(Closed) Mom won't come to my wedding if this happens

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 76
416 posts
Helper bee

I was in a wedding with a similar situation. The father of the bride threatened not to go if the mom brought a date. She brought a male friend from work but the father never bothered to ask. There was a scene at the ceremony and he immediately left, leaving the bride with no father for her father/daughter dance.

I’d love to think that this is all hot air but you know your family. If you think it’s going to cause you stress on your day, it may be better not having them there. They have made clear what their priorities are. I’m sorry this is the situation but kudos to you for not giving in to childish, negative and manipulative behavior!

I am having my mom and her family, dad and his family family (they are divorced), step mom and her new husband (she and my dad recently separated after 20 years) ALL at the same table. They get along really well and call each other all the time to check in or get together. That may not be fair to expect, but it should be no big deal to be in the same room. This isn’t high school. 



Post # 77
11 posts
  • Wedding: February 2016

I wanted to throw in my two cents as an adult survivor of childhood abuse at the hands of my mom, who did a very similar thing. Didn’t want to deal with my stepmom attending, demanded I uninvite her, threatened to turned family members against me. These are toxic behaviors and abuse tactics. Preventing you from seeing your family, interfering with your family relationships, threatening to take those relationships away from you, emotional blackmail, are all abuse tactics. Obviously I’m not saying that your mother is clearly, automatically abusive or that I, a stranger on the internet with the most minimal of information about you, can make that call. But this is a pretty big red flag. She didn’t discuss with you her concerns, or try to find any sort of compromise, she just made a demand of you in a super gross way. You don’t deserve to be caught in the middle like this, and it’s unfair that that’s what’s being asked of you.

I know someone has already mentioned Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, and I really do encourage you to give it a try. I actually have a link to a pdf copy, feel free to pm me for it if you’d like. It also might be worth checking out this reddit community for adult children of abusive or toxic parents (there is an emphasis on parents with personality disorders, but it’s not required) https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/

As far as your decision to possibly cut them out of your life, it’s what I did and it’s been one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. Obviously my depression and anxiety are down, but also I’ve seen an improvement in my physical health. I never knew how much psychological stress could make you LITERALLY sick. Again, you are the only person who knows what’s best for you, but I wanted to say that it’s a totally valid option. If it’s what you feel you need to do, go for it!

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