(Closed) Mom won't come to my wedding if this happens

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 16
650 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I would agree about the affair thing- if they are apart because of infidelity then it’s respectful to ask for no +1.  If they’ve just grown apart and decided to divorce now that their kids are adults… who cares?  I understand the difficulty seeing an ex with a new girlfriend, but he’s allowed to date.  Where do you cross the line?  If he was living with someone and considering marriage himself would you refuse to allow a soon to be step-parent to attend the wedding?  I do understand the embarassment, her family will be there and see her ex with a new man, but at some point you have to move on.  Everyone knows the relationship is over, they’ve been apart three years.  It’s immature to threaten to skip your big day and force others to do so as well.

Post # 17
11376 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
MsGinkgo:  yes, that was my question too. It sounds like there could be more to this. Sometimes pants shield us from b-t-s betrayals.

Why do either of them need a plus one. It’s just inviting drama. 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by  BalletParker. Reason: Ipad now doesn't register hald the letters typed on the bee
Post # 18
1603 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

View original reply
Artie52:  Artie, I agree.  If infidelity involved, any affair partner should stay home.

Post # 19
2692 posts
Sugar bee

He shouldn’t bring a date to your wedding. He is your dad and he’ll be doing official dad duties and he’s MARRIED. Neither should get a +1. The length of the separation is irrelevant.

Post # 20
425 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Private lodge


View original reply
bostonbride2016:  My dad didn’t show up to my first wedding. He didn’t give me away, he didn’t even attend.  The tux I rented for him hung unused.  Why- I’ll never really know. it hurt for about a  minute.  He has to own his choices – as does your mother or anyone else who tries to control another person and another person’s wedding.  Its not their divorce. Its your wedding.  I’d tell your mom to FOCUS.

Have your wedding.  Stand by your Fiance and do what you think is right.  Mom and siblings cant force you to waiver on what is right.   I guess I’d ask who the day is really about, what it is really about.  After 3 years you would think she could stop being so selfish for one day?

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by  Free2bme.
Post # 21
13722 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Etiquette differs with you. Unless your father is married, engaged or living with this woman, you are not obligated to invite a guest for him at all. Frankly, I dislike most destination weddings, though I do think it’s considerate to invite people to have a guest in a situation where you are asking so much. But it seems to me to be inviting unnecessary drama and hurt  to include her if they are not presently a committed social unit. 

You’ve put yourself in a difficult position IMO, though, since this is also a  DW. Personally, this is not the hill I would choose to die on and I don’t think either parent needs to be issued a +1 in any case. In your place I’d  compromise with your mother and tell her that when and if your father moves in with this person or becomes engaged, this person will be invited, but in deference to her, you will reconsider the invitation.

Post # 22
462 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Bringing a date to a wedding when you are still married (in the middle of divorce or not) i think is disrespectful of the couple getting married. To me it says that that persons view that marraige is a piece of paper and nothing more.



Post # 23
47 posts
  • Wedding: June 2015

It would be hard to miss your child’s wedding but it would be absolute hell to go on “vacation ” to a romantic destination with your husband and his girlfriend. 

Post # 24
7456 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply

I have a strict policy that I “don’t negotiage with crazy”. In fact, my friends think it’s hilarious and it’s become the favorite phrase within our group – it really applies to all sorts of situations. I expet adults to act like adults and I refuse to let anyone else dictate how my life will go. As a child of divorced parents, I expect that they act civilized and like the adults that they are or they aren’t welcome to be around.

Personally, I’d call mom’s bluff. If she’s willing to act like a child and miss her own daughter’s wedding over something so trivial….well then it’s her loss. Your parents prior marital issues are NOT your problem. For whatever reason it was that they got divorced, while I’m sure it might be painful for mom, she needs to get it together. As for them still being married and him wanting to bring a date – I don’t really understand the whole disrepectful side of it. They are clearly not together and are actively in the divorce process. Plenty of people start dating before their divorce is finalized. 

While I think it’s rude to now allow a +1 even to a local wedding, you could probably get away with it. That being said, because it’s a destination wedding I definitely think it would not be right to keep him from bringing a +1….and that applies to ANYONE attending a Destination Wedding. They are, presumably, spending a lot of money and time to attend your wedding and should be allowed a guest. 

I also firmly believe there are always two sides to every story. My parents divorce was pretty messy, and I spent many years taking my mom’s side only to find out that SHE was actually just as equally to blame as he was. That taught me that their relationship is their problem, not mine, and honestly – over time (and even after my dad remarried) they’ve gotten to the point where everyone is toatlly civil….to the point of eating meals together at holidays. Had I caved and let mom run the show all those years ago, I don’t think we’d never be at the point we are now.

Post # 25
7365 posts
Busy Beekeeper

And what will she do if you have children? She won’t allow him to come to the hospital? I don’t negotitate with emotional terrorists.

Post # 26
1754 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

1. If your dad is paying for a destination wedding (or any wedding for that matter), he deserves a +1 if he’s dating someone and everyone else is getting a +1.

2. I would flat-out lie to mom.  Sorry, but I would.  “No, dad isn’t getting a plus one.”  What is she going to do, turn around and get back on a plane after flying to the wedding?  No, she isn’t.  She’s going to watch her daughter get married.  This immature manipulative shit is to intimidate you into giving in to her.

Edit: I agree with PPs that if his now-girlfriend was previously the “other woman,” then no way, sorry, he doesn’t get to bring her.  But if it’s a legitimate “I got divorced and now I’ve moved on,” I think it’s fine.

Post # 30
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Your father is in a serious relationship PRIOR to the divorce? 

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