Post # 46
I read UR OP and UR update, I’m glad you’re choosing to let this go. You both need to apologize to each other, you for neglecting your mom, even if unintentional, and UR mom for writing a very impersonal, ridiculous email. I think it will blow over. Not worth fighting over….
AND UR Fiance NEEDS TO APOLOGIZE FOR MANHANDLING YOUR MOTHER. that sounds out of line, I dont care if it was meant to be “casual” or whatever he meant, it’s not cool and i understand why UR mom is upset. that action in and of itself manifested and made everything that happened for her more magnified, which is probably why she wrote that insane email. Sometimes one event can change someone’s entire perspective of how that day went….. I would not appreciate my mother in law dlong that to me, put urself in her shoes please!
Post # 47
annonymous243: good for you bee. You’re being mature and I glad to see you willing to put aside your legit complaints. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t set boundaries with her re her diagnosing you. I would do that ASAP.
i also agree that your Fiance was out of line. He had every right to speak his mind to her, but never touch someone in anger, upset, etc. it’s controlling and degrading and to do to an elder, totally disrespectful. I would ask him to apologize for that and after he does, tell your mom you love her and want to put this behind you because as I said in my first comment, you did manage to throw a successful party together and that is a great moment for future memories.
but I would also tell her that her diagnosing you is inappropriate and hurtful and she needs to learn to speak her feelings without trying to justify them with attacks on your character. It’s ok if she was hurt, it’s not okay if she was hurt and instead of or in addition to saying that, attacks your character.
Post # 48
If my SO spoke to my mother the way your Fiance spoke to your mom, she would tell him where to go, and then give him a swift kick in the nuts.
Post # 49
Lots of other people have given you sound advice and there’s definitely a lot going on with all your interactions with her, but I thought I’d just add my sympathies. Although the issues were different, my mother’s behavior over Thanksgiving also made me want to skip Christmas. It really sucks to feel back stabbed around the holiday season when you are supposed to be feeling close to your family. I’ll just suggest what I’m doing – I’m keeping my plans the same for Christmas with a “I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt that you’ll be civil” attitude. But I’m also giving myself a couple of weeks to cool off before I talk to her again – not necessarily about what happened but about what it means going forward. The equivalent in your situation would be to ask how she imagines Thanksgiving should go, how it should go at her house, how it should go at your house, and if there’s anything she wants to bring up. I think the Thanksgiving horse is dead and beaten and you’ve got to find another way to unwrap the conflict. Your fiance should probably also apologize, but probably after you’ve tried some one-on-one repairs with your mom. Good luck and hope the holidays are better than you expect!