Post # 1
My mother is a very manipulative person. Over the years, I’ve noticed that events that are supposed to be about me always go wrong. College graduation – she didn’t come to lunch with me because I didn’t go to the restaurant she wanted to go to. My first wedding – my sister (MOH) pulls me aside to tell me I need to go spend time with mom because she’s getting upset (that I’m enjoying my wedding and mingling with guests – btw, that was a small 30 person reception).
Now my second wedding is coming up in less than 2 months and she has said she’s not coming to my wedding. Why? I became pregnant last October but sadly miscarried on New Years Eve. Out of grief (I’m assuming), she said some hurtful things to me about my body, like that my uterus was weak and that I didn’t take care of myself, and so I hadn’t gone back to visit her (she lives a 5 hour drive away) since then. It’s almost been 7 months since I last saw her. I also stopped financially helping as much as I used to (I’d buy groceries, other misc), but still pay her cell phone bill for which she’s never thanked me for. In any case, since this is all the leverage she has to use, she’s proclaimed she’s not coming to the wedding. My Fiance tells me she’ll change her mind and come, just wait and see, but while that is a possibility, it’s not a likely one. I know this because this is what she does. Hopefully, it won’t be the case.
My question is, how would you handle guests asking where my Mom is on the day of? Or my shower, for example, to which she’s also not coming to?
Post # 2
Honestly, unless the guests in question were close friends you’d feel comfortable confiding the whole story to, I’d just say she was unfortunately unable to make it. Then change the subject.
Post # 3
I don’t think many guest will be insenstive as to ask you WHY she is not around. Some may ask innocently ‘where’ she is, to which I’d just respond ‘she couldn’t be here today’ and leave it at that. And if family and friends know you are not on the best of terms, they will likely come to their own conclusion and hopefully not pry and ask on your wedding day.
Post # 4
- Wedding: February 2015 - Mount Hermon
What PP said. Most of the guests, it is none of their business, and I doubt many people will ask.
Your mom sounds like a peach. I’m really sorry you have to go through this.
Post # 5
Agreed. Chances are no one will ask. But if they do, just say she was not able to attend then immediately change the subject to let them know it’s not up for further discussion. If they insist, polietly excuse yourself and go talk to someone else/do something else.
Post # 6
I wouldn’t get into details with people. Just tell them she couldn’t make it. Hopefully no one asks why.
Post # 7
- Wedding: August 2015 - Tuscany Falls Banquet Hall
You can simply say “She’s not coming”. You don’t owe anyone an explanation and if they start to pry then you can tell them, “this is something that you did not want to talk about and that you are trying to enjoy your shower/wedding etc”.
Post # 8
If most of your guests are your nearest and dearest, don’t they already know your backstory?
You never have to apologize for or explain, the behavior of others. Just your own.
Post # 9
Anything from ‘she couldn’t make it’ to ‘she chose not to attend’ to ‘Bingo?’ (we laugh so we don’t cry) depending on who is asking–courteous or sensitive guests won’t ask. It’s her loss. Wishing you and your Fiance a glorious day.
Post # 10
I can’t imagine anyone would ask you. I didn’t invite my birth father to our wedding, I was nervous that someone may ask about it but, no one did…. At least not to my face.
If anyone asks, I would keep it short and say she chose not to come. Don’t let it get you down and enjoy your day.
Post # 11
Thank you. This is all very helpful. 🙂
Post # 12
I would tell them because she is a b*tch. Honestyly. We are not having Future Mother-In-Law at the wedding as she is a nasty peice of work who physically abused my FH and his siblings (although in person she is one of those butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth people) so if anyone is silly enough to ask (they should already know by now) we will say because she is not worth having in our lives and leave it at that. You do not owe an explanation to anyone so say what you feel is right.
Post # 13
I was literally about to post the exact same thing, but about my dad instead of my mom. Glad to know someone else has a complete asshole for a parent. I’m a big ol’ believer in “love makes a family, not blood.”
Post # 14
“Unfortunately, my mother was not not able to attend. Have you tried the cake/punch/lemonade?”
Is the script I’m planning to use if anyone askes. If people push I’m following with “I’d prefer not to talk about this right now. If you’ll excuse me I have to say hi to Aunt Trudy/Cousin Dave/whoever.”
Post # 15
I wouldn’t. That’s a rude question to ask.
However! Sometimes people don’t think so I said “we’re very grateful and honored to have you here.”
so avoidance and redirection. My dad was abusive and I cut the cord at 18. He wasn’t there and there were a few questions. Not too many because my dh’s mom is even worse than my dad and unfortunately made it to the wedding, so she was really the focus of questions.
Whatever works! Everyone who is there should be there to support you and your fi in your Union!