Post # 17
- Wedding: August 2012 - W Hotel Silicon Valley
@MrsTVLover: I know this, however, I don’t think that it would necessarily be the most comfortable situation for Darling Husband to be at a party of ALL females.
Maybe I can negotiate with her to have Darling Husband be there and he can invite a select group of his guy friends. Most or all of our guy friends who we’d want there are husbands to ladies who would be attending, so I don’t see it being that big of an issue but we’ll see how she feels about it.
@saraja87: You need to make sure you put a stop to this now, your loyalties are to your husband and his to you, and she needs that spelled out for her.
This really spoke to me, thank you! I am overwhelmed with the amount of support from you ladies! She started to make me feel selfish for requesting a co-ed shower, but now I know that I need to speak up and create some clear boundaries with her now, for all of our sanity. It is not fair for her to cause friction in our marriage, whether or not she is doing it on purpose.
Post # 18
eeek, coed baby shower, men will be bored! Not their thing. Let your mom do your shower, but you have to include husband.
Post # 19
I personally would rather cancel than exclude my husband from any shower related to a life event we are undertaking TOGETHER. It’s not the fucking 1950s anymore. I’m deeply uncomfortable with single-sex showers for myself, because I have both many female and male friends (and friends who don’t feel they fit in either category) and I really dislike the idea of excluding half of them from an important part of my life on the basis of their gender. I’m just not okay with that. It’s very sexist. I canceled my original bachelorette party because my friend who was throwing it didn’t want to invite any guys. Yeah, at the time it caused a huge fight, but she got over it and realized how important the issue was to me and did still help the other girls who ended up throwing the bach party.
Almost all the showers in my family are co-ed. They’re perfectly fine and fun parties. I have never understood this “men will be bored by a shower!” thing. Are you kidding? All the men I’ve ever seen have been just as into them as the women.
Post # 20
I think your husband is a bit overreacting on the part where he feels your mom will try to coparent. BUT I disagree with your mom not letting your husband be there. He has to. Thats that!
This entire year I’ve been throwing showers, one bridal and one baby shower. I hated the fact the the bride to be wanted coed on her bridal shower, which means, more money out of my pocket, because it’s more people and was not interested in entertaining the men. It’s all about the bride, groom and ladies that attend. Same with baby shower, ugh, how exhausting that was, had a ton of kids go and I had no problem with the husband or daddy being there, if anything I encouraged it. But no coed, please, toooo much work! It’s stress just organizing a shower.
Post # 21
Sorry but I think it’s the hosts choice.
Post # 22
@MrsWBS: I agree!…but daddy should still be there.
Post # 23
I think you need to explain to your mom that you would like for your husband to be included somehow and leave it at that. If she still refuses, then I think you need to decline her offer to throw you a shower. I sort of agree with SamanthaLovesJames that men would most likely be pretty bored at a baby shower. Maybe your mom can plan whatever activities she wants for the shower, and then at the end you can open gifts and your husband can come and graciously thank the guests for bringing gifts for your baby. I think you should bring that suggestion up to her. If your mom doesn’t want to plan a co-ed shower the way you envision it then I think you’re just going to have to accept that you won’t be getting that type of shower from her, or a shower at all.
Post # 24
@SamanthaLovesJames: I suppose if he wants to be I guess I just can’t see my Darling Husband or any men in my family wanting to be at a shower full of women. Usually all the men in the fam go golf or grab beers while the ladies do the shower thing then join up at the end. I just don’t think it’s the end of the world personally.
Post # 25
This is your baby not your moms. i would tell her he is coming and if she did not like it she does not need to be a part of the baby shower, and I would just throw it myself. She is rude for making this about her, shame on your mom!
Post # 26
I agree with the PPs that the host determines the guest list…..so if you want a co-ed shower, have someone else throw it (perhaps very hurtful to your mom) or have 2 showers. I don’t think this is an issue of boundaries, I think it’s an issue of your mom’s vision of a baby shower as a traditionally all-female gathering (which it true, traditionally).
The boundaries with your mom are a whole different issue.
As for it being a life event the 2 of you share, of course it is….but so is the wedding and grooms aren’t traditionally invited to the bridal shower either.
Post # 27
I just had my shower thrown this past weekend by my sisters at a restaurant, their way, their choice. I didn’t have my hubby the entire time, which is traditional. He showed up in the end to thank everyone and ofcourse to help carry gifts to truck LOL. Was no big deal him not being there. My husband and I are grateful that my sisters went out of their way and payed out of their pocket to throw a beautiful shower. We received tons of gifts!!! 🙂 In the end, our baby gets the rewards!
Post # 28
Well, she is throwing it for you…don’t you think your husband will understand? I know it’s a bit old fashioned but I sitll see it pretty much stuck to these days. I have actually only seen co-ed showers among non-white ethnic groups (hispanics, asians, polynesians), but most of the white people I know have female only showers. I know my husband would be over the moon about my pregnancy (If I were pregnant) and would be very happy for me to get a shower….but I just can’t see him all that dissapointed about not being able to come, generally they are silly games and alot of baby talk….some cultures have turned it into a chance to eat alot of food, drink beers and watch the game in mixed company but you have to assess what kind of shower this is.
Post # 29
@julies1949: “Your Mom is the hostess. She decides the guest list. The hostess does ask for input from you, but the final call is hers.
You may very well have valid concerns about your Mom vis a vis her role in parenting, but that has little or nothing to do with this shower. If she wants to host a traditional shower for women only, it is her perogative.”
Agreed 100%. I’m surprised so many people are saying the the mom-to-be can dictate her shower. She isn’t the host and doesn’t get to make the final decisions.
Post # 30
The way I see it your mom offered to host the party for YOU. I do believe she should cater to how you want YOUR shower or step down and allow someone else to host it for you. Someone shouldn’t offer to do something and then put rules to it. Talk to her, tell her what you want, set your boundaries and if she decides not too maybe some friends can host a co-ed shower for you. Don’t give in to her pissy party because she’ll feel like she can do the same once your baby is here.
Post # 31
An idea….my BFF had a similar situation. So, her mom threw a traditional shower with mostly family and I threw them a nighttime co-ed party with cocktails (and mocktails), for friends. Everybody was happy!