(Closed) Mom won't come to my wedding if this happens

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 46
Member
47430 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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misspenny2010:  Reality check people. Many of you will end up divorcing too. They have been separated for 3 years. Only the paperwork is not complete. Their marriage is over.

Nothing gives her mother the right to commit emotional blackmail and threaten to not come to her wedding if Dad brings his live-in girlfirend.

Post # 48
Member
268 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

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tyene:  Its not that uncommon most of the female members of my family and friends mothers etc. until one party feels the need to marry they haven’t bothered divorcing formally. Also not sure how it works in the US but in the UK a divorce is easier and cheaper if you are seperated for 5 years before submitting the divorce proceedings. 

Post # 49
Member
1128 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

your mom sounds toxic and crazy. she needs to grow up. this is your day.

i would give dad a plus 1  – if they have been separated for 3 years they’re as good as divorced. he’s paying for your Destination Wedding and has a serious girlfriend. let her come. if your mom doesn’t come it’s probably better!

good luck OP

Post # 50
Member
1396 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Let me just say OP that my mother told me if my BIO FATHER walked me down the aisle she wouldnt pay for my wedding, only my step father could. I caved and let him do it seeing the sad look on my daddys face.

fast forward to now 4 years later. I can not stand my “stepfather” my mom and i do not talk hardly (maybe a text message every now and then) she tried to split me and my DH up. And me and my daddys relationship is better than ever.

If you cave to your mother i have a feeling you will regret it. I sure the heck do.

Post # 51
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee

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bostonbride2016:  Your mother has no problem using emotional blackmail on you. If you appease her now, this won’t be the last time. To be honest, that she felt comfortable enough to do this makes me believe she’s done this before. Personally?  I’d let my mother/sibs make their own choices, just like I would, and continue to do what I want to do. If that means that they want to put themselves on a time out to be in their feelings on my wedding day, so be it. Then I’d live my life from then on knowing how to handle them (at arms length).

Post # 53
Member
1396 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

 

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bostonbride2016:  I see where you are coming from. Just think if she is this way NOW, what will she do if she comes to your wedding? She will probably cause a small riot and be stuck up. Since me and my DH cut off ALOT of contact with my mother and her DH our lives have been drama free and relaxed.

Post # 54
Member
1396 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

 

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bostonbride2016:  Also i can just hear her now IF she shows up “yeah she let her father bring his Girlfriend ugh ” she will have an all about me day and poor pittiful her

Post # 55
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee

I completely understand that your mom can be a bit toxic. She is completely in the wrong in this situation and I am sorry you have to go through this. Your mom has made it clear that the only choice you have is to not allow any +1 or to not have your mom and possibly siblings there. She is being very immature about the situation and should really grow up. Your dad sounds more reasonable so maybe he will be willing to go alone even though he shouldnt have to.

Post # 56
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - Pantagis Renaissance

So she doesn’t go.

I know it’s hard, but if she wants to be a brat, then she can do so, and you can enjoy your day without her. Instead of being supportive of her child, she is making it all about her, and that’s just not fair.

Post # 57
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee

People have brought up the ettiquette issues but do they still apply if the father is PAYING for the wedding?

I don’t really see how the OP can realisticly tell the guy who’s paying that he can’t bring his live in parnter.

Post # 58
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2017

My mother says if my fiance’s minor children are invited, she will not attend. Until her last hissy fit, I just said “Gee, I’m sorry. How’s the bean dip?” Last time I lost my temper and cussed her out. My father, step mom and their kids are fine. Because in Cray Cray Town, divorce is fine, being a widower with minor children is not.

 

So, I will indulge her delusions. The kids will attend, that’s not up for debate. So we won’t send her an invitation. Done.

I vote we confiscate any and all possible weapons, herd some walkers in and lock the gates to Cray Cray Town.

While book etiquette says no +1 to still married – meh. 3 years separate and the crazy is behind the delays, your father is in a serious relationship, he’s paying for the wedding and it’s Destination Wedding – plus unless the crazy keeps it up, the divorce will be finalized before your wedding – to me would need a +1.

Keep in mind, with keeping family peace. If this is a serious relationship, is giving into an emotional dictator going to be worth the hurt feelings especially if new partner eventually becomes your step mom. If the dictator can’t play nicely, someone is going to be hurt. You’ll never please a dictator enough, so it’s not worth it to me.

Post # 59
Member
507 posts
Busy bee

I think she’s being really immature.  Coming from someone who is divorced, there comes a time when you have to move on with your life, and stop being angry.  It’s her choice if she wants to be like that, and it will hurt her in the end. 

You absolutely have to offer the invitation for a +1. 

Post # 60
Member
49 posts
Newbee

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bostonbride2016:  dont you stop your happiness based on someones elses feeling and relationship. I know exactly what you are going through I would still continue to get married and be just as happy. Im having a wedding without any family attending and im fine with that its their lost not yours and like  you said you are invitiing ADULTS

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