(Closed) Mom won't come to my wedding if this happens

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
1978 posts
Buzzing bee

I think your mom is, while understandable so, letting her emotions get the best of her. But as you said, your wedding is not the place for her to bring their divorce into the picture. She is getting a +1 just the same as him; she can choose to take advantage of that or not, just as he can. It’s fair, it’s mature, it’s your wedding. She needs to set her bitterness aside and look at the bigger picture that, hey, this is your one and only wedding day. She’ll be having too much fun enjoying that to worry about anything else.

If she can’t, then I would not accomodate her. It is her choice not to show, and it will be her regret to bear down the road when she realizes how juvenile she was.

Sorry she’s putting you through this, bee :\

Post # 3
Member
2170 posts
Buzzing bee

This is a tough one. While I can understand it would be difficult for her to see your dad with another person while the separation & divorce is new and emotions are raw, not to mention  it would be at a wedding. That would be very hard to handle. On the other hand, its sad she would miss out on her daughters wedding. 

It doesn’t sound like you care if she is there or not, so I wouldn’t do anything in that case. 

If you did want her there, I would ask your dad if he does plan on bringing someone, not telling him why you are asking, then let your mother know in a private conversation. 

 

Post # 4
Member
892 posts
Busy bee

Honestly, I get your perspective, BUT on the other hand, her not being there will cause way more drama than neither of your parents being allowed a +1. I don’t think it is necessary for your dad to bring a date, seeing as he is attending as a parent and not really a guest in this case, especially if he’s going to be walking you down the aisle, dancing with you, fulfilling other dad responsibilities, etc. I’m assuming most of his family will be there, so I don’t see why he needs a date, especially so soon after divorcing your mom, since he will know a bunch of people. 

Also, having been to a wedding where the bride’s parents were divorced and the father brought his relatively new GF/FI, it was really awkward. The bride’s mom was pretty uncomfortable the whole night, and so was the dad’s date, really. The bride’s siblings weren’t sure how to interact with the dad’s date for fear of upsetting their mom. The families were already split 50/50 since it was not a clean and pleasant divorce. Do you really want to deal with all that when you can just ask your parents not to bring a date and be done with it? Yes, it’s immature, but they’re going through a tough time and you can be supportive of your mom.

Post # 5
Member
1650 posts
Bumble bee

I had a friend in the same situation – she would NOT allow either parent to bring a plus one – and that solved that.

Post # 6
Member
7425 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

I think that you should just make it so neither parent gets a +1. That’s the easiest way to avoid drama here.

Post # 7
Member
263 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I think it’s almost kind of annoying and almost childish for her to be that way. They are getting a divorce and eventually will be with other people sooner or later. It’s unfortunate and uncomfortable but you are her daughter and it’s not fair for her to put you in that situation. If your dad is in a serious relationship and would like to bring a +1, then I say go for it

Post # 8
Member
462 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I am in a very similar situation. Only my dad invited his gf without asking me and i had only addressed the invite to him. Myparents have been split for 3 years or so but only now are filing for divorce. It MIGHT be completed by the wedding. I told both my parents no +1. I did not want to introduce at wedding mr and mrs vermont2015 and thier SOs. They both wanted to bring one bt i asked my mom who (i knew she has not dated yet) and she said she would just find someone. I dont want a random at my wedding just so she can show she is over my dad… 

I got thriugh to my dad by saying this: i am happy you have a girlfriend and i am happy you are happy. Butyour daughters wedding is not the time or place to introduce your new gf expecially when your current wife will still be there. You chose to wait this long to get divorced, you can wait a little longer before introducing your gf to my new family.

I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this, hopefully you can come up with something that will make everyone happy and get your mother to attend.

Post # 9
Member
7564 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Is your mom 12? Tell her she needs to grow up and act civil even if your father brings a date. It is just one day. 

Post # 11
Member
7887 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

When is the actual wedding? Hopefully, with time, your mom will realize that the wedding is not about her, and she attends happily regardless of the status of your dad. Even if your dad doesn’t bring anyone, your parents will still have to behave cordially to each other, so she just needs to get over it. 

Post # 12
Member
927 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception / Courtyard Marriott Legacy Ballroom

DH’s parents are divorced and while neither was bothered about the other bringing a +1 – DH’s Mom wanted to bring one of her girl friends, not a date – his Dad did tell him that he wouldn’t come to the reception if one of DH’s uncles was going. There’s a lot of bad blood that contributed to the divorce! Anyway, when talking with DH about, I told him that was his Dad’s decision, no matter how childish we both thought it was, and that in the end, he’s the one who would regret that he didn’t come to his oldest son’s wedding reception. He did end up coming eventhough all the uncles were coming, and he managed to talk pretty civilly with them, even the one he detests!

Personally, when it comes to +1’s, we only gave them to people who were in (what I consider) serious relationships – ie married, engaged, living together, and/or dating for over a year. If neither of your parents are in a relationship like those I listed, than I don’t see why it would be necessary to give them +1’s. The only exception would be if either of them are traveling from out of town. But it’s really up to your personal preference how you handle your +1’s

Post # 13
Member
1565 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

For years, even before I was dating anyone, my mom would comment that she wouldn’t go to my (completely hypothetical future) wedding if my dad was invited. While I understand her hurt feelings and anger towards him, I thought her attempt at emotional blackmail was pretty crappy. Fortunately by the time my first wedding rolled around, she’d had a change of heart and went with no complaint even though he and my step-mom were there. Unfortunately, you don’t have time to wait for your mom’s hurt feelings to die down. Even though it seems rude to apply a different standard to your dad and deny him a plus one, maybe sit down with him and tell him that you’re worried that your mom would be very upset if he brought a date and you’d like to avoid any potential drama on your wedding day. Perhaps he’ll willingly offer to fly solo that day. If not, I’d consider asking him to come alone. It’s not as if he won’t know anyone else at the wedding and will have difficulty socializing, after all!

Post # 14
Member
11517 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
bostonbride2016:  is your dad seeing anyone?  Was there an affair?  If she’s hurt because of an affair or his new woman I sort of maybe understand her position, but all the same she’s not being fair to you.

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