(Closed) Mom won't come to my wedding if this happens

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 61
Member
1405 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Sounds like you have made up your mind so I am not sure why you’re asking. But I don’t think it is too much to ask to respect your mother’s feelings at this time. Divorce is excruciatingly painful for some people. Even if separated three years, the divorce proceedings will bring up a lot of anger and pain. You think that will be gone in a few months?

 Surely the woman who raised you is more important than a woman who moved in with a man who is still legally married. Whenever I dated a man who told me that he was in the process of getting a divorce, I told him to call me when he actually was divorced.

If your father is paying, that does not make him more important than your mother.

Post # 62
Member
1405 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

 

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Tinatiny1:  when you hear one side of the story,of course the other person seems like a Bitch. 

Post # 63
Member
836 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’d say “okay mom, then I don’t need you there anyway” what she is doing is not okay, regardless of the situation. She has no right to hurt you because she can’t/won’t deal like an adult. The fact that she will seemingly make sure that the rest of the family follows suit is just childish and wrong. She’s not the only person to have this happen to them and won’t be the last.
I am sorry that you’re going through this.

Post # 64
Member
770 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

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Carolsays:  I get what you’re saying but OP’s mother is using her emotions as a tool to fiercely manipulate her daughter. How is that right or okay and why should OP give her mother a free pass to be a bully and make threats? Just because she is experiencing pain from the divorce she should enforce some kind of hurt on her daughter as well? To even the playing field? Yeah, no. She can suck it up for one weekend. She should push her pettiness aside to be there for her daughter AS the woman who raised her.

Post # 65
Member
372 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Not sure if this has been covered but did your parents seperate because your father had an affair/relationship with the woman he is now intending to bring as his date? If so I can partly see this from your mums perspective. 

However if this is not the case then your mum is definitely emotionally blackmailing you and this is totally inappropriate.

However this IS a situation for your parents to figure out – it shouldn’t come down to you to choose between them, whether your father is paying for the wedding or not. 

I’d tell your mum that every adult is getting a +1 (including her and your dad) but if she has such serious issues with him bringing a date she needs to speak to him directly as you will not be talking to her or getting involved in this dispute from now onwards. 

Post # 66
Member
11381 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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Carolsays:  of course. And that doesn’t mean OP is wrong.

the OP’s other post was disturbing taken together with this one, and if there had been an affair I would totally agree with you. However, women aren’t always the victim and in this case, this mother sounds very manipulative. the way she handled this alone with threats is indicative of her character. 

I say that as someone whose mother was cheated on by a horrible woman who called herself my mom’s best friend. Never heard a bad word about my dad or her “best friend” from my mother, even when he married her. So I was inclined to agree with you, but details here tell a different story. 

Post # 67
Member
1639 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I’m sorry that this is happening!

I know some people have raised the issue of your parents not being divorced yet, but I know several couples who were separated and living totally separate lives for an extended period of time due to things like health insurance, waiting to sell their home, etc. I agree it is easiest to bring a guest for both if they are formally divorced, but since it is a destination wedding and you have offerred all adults a plus one, and you anticipated him having a plus one, to me, he gets his plus one- it is not your mom’s choice.

“Dear Mom, Dear Fiance and I would so very much like you to celebrate our special day with us. It is important to us to have the people we love by our side while we mark this milestone in our lives. If you choose not to come, we will miss you”.

 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by  robsbeach.
  • This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by  robsbeach.
  • This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by  robsbeach.
Post # 69
Member
5867 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

*I am assuming that your dad was not an abusive cheater or something like that.  I imagine you would have said so if that were the case.*

I’m sorry, but your mom is WAY out of line.  Actually, I have stronger words for how your mom is acting, but given that I’ve never been through a divorce I am going to try to hold my judgement.

I think that when parents are going through a divorce it’s all too common that they try to control their ex-partner through their kids.  My DH experienced this and I always admired how he never allowed himself to get dragged into it and how he was so clearly able to see through it and realize it had nothing to do with him.  I joke that he’s basically a robot.  Your mom is trying to control your dad and is holding you and your siblings hostage.  Don’t give in or it will set a precident for years to come.

Tell your mom that it’s not your job to get in the middle of her fight with your dad.  You can plead with her to come, sure.  But don’t give in.  Also tell her in no uncertain terms that if she decides to miss your wedding that it is HER decision, she is an adult and you are not forcing her to do anything.  She is trying to put the blame on you when the reality is that she is not strong enough to face your father’s new partner.  That’s not your fault.

If your siblings decide not to come b/c of your mom, have a heart to heart with them individually.  Tell them why you’ve decided to invite your dad’s partner and why you think they should not give into your mom’s desire to be controlling.  If they see eye-to-eye with you maybe they’ll come.  If not, it’s a shame, but at least you are in the right.

Post # 70
Member
7806 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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bostonbride2016:  Just wow. Stay strong, Bee. Your mother is putting her desires far above what is right or best for you on your wedding day–shame on her. And to drag your siblings along is horrendous. If she chooses to miss your wedding it will be her loss. Hugs.

Post # 71
Member
589 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
bostonbride2016:  If she is willing to miss her daugthers wedding over something so petty (I understand it’s emotional but she’s an adult who had a child with this man she needs to be more mature than that) then I say her loss. I would not give into that emotional manipulation. Nothing frustrates me more than parents letting their own emotions affect their children negatively. As a parent prioritizing your child and their needs over yours is the job, no matter how old they are. If she misses it I know you’ll be devestated but it’s HER loss not yours. Sorry you’re going through this. 

Post # 72
Member
1603 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

OK, so you accept your dad walking out.  Not certain if he had affair.  Shakes head,

Post # 73
Member
244 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

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bostonbride2016:  What a horrible thing for your mother to do. It’s one thing if she doesn’t come herself but to enlist your siblings to boycott your wedding too is nuts. If my mother pulled a stunt like this I would probably never forgive her or my siblings. Sorry it’s come down to this but kudos to you for doing what you feel is right. Your mom doesn’t get one ounce of sympathy from me. What is it about weddings that brings out this nasty side of people? Believe me, you aren’t alone in this type of drama. Sorry bee 🙁

Post # 74
Member
5217 posts
Bee Keeper

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bostonbride2016:  I don’t think you should cut them out of your life. That’s just feeding into the drama. Don’t give them the satisfaction! 

Every response to this nonsense should be “I’m sorry you won’t be there. You’ll be missed, but I respect your decision.” Then you need to have an amazing wedding, and enjoy being a newly wed. Let them keep the drama between them.

Post # 75
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

My ex re-married  while I was still divorced and not in a relationship. I included his new wife in family events myself (even when she was his gf & then his fiance) because what matters most is my kids. Nothing would keep me away from my own child’s wedding, even if I was going solo & an ex showed up with a Victoria’s Secret model on each arm. And I would want my kids to be happy, not add to their stress by trying to emotionally blackmail them into letting me call the shots. OP your mom sounds selfish and manipulative and far too used to having things her way, even when they’re unreasonable. If you cater to her she’ll just keep making unreasonable demands your entire life- I say you call her bluff & stick to your principles.

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