(Closed) My mom ruined my last dress shopping experience

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
3756 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom

I tried including my Mom in the wedding planning process, and it only drove us further apart. Now instead of being strangers, we are fully estranged. Your Mom sounds a lot like my Mom. I feel for you 🙁

Post # 3
Member
10286 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Divorce is a tough recovery, esp if it was a long marriage that resulted in children. Two wo years is t alarming, actually. 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemplating-divorce/201004/how-long-does-typical-divorce-recovery-take

Try to get your mom to a recovery group for some support. It sounds like she has a lot of loss in her life, and impending loss. That can be devastating.

I’m sorry she wasnt able to appreciate the efforts you made. As unfair as it is, weddings are probably not high on her list of feel good things right now. But you want your mom to be there with you, so you might tell her that you’re missing this bonding time between a mother and daughter and ask her what she would like to do with you. 

Post # 4
Member
1443 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

“But my mom is not mentally stable” – this is pretty much the issue.

My mom is bipolar, so bad that I cannot have any relationship with her (she likes to steal my identity, is mad I did not give up my life to move in with her and take care of her as I did as a child starting from the age of about 5).  So I ahve been kinda sad that now that I am finally getting married, after a looong time on the waiting boards, I ahve no mom to share it with.  FI’s mom wanted to go dress shopping, and I’d have liked to include her, but her health is not good, and for her to get to my appointment she’d have had to travel 2.5 hours to just get there.  And she can’t really stand, is badly diabetic and needs to eat very regulalary, and so I compromised and invited her to the alterations fitting once the dress comes in – I had friends come with me even though I am not ahving bridesmaids, who gladly sent her photos throughout the process.  

I am sorry your mom isn’t able to be what we all hope a mom can be at this time, and really, really DO understand the way you feel.  Irrational behavoir is hard even on a normal day, and when you have something big you want to share, it tends to get worse.  I think being frank with your Fiance about the possibilities of your mom making things rough is a good idea, but I’d hate for you to double up on your weddings just to make sure your mom can’t behave.  I think it’d be best on your day, or days leading up to include as much of the party as you feel comforatble in acting as a buffer between you and her – people who you trust to run interference.  That might take some stress off you from feeling you need to manage her and still let you enjoy your day.  Maybe they could even phrase it to her as a special treatment for the Mom of the Bride, since she should understand how busy things are for you and that you want her to be taken care of ….?  

Good luck, I hope things turn out well.  

Post # 5
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2016 - 1950s themed bar

I don’t know what advice to give but to say that perhaps you could talk to her about the wedding and ask how much she would like to be involved, and give the examples listed above as reasons why you feel she isn’t interested. Perhaps explain to her that sometimes there are deadlines for things so it needs to get done quickly and when she’s with you at an appointment like this, you need her to be punctual. 

On the other hand I agree with PP about her experiencing a lot of loss. She must be having a hard time of it. Good on you for trying to make an effort with her and including her in wedding stuff, that’s really thoughtful and kind. Keep it up! Your idea of a courthouse wedding first sounds great if you’re really concerned that something will snap on the day

Post # 7
Member
10286 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
amdsmrnitesdrm:  I hear you. It sounds like she isn’t in a good place and thus not able to be direct and honest about her needs. this must be stressful for you to think about, esp being out of state. 🙁 I hope you and your brother can edge her closer to a support group. 

I hope you have fully recovered from your cancer treatments and I hope you find a way to connect with your mom, it seems like you both would benefit from that right now. Maybe you can do something not directly wedding related, take her for a girls day at the spa together or whatever you do together. 

Reference FWIW: My mom was so sad and depressed when she lost her mom and dad. I finally got through to her by doing one of her favorite things that she had stopped doing. Eventually when I visited her (different states), I suggested we do it together and ever since then she’s been doing her favorite art activity again.  Sometimes we need someone who knows us best to lift us up and carry us for a while.  Oh, you can google supporting someone through loss, that’s where I got that idea re the artwork.

Best of luck,,bee, you’ve been through a lot. 

Post # 9
Member
952 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

my mother is also not stable so i didn’t include her in the wedding planning process at all. i only brought 2 friends to choose my dress and settled all the wedding prep alone with DH. it would have been nice to have them be more included, but for the sake of my nerves and sanity, i couldn’t take the risk of her going nuts on random things. esp when the weirdest little things set her off. given that you already know she is inclined to be like this, i suggest you consider reducing her involvement. 

Post # 10
Member
3102 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I hear you. My parents are divorced and my mother definitely has times when I suspect there’s some chemical imbalance going on. She had zero interest in anything to do with my wedding probably for fear she might have to pay for something. As if I’d even ask. My sister and i laugh that she’s so tight with a buck that moths fly out when she opens her wallet. 

She wound up storming out of the reception because she wasn’t an integral part of the ceremony, my father and stepmother, who helped plan the wedding (and paid for it) walked me down.the aisle. It didn’t diminish the occasion or my happiness at all. Don’t let your mother’s issues ruin your good time.

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