful, which is only compounded by the fact that there’s nothing you can do. You’ve told her how you feel, you’ve told her that you wanted something from her to wear on your wedding day, the rest is up to her on that front.
Meanwhile, concentrate on YOUR wedding, and making it all about you and your Fiance and the love that you share and the life you will build together. Try to take her out of the equation as far as money is concerned. It’s only going to drive you crazy.
Post # 5
I know where you’re coming from. I’m the middle child, and my older sibling has been married 3 times and has a child. My younger sibling just recently had a kid as well. My parents still help support both of them and their families, while I paid my own way through college (only one in my family to graduate from college), work to pay my own rent, and before last year when my parents offered to pay for half, was saving to pay for my own wedding.
It took a long time for me to learn that it’s not my parents caring less about me or not loving me as much, it’s that they think I’m more responsible and mature and can take care of myself without their help. It’s actually a huge compliment! As for the earrings, does she have no other piece of jewelry she could give you? If not, I would calmly explain to her how important it was to you to wear those on your wedding day. I don’t think you’re being bratty, you’re hurt and not sure the best way to talk about it with your mother. To be honest, I’d leave your sister (and how much money they’ve given her/she’s made) out of it. Just speak true to your feelings about how important it was to you.
Post # 6
Wow that sucks. My mom has a sapphire ring she received for her 13th birthday from my grandparents that she recently had CUT OFF her finger and resized so I can wear it for my wedding in 9 months. She couldn’t wait to give it to me, I cried. Thankfully my older sister didn’t want it (she wants the diamond) so no fighting.
If I were you I would say something to my sister. She obviously is well off and has her own earrings. Maybe you could say I really wanted to wear mom’s diamond earrings on my wedding day but she’s giving them to you. If she’s a good sister and already has a pair I would hope she would tell your mom she doesn’t need them and she should give them to you. Is your sister nice like that?
Post # 7
It’s pretty crappy that she got you all excited about being gifted them for your wedding and then changed her mind like that. I’d be really hurt too. The only thing I can think that would semi-redeem her actions is that maybe she plans to buy you your own pair as a gift for your wedding? My question for your mom is: Why does having a third child necesitate a gift of diamond earrings? Shouldn’t she be given a crib or baby clothes or something?
Post # 8
Thanks everyone for your kind words.
@Soon2Be – Yes, my sister is very nice. But she’s not involved in any of this, I’m 100% sure she never asked for the earrings and doesn’t want them. And at this point I only want them to go to the person my Mom intended to have them, I wouldn’t want my sister to just give them to me.
I don’t even care about the earrings, I can buy my own, I’m just so hurt that no one in the family seems to care about my wedding. Ironically, my sisters are providing more support/giving me more attention than anyone. We are constanatly making huge deals over my brother and oldest sister for having kids (there are already 7!) and I get engaged and it’s no big deal. My parents jumped at the chance to give all 3 of my older siblings down payments for their first houses and never once offered to help me out. So here I am struggling to save, packing lunches, cutting back on everything and they never had to do that.
Post # 9
I would be upset, too. It’s one thing if she would have just decided to give them to your sister, end of story. But she already told you that she was giving them to you to wear for your wedding day! That’s the rub, in my opinion. And I don’t think it’s bratty. Sure, there are a lot of people out there who don’t even have diamonds to be passed down at all, but the point is something everyone can understand — it hurts. Regardless of the object in question, your mother was going to give you something sentimental and then decided to give them to your sister where there is obvious less of a sentiment there, as she already has her own. It sucks, but don’t be down on yourself for feeling this way. Try to concentrate on the good parts of your relationship and the exciting things you’ll wear for your wedding. It can’t make up for it, but I hope it helps!
Post # 10
I’d be upset, too. I know your email comes across a little bitter/bratty, but I think it’s perfectly reasonable to be upset because it sounds like she’s in general more giving with your sis. I’ts hard for parents to play even stevens sometimes (my brother was mad they didn’t pay for his college but the rule was go to a 4-yr university and pass and they’d pay and he didn’t…) but it’s simply unfair to do SO much for one child and not the other.
Not to mention. It’s one thing to give a gift to your daughter for a baby….but a third baby when you’ve already promised said gift to yoru daughter for her wedding day?
That’s just really crappy. Maybe you can ask your sister to borrow them for the wedding? She may just give them to you, but if she’s a giving person, she may really like having you borrow something!
Why did your parents pay for her wedding years ago and not yours?
Post # 11
@Amaryllis, yes that’s exactly what’s bothering me. She had already promised them to me on my wedding day and just up and changed her mind, deciding my sister’s 3rd child was a bigger deal.
@Ejs, my parents are actually paying for my wedding. I am upset that they’ve already given so much to my older siblings, especially her, that after promising the earrings to me I didn’t think it was fair to do that. Also, I’m sure my sister would either give them to me or let me wear them on my wedding day but I don’t even want them anymore. The whole point was that they would be passed down to me on such a special day, I don’t actually need them.
Post # 12
you say your mom has lots of jewellery, could it be that she’s decided to give you something else and wants to surprise you?
Post # 13
I totally agree. It’s ruined the loveliness that comes with having something special passed down.Maybe your sister can bring up how hurtful it was to do that. It really sucks when your big important event gets shoved aside for a grandchild-in-the-baking.
I hope they help you out with your house, too.
Your mom must not know what an “indian giver” is =(
Post # 14
@ejs4y8 – not really digging your last “indian giver” comment. quite offensive actually.
Post # 15
i would be upset too. the earrings are clearly just the straw that broke the camel’s back here–does your mom know how you feel about the bigger things (house and wedding)? have you ever talked about it with both your parents?
honestly, i sometimes worry about this too, with my older brother (and sil). my parents have now spent way more on them for these kind of big things than on me. so, it’s super bratty because clearly he’s needed more help than i have or i will, but they just live way beyond their means which is frustrating in general because they assume my parents will just pay for it. my parents are incredibly supportive and generous, and they try to be even about it, but i sometimes worry it won’t balance out eventually…
Post # 16
@Lila – I know what EJS meant by that, it’s a terrible name for it, but I’ve been guilty of using that term too. I don’t even know why it’s called that and you’re right it’s a very offensive term. It’s one of those terms that’s been stuck in my mind since I was little and hard to shake once I get older and realize it’s inappropriate. Try not to be too offended, that’s not how it was meant.
But EJS is right, my Mom should have thought it through first. And once you promise someone something or give a gift to someone, you can’t just take it back because you think someone else should get it. And to top it off I’m already sensitive about my parents giving my older siblings so much and never making a big deal over me. There are no baby pictures of me, my birthday is never celebrated, no congratulations for getting my first job or getting into or graduating college. It was no big deal to anyone by the time I came around.